This is my first time to enter a forum of any kind, so forgive me if I do something wrong.

I too have been hurt by my H A.
I found out in January 2002, and have been trying to deal with it ever since.
I have bought, and read Dr. Harley's book. It is helpful, but I still hurt.
When my H told me about the A, I suspected something was wrong, but had NO idea it was an A.
When he admitted it to me, he not only admitted one A, but another 6 years earlier.
They are both co-workers of his, and he still ocasionally sees the last one, but says he has not spoken to her since he has told me.

We have two beautiful daughters, 11 and 8.

I was from a divorced home, and I want to do everything I possibly can for my children not to be from a broken home.

I know that I was partly to blame for his needs, as I was not fulfilling him all the time. I would be tired, or feel that my needs were not being met, so why fill his. I know now that this is not the way I should have handled it.

I have never considered an affair. We have been M for 17 years.
He grew up in a church, and I would have never imagined him to be unfaithful.

If anyone has any words of wisdom please share them with me.

Thanks,
K.

It hurts but its gets better. I lived in a fog for years. My signature probably sounds bad, and it was bad but it is only part of the story. I guess my point is there is so much in a marriage. So much to make it work and so much to kill it. Nothing is simple but for your kids sake and for your own push on. I had a moment in my life where I said enough. This is the type of wife I want to be and this is the only type of husband I will accept. When I woke up and changed it changed him. Not because I gave him an ultimatum but because I laid out the facts. My life would be a certain way with him or without him. I also changed myself. The things that I knew stressed me and in turn stressed him, I eliminated. It still is a struggle everyday. He is wonderful to me my main problem now is that I feel like a wasted so much time accepting the bad treatment. If only I would have woke up earlier...so many things might have been different. This may or may not help . I hope it does. This board is a Godsend though. You can vent here and laugh and cry and anything and people understand. Your marriage can work and you can be happy. If nothing else you know you have a place to turn whatever you decide to do. Although I wouldnt wish this pain on my worst enemy I am thankful that there are kindred spirits who know of what I speak.

I know of what you speak.

ayslyne ayslyne@yahoo.com

I will look forward to it getting better.
I think about it every day. My H says he does not, and that is hard for me to comprehend.
I now have to pass this woman daily on the road. We both drive our kids to school. Different schools, but our paths pass. It is so hard to see her face.
What makes someone who grew up in a church, know the right and wrong, disobey a commandment?
I want to believe him, but part of me gets scared that he is lying again.
I'm trying to put trust back in him, but there is a lot of doubt.

How do you not ask questions?
Everyday, I want to know if he has seen her.

I'm sorry that you have the same pain. I hope for you and your family it gets better.

As you said, you got very sick.
One month to the day after he told me, our oldest daughter got very sick and could have died.
This marriage has to work for our children. They are so special, and with our daughter being sick it even makes it more important for it to work.
He is a good person, with the exception of his lying/cheating. He loves these girls as much as I do, although it doesn't explain his actions.
Our lives are not misirable together, we have many happy times. This is just a huge hurdle in our path.
I thank you for your response. It is nice to have somewhere to go, where people understand where you are coming from.

Thanks,
K.

I dont know how to explain why I dont want to know anymore. I dont wonder where he is. I dont check his wallet or the computer. I guess I finally got to the point where I could see myself not married to him. In the beginning I couldnt see life without him. I couldnt fathom explaining how I failed-because that is how I felt about it. Then I hit a point where I realized there was a way to live, a way where I knew was acceptable for me. And I just began to live that way. I think when he saw that I realized it would be hard without him, emotionally, I could survive. Things just changed. It was like you know that if you want another woman you can have one. You just will never have me again. No animosity no hatred no ranting no raving. Just a fact. (Not that I didnt rant and rave and have my moments. I did that plenty to but to no avail) What you are going through is perfectly natural. It will take time to heal. You will have to work on dealing with the rage but your spouse will have to put forth even more of an effort to be worthy of you.

I know what you mean about seeing the OW. My husband has a daughter with a one night stand...a child he would have no contact with if I had not said you must be a father to her. I see this creature(the other woman...yet I cannot dignify her with even that term) weekly. But I take pride in the fact that I will not let an innocent child suffer because the adults around her acted like idiots. I am cordial to the creature and the child has no idea the true feelings in my heart. She is too young to realize the circumstance of her birth. She just thinks her dad and mom were boyfriend and girlfriend before we were married. I for one am not going to make a point of it. When the time comes I will be as gracious as possible about it and never put her or her mother down for it because it will serve no purpose. It isnt her fault and a child doesnt need the baggage. Thank goodness for this board. I can come here and call her all the names in the book. Truly she is a wretched person who works the system and lives off the support her kids get...hasnt worked in 10 years, and she has another child with yet another man and working on paycheck number three. (Once again only venting here, never to the kid)

Anyway it takes time, it is a wound, it will leave a scar, but it will fade. I will be praying for you and yours.

ayslyne

Wow, your a big person.
You are so right that it is not the child's fault, but to have to deal with this other person would be so hard.
I can't imagine face to face interaction. On the road is too close for me.
I told my H I hate her. I have never hated anyone. He said he does not, but understands my feelings toward her. They are both guilty, I do know that, but I have worse feelings for her.

I sometimes wonder how much of an affair it is considered.
It was pure sexual, if he is telling the truth, they never kissed.
In a way, that gives me strange comfort.
Like, it was not intimate, just sleezy sex.
Does that make any sense?

I appreciate your talking to me.

I would say the past month, it has not hurt as bad, but still does.
I hope I get to the point you have gotten to. we are not going to stop them from what they chose to do. I guess it is up to us if we choose to keep forgiving them.
For me, I don't think I can go through this one more time.
It has killed me finding out about his A's.

Talk about feeling totally inadequate, ashamed, humiliated, I feel it all. I feel like when I walk in our town, everyone knows and thinks what a fool I am.
I don't think that is the case, but it's just the feeling that I have.

There is comfort in this board. It helps to read other peoples heart aches, and know you have company.

K.