Last night was tough on me. I scared myself to death. <P>I spoke with Dr. this morning and he is giving me some sleeping pills. Only 4. I don't think he trusts me with more than that. I was planning on giving them to my H to lock up in his gun case and only let me have one a day. I scared myself that bad last night.<P>I increase my anti-depressants tonight also so maybe with that and a good nights rest for the first time in about a week I won't be afraid to open the knife drawer.<P>Thank you for those that replied last night. I read them and cried, but couldn't bring myself to reply back. <P>I thought seriuosly about never posting again, or maybe changing my name and starting over as someone else. I decided not to run away, that could be a dangerous habit to start.<P>I did a lot of soul searching last night trying to convince myself to continue living. I realized how much I still want my H to hurt. I know that is not my job and is definitely the wrong attitude.<P>Hopefully I am back on track for a while. Thanks again.<P>Jess

Jess:<P>Just take it one day at a time. Whether you know it or not, your decision to keep living is probably the BIGGEST step forward. Life is precious, and NOTHING is so horrible that we can't endure.<P>You're a heckuva lot stronger than you think. Stay strong.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

I'm sorry, I meant to post a reply to your message last night. Sadly, I could understand all those feelings you described. I want my H to hurt for what he is doing to me and us and for myself, I just want to NOT feel for a while if just for 5 minutes. I can relate to a chilling quote from a movie about an alcoholic "for just 5 minutes I want to feel good". Of course she is describing a drink and I am describing a little joy in my marriage. Oh - the reason I didn't post (sorry for getting off track) I had to call my mother to calm me down. I am trying so hard just to finish my finals before I get any anti-anxiety or anti-depressants. My counselor tried to give me a prescription, but I just think the temptation to not study is too great without added temptation to finally catch up on sleep. For what it is worth hearing it from me, hang in there. It has to get better. I don't know when and that's the question I want answered, but it will get better. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Essyboo, time heals a lot. Will he ever hurt like you?? Probably not, or he wouldn't have cheated to begin with. This morning I wondered how many tylenol pm it would take to finish me off. That kind of thing wouldn't do any good. It wasn't a serious thought anyway. Hang in there. This is a hard time of year to be going through this hell. Try to take care of yourself.

I am new to the forum but not to the pain. I have had many thoughts about it being easier to run my car into a wall than to deal with all this. then I think of my kids and family and would not be able to do that to them. My biggest fear is how long all this is going to take to resolve and if he will ever come out of the fog. Also, will I be willing when he does. My anti-depressents help, but still sooo sad and on emotional roller coaster. All I can offer is you are not alone and we are here for you. Hang in there, he's not worth giving up over.<P>God Bless

Essyboo,<P>You sound better today. Just take your life one day at a time right now. Focus on finding some JOY instead of the revenge. Your H has to deal with whatever he has to deal with, and for him it may never be the same as you have endured. But, that is true for all people - everyone deals with things a little differently.<P>Hope the extra kick of anti-depressants starts to make you feel better sonn. If ot, maybe this prescription isn't the right on for you. If you still feel so down in a few days, you might want to talk to your doc about switching meds.<P>We are all so happy that we can be here for you. To extend a hand and help pull you up when you feel like your knees are bucking underneath you and the walls are caving in....<P>My candle is going for you tonight and the prayers are coming via e-waves.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>