Out of the blue I was served with divorce papers from my wife. I have spent the past year working on a project which demanded me working an average of 18-20 hrs per day / 6 day's per week. The reward was huge, the pain was that my wife had to do a lot of the house stuff and the kids stuff, but she would be the receipent of the rewards.

During arguments she would say pick one: 1. divorce or 2. Therapy. At first I said she was overacting to an argument. Then one day she said that she was getting a MC and that we were going. My response was that I go first. Well, she never did it, so I didn't take her serious. We had an active sex life, did things, dinner, kid stuff, family functions.... when I was around.

She told me on June 14, that I didn't give her enough attention, didn't respect her, thought she was stupid, and we weren't compatible. She said she wanted to find out who she was. She has been taking anti-depressants for the past year and in April they bumped her dossage. She seemed happier, more willing to get out and do things, but just not with me.

I was devastated. Besides over tired, stressed..etc. I immediately moved out of our house as I thought if I gave her space she would be happy, and we could get it fixed.

I immediately went into counceling, anti-depressants, and sleeping pills. After 8-weeks I had gone from 191 pound to 155. I am still devastated.

She has told me that there is now someone in her life, just a friend, but has great potential. In July, after asking her to give me the house, I stayed at the house for the first time. Upon her return, I discovered she took some teddy's that I had purchased for her, and she spend about $600 at Victoria Secret. She of course said she was doing this to feel more like a woman. Granted, she really never did this before, so I believed her.

Upon her return, she reported that she had a urinary infection.

Well, just last weekend, she again went away for the weekend. She returned with a gift box from Victoria Secret unworn black lacey night gown. And again, another urinary infection.

Is this enough evidence that she has taken the EA to a PA?

Should I believe her when she screams at me that she has never cheated on me, and the reason she is leaving me is because we are incompatible, or is she having an Affair, induced emotional state on this medicine.

To compound things, she was sexually abused as a child by her brother. I have read a book and she has 28 of 34 symptoms.

I feel like if I leave her, and let her rip my and my childrens life apart, then I am leaving a person with an illness, such as brain cancer.

Or am I just too weak to cut the cord. I still love her, and feel guilty that I wasn't around. I am a work-a-holic, and sometimes bring the job home.

I am a fantastic father, even my neighbors hope I get the kids instead of her, because she ignors them and doesn't even play with them.

some say she has an issue with Bonding. Because of her abuse, she doesn't understand what love really is, only in her warped damaged mind. She has never gone to a therapist for her Sex abuse nor her marrital problems.

What should I do? Bail, or Keep fighting. I have read several books, His Needs Her Needs, and Divorce Remedy. Both have changed my life. and they have convinced me to never quit, but how much should I take?

Please advise

My advice is that you get professional counseling with the Harleys.

The rest of us can give you ideas but if you want the best, you should get it.

If you have all the books, you have a good start and you probably know the basic concepts so I won't lecture you about that.

What exactly is your question for us? Is there more you want to know?

My take is this, if she wanted counseling before and you didn't go, she may accept it now but she may see it as to little, to late. You should also start plan A if you have not started it yet. Don't fight or LB. Try the counseling and see where that gets you.

You are in for some hard times, and we can't make those go away but we will help and give support where we can.

As far as how much should you take, and has she taken it to PA? We don't know the answer to that. If you are partly responseible for what has happened ( and sounds like you are taking some blame or credit) then perhaps you should give it a while and see if you can save it. You may regret it later if you don't do all in your power to make it right. But only you can answer the stay or bail question. How do you feel about it?

If you really want to know about the EA/ PA then hire a PI. But I don't think you need to know that to start a plan.

Let us know what you want to do, and we will try and help. Sorry you have to cope with this. Hoping things work for you long term.

SS

Driven,

I saw your post under my thread, and I thought I might be able to shed some light on your situation.

When I first posted on this board (I believe in March) because my W told me she didn't love me anymore, she basically considered the marriage over. I found a lot of "signs" of the PA, and confronted her repeatedly. She looked me in the eyes and lied to me every time. I thought I was nuts for five months until I finally found chat transcripts on my computer that 100% confirmed it. After finding the bank statement a few days ago, I realized it went into August, not just March - May like she said. Bottom line, if she's buying lingerie, and is not using it for you or saving it for a near-term special occasion, I'd be almost 100% sure that she is having PA.

You may be in a state of shock right now. I was for weeks. Over time, trust your instincts. You know your W better than anyone else and should be able to read her like a book. I was able to read her, but I chose to believe her word (which turned out to be false) against my instincts.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. It is a difficult time, but I can tell that I am a much stronger and better person for having gone through it. This is the silver lining I have found. Possibly your marriage can be saved and you should work on saving it, but also be realistic about your situation. Since you have already received D papers, you should seek legal counsel and know your rights.

You have friends on this board who will give you good advice. You aren't the first person to cross this bridge, and, sadly, you will not be the last.

Thanks for your advice. I realize I am probably avoiding the truth. It is just tough to accept that the person I knew for 13 years could completely change like this. She was totally against couples with a cheating member, and even cut out friendships when she found out that one of them had committed this against the other, so I never worried about this.

Last night I spoke to her and she repeatedly told me that she isn't with anyone, however, How can I even trust her when only 34 day's before serving me she said we would never get divorced without going through as much counceling as needed.

I am in shock, and I'm not sure if I am trying to save my life with her, or just my life that I created in my community and my children. We have a very comfortable living, and both had good jobs.

I always thought that I could never forgive an affair but, when it really happens, I am faced with a difficult decision.

I have an attorney, and am following his advise, and fighting for my kids, but she is totally not acting like herself.

She keeps telling me there is no one and that I should only believe her, but come on, I can't be treated like a fool for ever.

I have tried to get her to read books, but since I'm not at home, she said the duties of the home are taking up too much of her time. I have volunteered to take the children, but she resists. Basically, avoiding accountability or trying to improve herself.

My wife is cute, but not beautiful. She still has a good figure for a mother of two, but nothing like when we first met.

She has a ton of issues that she won't address, and possibly will never be fixed. Those close to me have informed me, that a person suffering from Post Incest Syndrome may take 3-5 years to recover. I am 37 and I don't know if I can hold out waiting, for a slim hope that she will see the light.

Earlier in the week, she did go to a MC, and she really didn't want to talk about it. She informed me that we will both be attending a session on October 1, and that we can talk about our issues then.

I keep telling her I am not here to quit on her, rather she quit on the family. She states that it was all my fault.

I am in therapy for my work a holic perfectionist symptoms, but mutual friends said that I was too good to her, and that she is acting like a spoiled brat.

Her family even feels sorry for me, for her not even involving me in this decision.

I guess I have to find solice in my own person and know that I did everything possible to save this, regardless of her choices.

Driven,

I feel your pain, I know the problem's you face. I found out 5mnth's ago about my W's abuse, incest by her brother, and I am shure there is more. We have cut off all contact with My W's family, my W is on anti-D's med's. My W told me last night she has never felt as safe and comfortable as she feel's right now. The problem is that I dont feel safe or comfortable, my ? are not being answered. My IC say's I cannot push my W for answer's, because I am part of the problem at this time.

As a partner of a survivor, you are going to have to take a back seat, and be there for your W when she need's you. Just as your W get's diconnected from reality, you will also feel disconnected from your W. You have probably already felt the disconect for a long time and just didn't understand.

You cannot blame your W for thing's that have happened to her or thing's she has done, it is all part of the abuse, this to me is the hardest part, I am now getting so I can axcept this, but it is a daily struggle for me.

My IC did not recommend med'd for me, he think's I am doing OK without. I Went from 210lb's down to 160lb's in 6 week's I am now starting to gain some back.

Victoria-secret's, yes yes yes, I cant bring that up with my W at this time, and if you want save your marriage you wont either at this time.

You are going to have to become a person your W has never seen before, someone new to her, she is going to be someone new to you. You are going to have to pay close attention and listen to her, get very involed with the thing she like's to do even if it feel's like there is a grenade going off in your head. You must show her that you are truly the man of her life, and you will not win no award's for it, and then when she is ready you will be able to show your W the life she and you deserve.

My situations seems slightly different. She has already disassociated with me.

I know in my heart this is because of the abuse and past patterns she has exhibited in the past, I just assumed it was her, and it could never happen to me.

This week she actually said to me "you know what I do with friends who hurt me, I get rid of them". I have always seen this as a problem. She can't confront anyone, rather she walks away.

I have been reading about shame and anger, and I thought maybe it was me, but after reading on, I realize she has never exhibited anger in the traditional way. She is a total passive-agressive type of person. She pouts, holds grudges, and becomes silent.

I have or should I say, trying to let her go. You know, if you love someone, let them be, if it come back it was meant to be.

This isn't my style, but you were right, I need to back off, so that she can see what life without me and her children 50% will be like. The only thing is that she still has the comfort of our home, which was all custom made.

the funny thing about the house, was that I thought this would make her believe she participated in something that would build her self confidence knowing she helped pay for it. But instead she doesn't value this, as well as any other thing I tried to do.

I resigned to waiting, and preparing to moving on. IF this approaches, I will be a big believer in the 180 degree turn action plan. I normally push things, it's my nature, but hers is the total opposite.

Many people in my office, actually like the new me. I'm much more patient, forgiving, but still get the job done. Most of the staff, think this is for the better. However, I look at this as a second chance at happiness.

I just want to share it with my wife together with my two children. For us not to fix this would be a pure crime.

Driven,

Go to the emotional need's board and go on Porshe S thread.

Driven,

How is your situation now??? I hope things are improving.

Well, I'm not sure if they are better or not.

I have attended a MC, and tomorrow night we are scheduled to go together, however my wife calls it Divorce Counceling.

She still claims that there is no one, and that it was my perfectionism and lack of affection and compliments that ate away at her love for me.

I think it is her inability to bond. She has a track record of discarding those who don't do everything perfect in her eyes.

I am completely changing to treat her like she was still my wife, by being really nice, and complimenting her. In fact today, I called her at her work to leave her a message to have a nice day.

I'm not doing anything confrontational.

I offered her a 1-year separation, giving her complete control of the house, based upon a few terms. One is Counceling for us and her, and my continued counceling.

We are sharing our two children very well, but they are really suffering, which makes me want to really fix this thing.

However, I'm not sure if it is for them or for her why I try so hard.

I am a total family man, my kids are my life, my wife was always second. There were times when she even would be openly jealous about that. I have read a book which states that kids come second, and that if the marriage isn't strong, then the children can't take advantage of that.

I guess I have to agree.

I'll keep plugging away, but I'm not going to drive myself crazy over it. I can feel myself starting to slip away from her, which is scarry.

Thanks for the concern

It's been one month since my last post.

I tried the Marriage counceling route, but no success.

I have decided to throw in the towel. Fact is that this woman can not bond with anyone. She is a perpetual victim and isn't up to a challenge. The challenge of course is being an adult.

I can tell in her eyes that she is totally out of control. She is doing this for attention and doesn't know what she is doing to herself and to our family especially the kids.

The past 13 years or 1/3 of my life was a sham. She was playing the part, not living life. The hardest thing for me is to realize that I couldn't have done anything to prevent this, it was a time bomb waiting to go off.

She was never in the relationship, only the idea of what she wanted... expensive things, fun life, but not the mundane part of raising a family.

I have moved my focus 95% toward the custody battle and I think I actually have a half way decent shot of getting the custody of my children based upon her childish and damaged mental status. I am convinced that she doesn't even know she has a problem, much like an alcoholic.

The hardest thing for me is to let the woman I loved do this to herself. Again, the parenting part of our relationship is coming out. I should not have to parent her rather I will just respect her wishes and then move on with my life.

Driven,

Your W is going to have to work on her abuse issue's first. MC will not resolve those issue's, you cannot resolve those issue's only your W can.
I am now going to force my W into abuse counceling, chances are slim that we will remain married, but I will have done everything in my power to help my W and our marriage.

The only thing my W love's, is to hate herself.

Dred,

you too see only anger being projected outward it appears. I started to feel like I was the one with the problem.

I am temporarily living with my sister and her husband who is a "Family Therapist". He has since told me he could tell something wasn't right with her, ever since we were married.

He didn't ever know what, until this summer when I was informed about D-Day.

I didn't know what to do. In one of our conversations he asked me if she had ever been abused and I forgot about that.

He immediately said this wasn't about the marriage rather her problems that weren't addressed. I guess it made sense, but I am having a hard time accepting that this ruined my marriage and broke up my family (2 girls 6 and 4), which I adore.

I would do anything to take away their pain.

After many arguments in the last week, primarily initiated by me asking her questions, she finally said she would go to a therapist, only if I made all the arrangements.

I guess one last effort won't hurt.

One weird thing is starting to happen at my work, the word is out, it has 5 months and women that usually didn't talk to me are going out of their way, and yes, they are either single or divorced.

I've been told I was unapproachable before, but I guess when your in upper managment and you are available you it is overlooked. IT is flattering, but my heart isn't in it, although my therapist tells me I've been living alone for far too long, and I need to cut and move on.

Her demons may take her years to overcome, and still may not be able to repair the damage. I've read the books and it's true. Is it worth the risk????

driven,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would do anything to take away their pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem here is no matter what you do, there is going to be pain. They are going to have to live thru the pain in order to live beyond it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After many arguments in the last week, primarily initiated by me asking her questions, she finally said she would go to a therapist, only if I made all the arrangements.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying not to ask my W question's at this time, my W cannot answer her own question's, so she cannot answer mine. Make the arrangment's, show her you are willing to do what need's to be done. Make sure it is someone that can work with adult's abused as children. Not a MC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess one last effort won't hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no garantee and this is not a simple process, no two people are alike. If you start the healing process you are going to have be in the process for how ever long it take's, or at least as long it take's so your W can stand on her own two feet and continue to heal with out you if you choose to leave.

As far as other women, I know it would take me a long time before I would be ready to date, and the question's I would have to ask right up front would probably scare most women away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Her demons may take her years to overcome, and still may not be able to repair the damage. I've read the books and it's true. Is it worth the risk???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at it this way, you will get the chance to explore your own mind, and personality. Something's I thought ment a lot to me, dont, and something's I never thought about mean a great deal now.

Guy

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: dredthesilence ]</small>

Don't have much help for you. Just wanted to say something about my situation.

My H became involved in affair March 2001. I saw receipts for gifts, overheard phone conversations, saw at least 1 email. they were together CONSTANTLLY where we worked. He lied & lied. I suspected things more & more. He treated me like dirt more & more.

What he doesnt know is OW's now ex-h called ME!! He filled in a lot of puzzle pieces for me. When H moved out first time, I saw his truck parked at her place often. he would let OW's name slip to friends. Was out of house every night like clockwork 7-11PM, slept on floor in other room. Sometimes he heard or saw me there, Yelled at me that I was spying on him!! I told him if he didnt have anything to hide, he's got nothing to worry about. Since December he has cell phone & laptop. He hid all his credit card statments and phone bills. But I saw one, while home sick. He still does not know this. EVERY call for one month was to OW's home AND workplace, sometimes 5 times in one day. I am positive of their custody arrangement for their kid, cause every other week my H would arrive home a little earlier (she had kid that week). Her ex-H told me he told her not to expose their son to her male "friends".

He lies to me adamently, vehemently to my face that he is not having affair nor talks to OW. But He told me he sold ski machine - it was at her place. He told me he let our friend borrow laptop, it was at her place. He had box of stuff at her place. He told me he would not live in her old neighborhood & acted surprised when I told him she moved & said he didnt know and how did I know? (I had seen his truck there several times prior to this). He said she was happily married & what would he want with her? I told him her divorce was in paper, then he told me oh yeah, his boss told him!! He told me he was working out of town, I saw his truck at her place. He told me he never calls her - I saw the cell phone bill for this July-August while I had major surgery & was in recovery for 6 weeks. he called her while I was in hospital several times! He told me he was getting something to eat at those times. I havee confronted him on the receipts for gifts & he denies it. Ex-H told me she had new phone, fancy shower caddy, massage spa, & toys for kid etc.

He tells me the reason he's leaving is cause Id throw it in his face always. Throw what? He denies affair. Says its cause we're not compatible & have not been for ages, that we were "over a long time ago". (news to me!) That HE'LL never trust ME !! That my tears were crocodile tears and I was a drama queen, manipulative & cniving & selfish. that it was all about me & what about him!!?? The list goes on & on.

By the way, ex-H told me he found condoms in her travel bag & she took her sexy lingerie with her on work field trips. (why would she need it?). Started wearing wonderbra and she also began sleeping in a chair on other room. Spent loads from ATM & credit cards. She told her H she was taking ME out to restaurants for lunch on Saturdays (NOT !!, we had stopped speaking). $ 45 food bills.. (she was taking my H!). That she spend $6 at the grocery every Friday & didnt I know what that was? I said no. He told me thats how much a box of condoms costs and that she had a Kama Sutra book with dogeared pages. That she was with him sexually for a 3 week period (My H was recovering from surgery & could not perform at that time!). WHen she was with her H those weeks she was a different person, with differnet positions they'd never done before (ones I know my H likes). and she did things to him sh'ed always refused to (oral) which I know my H likes. When I allowed H to be with me after he came back last Jan, he was also different in the bedroom, wanting it rougher, faster & talking dirty. We were NEVER like that. With us it was always gentle, caring & a whole experience. Now he was acting like I was a hooker, no kisses etc just wham bam.

Sorry for the graphics. But I think the Victorias Secret stuff does mean something. Does your wife still sleep with you in your room? Are you still intimate? Would she wear the stuff for you? I would definatley suspect something is wrong.

Do go to counseling. I wish she would give you a chance. Mine said "I tried, it just didnt work out" but he never tried, not once. WIth OW & denying it & treating me like dirt. I told him he never gave us a try & his reply was "you, you, you, its always about you, what about me?" and that - I - never tried. Huh? I turned myself inside out for him & stayed this last year and a half being abused by him. And still I miss him & am not sure I could say no if he were to come back!! I must be nuts. But I'm pretty sure he wont be coming back this time. Well, him & OW deserve each other. Most respectable people will say "I dont want to get involved". That is what many others told him when he started complaining about me (untrue stuff). Obviously, OW sucked up to him instead. Gosh, I am so mad. Why cant people talk to their spouses & give it their all to work it out. THen, if it didnt at least we would not be in so much pain.

Focus on yourself & what you want for your life. I am trying, but it is very hard. I try to stay busy with 2 jobs & be with my friends & their kids. I wanted kids, he didnt. Thats another thing he denied me and my recent surgery was to have an ovary removed. I am approaching 40 & dont know if I will ever be able to have kids now. What a mess!

Well, you are not alone in this battle! Hang in there.

Don't have much help for you. Just wanted to say something about my situation.

My H became involved in affair March 2001. I saw receipts for gifts, overheard phone conversations, saw at least 1 email. they were together CONSTANTLLY where we worked. He lied & lied. I suspected things more & more. He treated me like dirt more & more.

What he doesnt know is OW's now ex-h called ME!! He filled in a lot of puzzle pieces for me. When H moved out first time, I saw his truck parked at her place often. he would let OW's name slip to friends. Was out of house every night like clockwork 7-11PM, slept on floor in other room. Sometimes he heard or saw me there, Yelled at me that I was spying on him!! I told him if he didnt have anything to hide, he's got nothing to worry about. Since December he has cell phone & laptop. He hid all his credit card statments and phone bills. But I saw one, while home sick. He still does not know this. EVERY call for one month was to OW's home AND workplace, sometimes 5 times in one day. I am positive of their custody arrangement for their kid, cause every other week my H would arrive home a little earlier (she had kid that week). Her ex-H told me he told her not to expose their son to her male "friends".

He lies to me adamently, vehemently to my face that he is not having affair nor talks to OW. But He told me he sold ski machine - it was at her place. He told me he let our friend borrow laptop, it was at her place. He had box of stuff at her place. He told me he would not live in her old neighborhood & acted surprised when I told him she moved & said he didnt know and how did I know? (I had seen his truck there several times prior to this). He said she was happily married & what would he want with her? I told him her divorce was in paper, then he told me oh yeah, his boss told him!! He told me he was working out of town, I saw his truck at her place. He told me he never calls her - I saw the cell phone bill for this July-August while I had major surgery & was in recovery for 6 weeks. he called her while I was in hospital several times! He told me he was getting something to eat at those times. I havee confronted him on the receipts for gifts & he denies it. Ex-H told me she had new phone, fancy shower caddy, massage spa, & toys for kid etc.

He tells me the reason he's leaving is cause Id throw it in his face always. Throw what? He denies affair. Says its cause we're not compatible & have not been for ages, that we were "over a long time ago". (news to me!) That HE'LL never trust ME !! That my tears were crocodile tears and I was a drama queen, manipulative & cniving & selfish. that it was all about me & what about him!!?? The list goes on & on.

By the way, ex-H told me he found condoms in her travel bag & she took her sexy lingerie with her on work field trips. (why would she need it?). Started wearing wonderbra and she also began sleeping in a chair on other room. Spent loads from ATM & credit cards. She told her H she was taking ME out to restaurants for lunch on Saturdays (NOT !!, we had stopped speaking). $ 45 food bills.. (she was taking my H!). That she spend $6 at the grocery every Friday & didnt I know what that was? I said no. He told me thats how much a box of condoms costs and that she had a Kama Sutra book with dogeared pages. That she was with him sexually for a 3 week period (My H was recovering from surgery & could not perform at that time!). WHen she was with her H those weeks she was a different person, with differnet positions they'd never done before (ones I know my H likes). and she did things to him sh'ed always refused to (oral) which I know my H likes. When I allowed H to be with me after he came back last Jan, he was also different in the bedroom, wanting it rougher, faster & talking dirty. We were NEVER like that. With us it was always gentle, caring & a whole experience. Now he was acting like I was a hooker, no kisses etc just wham bam.

Sorry for the graphics. But I think the Victorias Secret stuff does mean something. Does your wife still sleep with you in your room? Are you still intimate? Would she wear the stuff for you? I would definatley suspect something is wrong.

Do go to counseling. I wish she would give you a chance. Mine said "I tried, it just didnt work out" but he never tried, not once. WIth OW & denying it & treating me like dirt. I told him he never gave us a try & his reply was "you, you, you, its always about you, what about me?" and that - I - never tried. Huh? I turned myself inside out for him & stayed this last year and a half being abused by him. And still I miss him & am not sure I could say no if he were to come back!! I must be nuts. But I'm pretty sure he wont be coming back this time. Well, him & OW deserve each other. Most respectable people will say "I dont want to get involved". That is what many others told him when he started complaining about me (untrue stuff). Obviously, OW sucked up to him instead. Gosh, I am so mad. Why cant people talk to their spouses & give it their all to work it out. THen, if it didnt at least we would not be in so much pain.

Focus on yourself & what you want for your life. I am trying, but it is very hard. I try to stay busy with 2 jobs & be with my friends & their kids. I wanted kids, he didnt. Thats another thing he denied me and my recent surgery was to have an ovary removed. I am approaching 40 & dont know if I will ever be able to have kids now. What a mess!

Well, you are not alone in this battle! Hang in there.

Don't have much help for you. Just wanted to say something about my situation.

My H became involved in affair March 2001. I saw receipts for gifts, overheard phone conversations, saw at least 1 email. they were together CONSTANTLLY where we worked. He lied & lied. I suspected things more & more. He treated me like dirt more & more.

What he doesnt know is OW's now ex-h called ME!! He filled in a lot of puzzle pieces for me. When H moved out first time, I saw his truck parked at her place often. he would let OW's name slip to friends. Was out of house every night like clockwork 7-11PM, slept on floor in other room. Sometimes he heard or saw me there, Yelled at me that I was spying on him!! I told him if he didnt have anything to hide, he's got nothing to worry about. Since December he has cell phone & laptop. He hid all his credit card statments and phone bills. But I saw one, while home sick. He still does not know this. EVERY call for one month was to OW's home AND workplace, sometimes 5 times in one day. I am positive of their custody arrangement for their kid, cause every other week my H would arrive home a little earlier (she had kid that week). Her ex-H told me he told her not to expose their son to her male "friends".

He lies to me adamently, vehemently to my face that he is not having affair nor talks to OW. But He told me he sold ski machine - it was at her place. He told me he let our friend borrow laptop, it was at her place. He had box of stuff at her place. He told me he would not live in her old neighborhood & acted surprised when I told him she moved & said he didnt know and how did I know? (I had seen his truck there several times prior to this). He said she was happily married & what would he want with her? I told him her divorce was in paper, then he told me oh yeah, his boss told him!! He told me he was working out of town, I saw his truck at her place. He told me he never calls her - I saw the cell phone bill for this July-August while I had major surgery & was in recovery for 6 weeks. he called her while I was in hospital several times! He told me he was getting something to eat at those times. I havee confronted him on the receipts for gifts & he denies it. Ex-H told me she had new phone, fancy shower caddy, massage spa, & toys for kid etc.

He tells me the reason he's leaving is cause Id throw it in his face always. Throw what? He denies affair. Says its cause we're not compatible & have not been for ages, that we were "over a long time ago". (news to me!) That HE'LL never trust ME !! That my tears were crocodile tears and I was a drama queen, manipulative & cniving & selfish. that it was all about me & what about him!!?? The list goes on & on.

By the way, ex-H told me he found condoms in her travel bag & she took her sexy lingerie with her on work field trips. (why would she need it?). Started wearing wonderbra and she also began sleeping in a chair on other room. Spent loads from ATM & credit cards. She told her H she was taking ME out to restaurants for lunch on Saturdays (NOT !!, we had stopped speaking). $ 45 food bills.. (she was taking my H!). That she spend $6 at the grocery every Friday & didnt I know what that was? I said no. He told me thats how much a box of condoms costs and that she had a Kama Sutra book with dogeared pages. That she was with him sexually for a 3 week period (My H was recovering from surgery & could not perform at that time!). WHen she was with her H those weeks she was a different person, with differnet positions they'd never done before (ones I know my H likes). and she did things to him sh'ed always refused to (oral) which I know my H likes. When I allowed H to be with me after he came back last Jan, he was also different in the bedroom, wanting it rougher, faster & talking dirty. We were NEVER like that. With us it was always gentle, caring & a whole experience. Now he was acting like I was a hooker, no kisses etc just wham bam.

Sorry for the graphics. But I think the Victorias Secret stuff does mean something. Does your wife still sleep with you in your room? Are you still intimate? Would she wear the stuff for you? I would definatley suspect something is wrong.

Do go to counseling. I wish she would give you a chance. Mine said "I tried, it just didnt work out" but he never tried, not once. WIth OW & denying it & treating me like dirt. I told him he never gave us a try & his reply was "you, you, you, its always about you, what about me?" and that - I - never tried. Huh? I turned myself inside out for him & stayed this last year and a half being abused by him. And still I miss him & am not sure I could say no if he were to come back!! I must be nuts. But I'm pretty sure he wont be coming back this time. Well, him & OW deserve each other. Most respectable people will say "I dont want to get involved". That is what many others told him when he started complaining about me (untrue stuff). Obviously, OW sucked up to him instead. Gosh, I am so mad. Why cant people talk to their spouses & give it their all to work it out. THen, if it didnt at least we would not be in so much pain.

Focus on yourself & what you want for your life. I am trying, but it is very hard. I try to stay busy with 2 jobs & be with my friends & their kids. I wanted kids, he didnt. Thats another thing he denied me and my recent surgery was to have an ovary removed. I am approaching 40 & dont know if I will ever be able to have kids now. What a mess!

Well, you are not alone in this battle! Hang in there.