I found out a month ago that my husband was cheating on me between the end of May through the first of August. We now have 3 small children but while this happened I was 8 months pregnant with #3. I stumbled across a secret email account he had and emails to another women. Out of the 3 emails he sent her most of the converstation was just friendly except for things like "I miss you too" or "I am worried about you" or "got to go wife is getting out of the shower". The emails from her weren't there and only 3 emails he sent were there, when I questioned him he said that is all he wrote her because a few weeks later he told her it had to stop that what he was doing wasn't right. He swears up and down that nothing sexual ever happened between the two of them except for flirting and some sexual converstations. My husband is a delivery driver and he met this women at one of his stops that he goes to once a week. Thankfully she lives 200 miles from us. We hashed things out over the period of a weekend but a couple weeks later I found out that not only did she give him her email address but also her cell number. He said that yes he had called her but never spoke to her. He led me to believe that all this took place between April and May, when he ended it with her. I also had found out that he had last accessed his secret email account July 17th but there were no emails from her and he said he was just curious to see if she had written him, his secret account has since been closed. Last week his cell phone bill came in the mail and there were two calls to this women on August 8th a whole 2 months after he led me to believe it was over. After lots of arguing and him making excuses as to why her number was on his bill he admitted that he had called her because he wanted to see how she was doing since she was fired from her job where he met her at and to see how school was going, that he just wanted to be friendly with her. He didn't see why they couldn't still be friends. I explained to him why and he says he understands and has no contact with her, and that he never even spoke to her that day or other days he had tried to call her (2 other times in May that I know of). He says he reacted to her coming on to him because he felt neglected at home with me being very pregnant and after reading Dr. Harley's website I now believe that is true, I wasn't meeting his emotional needs and I know he wasn't meeting mine. My problem now is, I can't trust him at all, everything he says and does I find myself questioning in my mind and heart. Somedays I look at him and love him like I used to and other days he just makes me sick. He seems to think that since we hashed everything out that no more talking needs to be done. I mentioned this site to him and he says, "Why do you keep bringing this up, I thought you wanted to get over this. Nothing happened between the two of us." Yes he tells me he still loves me and I know he does but I just hurt so much. I don't feel any resolve though and I want to sit down and talk about our emotional needs and I want him to understand what he is putting me through and what I am feeling. I just want to feel better about us and myself again and to not question every move he makes. I am to the point where every Wed night I cry because he is going up to where he first met this women. I really need help and support and a way to move on.

I apologizing now for any typos that there may be, I am writing this at 1245 am.

I'm at work, so I only have a few minutes, but just wanted to encourage you to come back and post. I'm sure that some of the older members will come back and post to you soon.

Take a look at WAT's quickstart guidelines for BS - that's a good place to start. And you could get the book Surviving an Affair, by the Harleys, and also one called Torn Asunder. These both deal with the consequences of "emotional affairs", which from your post, is what your H seems to have been involved in. There are many posts here from people whose spouses have engaged in both short-term and long-term emotional affairs. Many people feel they are potentially more damaging to a marriage than a straightforward extramarital sexual encounter.

My H had 2 EA's in the last 18 months - we have been on quite a rollercoaster since I found out about the first girl last June, but for the last 6 months, we have both been in IC and things are looking better. I understand the pain you are feeling, even though your H insists it is time to move on and get over it. Your trust in him has been deeply damaged and that needs to be rebuilt. It can be done and you can help him to do the things you need him to do, by finding a way to communicate your needs without making demands or alienating him. I have learned a lot from this site, and I am sure what I have learned here has helped me to persevere with my marriage.

Please don't despair - your feelings are normal. Come back - hopefully someone else will come along soon to post to you.

Take care,
LIR

Thanks so much for your feedback. I never even knew emotional affairs were a real think untill here recently. How interesting that you said you have heard that they hurt worse then a full blown affair. I keep thinking I am crazy because he had no sexual contact with this women yet I am devasted, I know that is why he thinks I am overreacting too.

What does WAT's quickstart for BS stand for. Sorry I am still getting the hang of all the abbreviations.

I talked to my H today and told him that I need help, that we need to sit down and work our marriage out. He thinks since he has spilled his guts about his EA that that is all he needs to do, but I still feel so wounded.

Thanks so much LIR

Maia

You are certainly not over-reacting. EA's are just as damaging as long term PA/soulmate affairs in my mind. You still feel betrayed. You still feel lied to -- my WH had both EA and PA and the only part worse about the PA was having to go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

LIR gave you some good reading suggestions. Reading really helped me to understand both my feelings and WH's. I strongly recommend you find out as much as you can through this website, the links she gave you and the books she recommended. The other book I recommmend is Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. Even for those not on the brink of divorce, it has many good insights into why affairs happen, etc.

Dear Maia,

first of all: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY!!!

You are a new mom of that one and "old" mom of the other two. That in itself is a major accomplishment!!!

Now to the situation with your H...you wrote that he travels a lot as a delivery driver. That in itself is a problem as you can read in the Harley's book. Does he have to stay out overnight? Is there a possibility to look for another job?

I hope that your happiness will return. Yes, even if your H and the OW had no sex it is still very hurtful, because it is still betrayal, broken trust and a broken promise of faithfulness. It is normal for you to feel this way, especially since he did this while you were carrying HIS baby.

Keep talking to your H. Show him your needs in a non-accusing way like: "I am feeling very sad today. Could you help me feel better?"

All the best to you

Dear Maia:
Try this link to WAT's Quick Start Quidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Hugs to you.
Terri
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940

WAT's guide is some information for people new to this site that will exaplin lots of things to you, it's a good starting place.

you can find it here. ( click on the link)
Wat's Guide

One of the things you can't understand is how he can just blow it off and try to go on when you are hurting so badly. I agree that it will take time and work for you to get through this. As you read, you will find ideas on how to express your feelings in ways that he can understand so that he can help you. It's not fair that you ( the injured party) should be the one to do the work but it may be that if you want the damage reparied you will have to do it anyway.

One of the most difficult things to cope with can be the WS's inability to deal with your feelings.
( See here to explain all the abbreviations used on this site)
Listener48's links to Abbreviations

This is not a simple thing, and it will take time and patience on your part and a lot of work on his part before it is better. You are not crazy for having the feelings you do.

Probably the first thing for you to do, ( as has been said by others) is to learn. It may take you a few weeks to really get grounded in the concepts here. I see you already understand about love banks, and so you can see what learning can do for you.

After you feel you understand what is going on, then you can formulate a plan for recovery. I suggest you leave things alone while you learn. Sometimes we make it worse when we try to fix things before we know all we need to know.

Your H doesn't feel you need counseling, but it would do you both good. It may be hard for him to understand the need but there are ways to help him get there. One that often works is to say that you need the help and would like him to come to give input to the counseler about how to help you.

Last, come back for specific help, for moral support, to vent, or just to talk to friends. We do care.

( Later) Looks like I posted some of this when someone else was giving the same stuff, but it never hurts.)

SS

<small>[ September 19, 2002, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you to everyone. All this info is so so helpful and I am compiling it to share with my WH. Yes my husband travels a lot but never has to stay overnight anywhere. . no way would I ever go for that even before this. He really has very little opportunity so have a sexual affair, and all of our free time is spent together. His days are very hustled. I have mentioned to him though that I don't want him going up North to where this women used to work and lives (he doesn't know where she lives) because I just can't trust him now. However if he stays with the same company then that probably isn't possible to quit the run. So I have been thinking about asking him to look for a different job and to start fresh.

Another question, how much of what he tells me should I believe? I tell him all the time you expect me to believe what you are telling me buy yet you are the one who was originally lieing and sneaking around behind my back.

Maia