I have been married 4 months (today - so not a good day for me!) and found out a few weeks ago that my husband is involved with a 20 year old (He's 31). I had suspected something for weeks and he kept denying it, but then would spend all of his time at the home where this girl was staying. (she was visiting from out of the country and was the cousin of my husbands friend). We have always had a difficult relationship, and in fact a year and 1/2 ago he had a fling with a coworker on a business trip - you'd think I'd know better, huh?! But he was SO sorry and cried and cried and we went to counseling so I thought, okay everyone deserves a second chance. He promised me he would never do it again, and oh, I wanted to believe him - so I did. To make things worse, one of our mutual friends has now spoken up - apparently he was fed up with my husbands behavior. I found out that this was not the first time or the second or the third - that my husband took off his wedding ring when he went out w/his friends; that he has gotten women's phone numbers, etc. And hubby? Oh, he's sorry (again) but will admit to very little...he is more angry at his friend for speaking up (says he is talking because he's always had the hots for me) and the fact that he is not living at our home now. He says he wants to work things out and that divorce should be the last option but i just don't know - I had to go on medication just to function the last few weeks. And too add to the mix, he is also controlling, verbally abusive and has a major anger issue. I havent read many other posts, so I hope this doesn't make me seem like I am totally insane for even marrying this guy in the first place! Thanks for listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I wish things were better but since they are not, we might as well start.

Here is a good place to start
Wat's Guide

It will explain a lot about what he is doing and saying.

Read as much as you can and then come back and we will try and help. You already know this, but it is a very hard thing to cope with and a lot of work to fix it, if it can be fixed.

We do care, hope you can are sleeping nights and eating right. Please take care of yourself.

Things are often slow in evenings, on fridays, and weekends. Don't worry if you don't get a lot of replies.

SS

Why don't you read my post and tell me what you think. I do not think that you are the insane one at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MPELE:
<strong>I have been married 4 months (today - so not a good day for me!) and found out a few weeks ago that my husband is involved with a 20 year old (He's 31). I had suspected something for weeks and he kept denying it, but then would spend all of his time at the home where this girl was staying. (she was visiting from out of the country and was the cousin of my husbands friend). We have always had a difficult relationship, and in fact a year and 1/2 ago he had a fling with a coworker on a business trip - you'd think I'd know better, huh?! But he was SO sorry and cried and cried and we went to counseling so I thought, okay everyone deserves a second chance. He promised me he would never do it again, and oh, I wanted to believe him - so I did. To make things worse, one of our mutual friends has now spoken up - apparently he was fed up with my husbands behavior. I found out that this was not the first time or the second or the third - that my husband took off his wedding ring when he went out w/his friends; that he has gotten women's phone numbers, etc. And hubby? Oh, he's sorry (again) but will admit to very little...he is more angry at his friend for speaking up (says he is talking because he's always had the hots for me) and the fact that he is not living at our home now. He says he wants to work things out and that divorce should be the last option but i just don't know - I had to go on medication just to function the last few weeks. And too add to the mix, he is also controlling, verbally abusive and has a major anger issue. I havent read many other posts, so I hope this doesn't make me seem like I am totally insane for even marrying this guy in the first place! Thanks for listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MPELE Why don't you read my post because I do not think that you are insane. I feel what you are talking about. It is pretty long post but it is pretty similar to what you are going through.

The thing that frightens me is that you say he is verbally abusive. Just so you know, abusive relationships have a tendency to escalate in severity. No matter what happens, your safety MUST come first.

I'll tell you what I think about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
The reason he hasn't changed his ways is because he's had no incentive to change. Why should he, he's having the best of both worlds. There are many possible reasons for his behaviour. You both need to see a MC and he certainly needs to see an IC. Working on a M involves both partners being honest and doing everything that needs to be done to make the M work. Your WH isn't doing his share because you are picking up the slack and not holding him accountable for his choices. There are consequences to every decision we make, he is just not getting it, is he? Your WH figures all he has to do is say "I'm sorry" and that will make it all better. You need to establish some boudaries for your M. It's time for your WH to grow up and act like a man.

Don't make any hasty decisions, now is not the right time to decide anything important. Do not walk away from your marriage unless the abuse continues, gets worse or if you find out he has a substance addiction. You need to able to say to yourself that you did everything you could to make the M work.

Thank you so much to all of you for your words and advice, and i did print that WATS and plan to read it all asap. i have talked to so many friends about this situation but i just needed to badly to hear from those who have been through it themselves. Some more info on H and me is just that we both knew our relationship was a mess for a long time and we just didnt take the time to work on all the issues we had. The hard thing for me is looking back and seeing how much i really put up with and let him get away with - like one of you said - he had no incentive to stop behaving badly. I am already in IC, he says he is going to go to one, but we shall see on that one - he of course want us to go together but i told him i was not ready for that yet - that I need to get stronger for me before i make any descisions about our relationship. That's also why he's not home now - he is staying in his parents basement, which is one thing i can smile about - how appropriate, huh!
anyway, one thing i didnt mention thats the hardest is there is a child involved - my 8 year old daughter who has only known my H as her daddy, though hes not...but the two of them were inseperable and now as i am hurting i have to watch her hurting and acting out and it's so difficult.
i may not be able to write long letters like this all the time b/c im at work & no PC at home, but again thank you all - i needed this support SO badly.

One of the most difficult things to cope with are your own feelings. There are a lot of conflicting ones, hate, love, fear, anger and so on. The more you learn ( reading on the site here) the better you can cope.

Here are some more links to imformation.
Listener48's links to Abbreviations

You can get lots of information on this site but you should also read some books.
I recommend the book " Surviving an Affair" by Harley. It will get you off to a good start. It can be found in some librarys, some book stores and ordered from this site if you can't find it elsewhere.

Again, sorry for your pain and hope you are OK today.

SS