I have been trying for two days to put my thoughts into words. I am still not sure what even happened let alone how to put it into words. My WH (notice I took the F off) is still in contact with the OW. Our first D day was September 9, 2001. I had “that gut feeling” and put a tape recorder in his car and I heard the beginning of a conversation with her. For those of you who have your doubts in God, believe me there is one. The tape was at the very end (30 seconds left) and I heard him say hello….and some other things that told me it was her. It didn’t tape the entire conversation and I am so thankful it didn’t. I just know I couldn’t handle that. But the sound of his voice was so different…like he was talking to a child. I never heard him sound like that. Like it was another personality that he has been hiding. Any comments on that are encouraged.

Anyway, I confronted him, he got angry. Very ugly LB..(sorry, but I couldn’t stop myself). I do give myself credit for not walking out that night. I kept saying, don’t give up…unless your heart tells you to. My heart tells me to hang in there. He has no clue what he is doing to himself. He has hurt me beyond belief, but he is still hurting himself. He is so depressed by this latest discovery that he says the only way everyone will be happy is if he kills himself. He said his life is out of his control. We talked all night long…held each other…cried….promised things….until the next time.

I talked to him about SAA…he said he would read it. I told him about this site..I have kept it from him because I thought he would laugh. I told him how great and understanding everyone is and how through your encouragement and example affairs do not have to destroy a marriage.

So the next day, he asked me to lunch. He held my hand, tried to explain what is going on in his head. Very confused. Wanted me to just listen. Hoped I would be there always for him. Who is this man?
Had a lot of thinking to do…looked at the Marriage Builders web site a little.

Fast forward to after work…he comes home and says “mark this day on the calendar, I am a new man.” He is getting control of his life. Gonna quit smoking…eat better…take care of some nagging health problems…and be the best husband he can be. I was elated, but I had to ask with the new him if the OW was included or not. Was I wrong? He got angry. Then he said he was going to take care of that. I wanted to ask how but he got so angry I didn’t until later that night.

I want to start reading SAA…do we do it together…all at one time say this weekend or separately. I really think this is what we need, but it has to be on his part too….I asked him to read it and he said he can’t fix the marriage until he fixes himself. I am afraid if he waits too long to fix US, I won’t want to and I told him that. No response.

I think there are also signs of a MLC. Talking about the past…not being who he wants to be…hopes I still love the new him….I am petrified as to who I will end up with.

Sorry to ramble in so many directions…hope some of this makes sense.

Dear MAH,

I am so sorry to hear about your story and your pain. Sometimes it must be very confusing when there are these mixed signals. Probably your H is so unsure himself how he feels and what to do. What hit me was that he has suicidal thoughts now. Has he been in IC or you two in MC?

When you read SAA there is this part about Sue and how it was so difficult for her to give up her A. Do you think that applies to your H?
That he is in withdrawal? One moment he says he is a changed man and then he meets her again. Is that why you want him to read in that book?

You have been through so much with him. Four As. My heart goes out to you. I'm a rookie here, only two months after d-day and my H's first A (that I know about...one gets cautious in one's choice of words). I admire you for your strength and your patience that you have had with your H.

Now let me ask you this: do you think it could be part of your H's personality to have these As? You forgave him the other times...does that contribute to his choice to do it again? This is the big question I have.

I wish you all the strength in this world to handle this crisis now. You sound like you have gained wisdom through all of this and that you are a strong woman.

All the best to you and may God bless you.

Dear Ice,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, we both have been to counseling. He got very depressed as did I. It was tramatic. I think it is his nature to be deceitful. I told him he has to start being honest with himself then the rest will come. It is also his nature to hurt the ones he loves (me) then remorse and be better than before. This is how I deal with it. I know him. He says he doesn't want her...no thrill is involved...can't explain it...I think he just enjoys lying to me. I pray for both of us.

The suicide thought scares me too. He says he doesn't need meds...I am trying to convince him he does.

I also told him if she was his friend like he says, she would put a stop to this too. It is tearing him apart physically (ulcers) and mentally (depression). I couldn't do that to a "friend". Maybe I said something that will sink in.

Thanks for the compliment..even though I don't feel the wisdom I am gaining...maybe I can help someone else.

I asked WH to tell me when he gave OW the NC phone call. He said he would. It has been two days and he hasn't done it yet. I am afraid this was the problem so many other times. He says he can quit calling her anytime..he isn't addicted. He says it isn't a relationship..just friends. So why does he use a payphone to call her. He has a cell phone and a private office. He feels the need to hide it.

I also asked him to read SAA with me. He joked and said "like story hour in school". But he agreed. He didn't get angry like he usual does when he "thinks" I am controlling him.

He is also saying things like he doesn't know if we can repair the damage he has caused again. He says he doesn't know how to act. Same here. I tried to please him (great Plan A) for a whole year since our 1st d day. That didn't work or he wouldn't need to call her. He obviously wasn't happy with me pre A so I try not to act the way I did then. It seems we are both lost souls.....I suggested counseling and he said no...we can do this on our own.

My last hope is if we read SAA, we can make it. I want to read it out loud together because I don't trust him enough to read it himself. Isn't that terrible? I am controlling him now. I won't leave it up to him to control himself in this situation. This is my last attempt. My love banks are close to empty. I told him that last night. I told him to quit being so selfish (I know LB) and start to worry about me and his kids feelings. I didn't get anywhere trying to be nice and bite my tongue so I am going to say what I need to say and if he leaves, he will save me the trouble.

I am having a terrible day already.

Dear MAH,

just a few words from me to show you that you are not alone. I feel I can't do much or offer phantastic advice to you since I am so new here.

I hope that the other MB specialists here come to your help, too.

^ ^ ^ BUMP UP TO TOP OF LIST ^^^

I just wanted to tell you that I care a lot about how you feel. I think you are making the best of this situation and you and your H have been through so much already. Have you done the EN questionnaire and read the EN book? Probably you have...

SAA is a great book, too. But one grain of caution: even if your H reads it loud with you, only if he is ready to change or discover insights will it help. I think you can't make someone in fog see the light. They have to WANT to see it.

All the best to you and -yes- you are helping others already. By posting and talking about our stories we give examples and show ways how to handle crises like this. Combined experiences are very powerful help for many others.

<<<Hugs>>>

Liza,
I know I can't make it sink in...(SAA) I am afraid I will give up on us if I don't see him make some kind of an effort but if he does make somewhat of an effort and he doesn't succeed, will I only be hurt all over again. Am I making sense. I think all my disappointments have been some of my own doing. I have expected too much because I can't understand why he is doing this to us. I am so confused about what to do. I am going to go to church at lunch and light a candle for us. I need to talk to my friend.

Thanks for caring.