I have been involved in a 2 yr relationship that my husband knows nothing about. Reasonally the OM quits our relationship for another woman. Things have not been good for myself and husband and in order to get things back on a good relationship, should I tell him about the affair, or should I just start from now and work on getting things back right?

Mspenny

Ms Penny,

Welcome to MB. There is a lot of information you need to read first. You have given a brief overview of your situation but this is not the time for our opinions. There is a lot more to your situation that has not been told.

Can you setup an appointment with a local MC familar with MB info or even phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer?

There you can review your options, talk out your situation and make a better decision.

Also, read the concepts section above along with the books, surviving an affair and his needs/her needs. There is an emotional needs questionnaire that may be helpful.

Then come back and post.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
I have read His needs/Her needs and am presently reading Surviving an Affair. That is what lead me to this site. I have been unable to find an answer in either book. I know that I want things to work in the relationship with my husband, I just don't know if it is necessary to inform him about the situation or just work on it from my end, since he doesn't know anything was wrong.
Mspenny

I agree with Orchid and second her suggestion of counseling with the Harley's. They are the experts.

Since you've read 'Surviving an affair' I presume that you are aware of the term 'withdrawl'. Are you in or out of withdrawl at the present moment? I ask because, recovery is extremely difficult when the WS is in withdrawl of the OP because the BS shoulders the large part of the burden of recovery and feels more resentment and hopelesness towards the WS and the M.

Do you question the wisdom of telling your H about your A because of your fear of him leaving and divorcing you? Can live with yourself with the knowledge of what you did to him? Can you say for certain that you won't repeat your mistake and have another A down the road?

In any case, please get some counseling.

Most infidelity marriages are ended by the cheating spouse... just thought I'd throw that in there...

They feel they've caused so much damage... how could anyone ever get over it and move on with them. The betrayed spouse is more often than not willing to reconcile.

At the same time, how nice that your affair ended because he left you for another person. Raise your hand if you're surprised. <sees that no one has raised their hands> Gee, it must have been really tough to get dumped. Good thing you've got a spouse to go dump on now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lyxa:
<strong>Gee, it must have been really tough to get dumped. Good thing you've got a spouse to go dump on now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lyxa that comment does not help her situation. Unlike other WS's that are so adamant about not wanting their M anymore, Mspenny actually WANTS to work on her R with her H. Let's be a little bit more understanding, shall we?

Hi Penny..

And for all you who know me.... NO it's not me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You say you have SAA? Hmmmmm... Chapter 5 How Should Affairs End specifically talks about what the ideal is. Which is that the WS recognizes the damage, ends the A, agrees to n/c, and to the other conditions of recovery.

Radical Honesty is one of the cornerstones of MB. Chapter 10 Marital Recovery Guided by the Rule of Honesty addresses this in depth. Yes, you need to tell your H. You might want to consider doing that in the safety of a counsellor's or pastor's office.

I would encourage you to re-read SAA, with a highlighter in your hand. Mark everthing that strikes you in the moment, and then go back a look at those sections again.

I know this is a terribly difficult and painful time for you. I applaud your courage in coming here, asking for help, and for wanting to save your marriage. I suspect that with all the emotional turmoil you have going on, that much of what you read in SAA just wasn't able to sink in. That's perfectly normal and to be expected.

Please, for the sake of your marriage and yourself, rely on the the book heavily. Come here to ask for support to implement the things you find there, rather than for advice on what to do. Harley is great at what he does, and his methods work, when you implement them as written.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you out. I can always be found at the really long thread here at JFO that has something like 3500 posts. (You can't miss it.) It's started by Persistant. Just pop in and ask for me.

Blessings to you, and once again my commendation on your courage for coming here!

Cerri whose real name is ...... Penny ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />