Hello. I have been lurking for awhile and feel like I know some of you already! Seems like a great place for support and confidence building.

My story ... My husband( 45 next month) and I (47)have been together for over 17 years and married almost 15 (February). I have been married before and have a 27 yr old daughter from first marriage. He was married prior, no children. We have 3 children, 9 yr old daughter, 2 sons aged 12 & 13. We have been living a very busy life for some time, he has traveled with his job off and on for over 10 years. I have my own business (in my 4th year)after staying home for 10 years.The business is finally starting to carry itself now financially and time wise. I'd say in the last 5 years we had not spent much time doing things together.I had grown resentful prior to this, with three small children and being moved to a city when I was 40 I felt lost and alone. I have been angry over the years with all the responsibility I felt I had, trying to be same mom and now a business owner with a husband who was travelling or upgrading his education to get ahead.

H just finished his certification for CPCC (Certified Professional Coaxial Coach). It seems that he has been analyzing our life together and found it was and is not what he wants for his life.How this presented itself was with an EA with my best friend who had come to visit with us from another city. Her husband, (my husbands best friend), had left her after 16 yrs last February. I had invited her to take a break and come have some fun.

Both H and OW work out, jogged and spent time together while I worked and made nice dinners etc. over those 5 days. I had for the first time felt a slight discomfort with the time they were spending alone, one night they stayed up past 3 am talking. We had had lots of wine to drink and we all got talking about our marriages. Jim asked me, when we were all talking together, what I loved about him? I being slightly drunk and like a deer in the headlights could not come up faSt enough with my response. Apparently he felt that it was the sign he needed that our marriage was over(didn't know this until later).I went to bed and they stayed up, I was a little angry thinking he would come to bed with me and Ilaid awake for awhile waiting, finally fell asleep.

The day after OW left to go home, H came home earlier than usual, I had also gotten home earlier and was napping on the couch. THe weekend had been emotionally trying. He sat down and told me he wanted out of the marriage and that he was not in love with me any more. The fighting and resentment was too much. I did not know about the EA at that point and spoke to him about getting counselling, realizing that if was finally time to do something about the problems.

THe next day H was very offish and quiet. My intuition spoke to me. I asked if there was someone else? He said yes that he had feelings for my friend! My heart broke at that moment, even though I knew it. I did not however, think that the feelings were mutual with my F. I decided to call my friend to talk with her about it, after all I could trust her! Especially seeing as she had just been through the same stuff with her H. She said that his feelings were silly and basically not to worry. I asked her to not encourange him to go on "out of town" runs with him as we needed time to work out our stuff.
H went on trip next day and while he was gone only called me once (when he was not alone) could not talk about anything.

Day he was coming home called my from airport, I told himm I had talked to F and she said she had no feelings for him. He said "is that so!" It ended up that I called her before he got home and she was avoiding me on the phone, I asked her if H had called her. She said yes. I askedd what she told him. She said she loved him and they had talked a few times. I was astounded, I told her if she was any kind of friend she would back off for a least 1 year. I said it would be a no win situation that would end up hurting 4 adults and 5 children if they didn't stop now!

She said she was sorry, I kept my cool and said I felt she was a sad case and needed to get her own life together for her children and stay out of mine!

Husband wrote her a love poem via email the next week, I accidentally found it (his hotmail popped up unexpectedly)SHe was sending photos of her girls and telling him that he was a wonderful man and life was going to be incredible when they could finally be together!

I called H on cell phone and said he had to get home now, we had to talk. I sent children to fiends house. H got home expecting bags to be packed. I decided I wanted the marriage to work and to reconnect. We had a 2 hour conversation about everything. Total honesty! I decided over this period of time that I was going to live my life without anger, and with love. I continue to do loving things for H and feel good doing it.I am working on myself, books, journalling, counselling and exercising to feel better.

He has been waffling back and forth. We each have our own counseller. He is'nt ready for MC as he still thinks we are lost cause.

Yesterday I bought a book "THE Divorce Remedy" by Michele Davis. I was reading it last night, he asked what book it was. I told him and he kind of smirked and asked if I still thought the marriage was salvagable. I told him yes, he asked what the book was about. I had only read a few chapters but paraphrased what I read. He went out to play evening hockey, I went to bed but left the book out on the footstool. I could tell this morning that he had at least picked it up because it was turned over in a different spot. I gave me a glimmer of hope.

I love my H and will continue to be loving but I think he is thinking of moving out and I am afraid if he does it will be harder to work it out. I am not sure what to do now?

Sorry for the length of the post but everything seems to be relevant!

Shelita

Sometimes I just want to cry for everyone.

I am H, 47. My oldest is 24, youngest are twin girls 9. I can feel for you.

S, you have a long hard road and there are no guarantees. Sounds like you want badly to save things. The book you have is a good one (reported on by many here) but I have not read it. I suggest when you are finished digesting it, try "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley and start meeting his needs.

This didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed in a day either. I am so sorry for you and for your H, and for your former friend.

You should understand that she is no longer your friend. She is after your H now. Although you should be nice to her, treat her as the enemy. Don't give anything away, don't confide in her.

I hope you can continue to be kind to H. Right now you think it is a EA, but we don't know what will happen. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and work has hard as you can for success in your marriage.

Remember to take care of yourself. Your children depend on you so you need to make sure you get enough sleep and stay healthy. After reading your story, I have great faith in you, I hope he can do as well and that he comes to his senses.

It sounds like you have been reading for some time, but if not, I can leave some links of places to go on the site for more information.

May God bless you with a full recovery over time.

SS.

Dear SS,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really needed to hear them this morning!

My H is saying this morning that he has made up his mind to leave. Last night he arrived home later than promised, drinks with friend at pub. We had made plans night before to order pizza in with the kids and one of the boys needed to go to a 7 PM party. He didn't show up until it was too late. You would think that after being away for most of the prior two weeks he would make an effort to spend time at home, even if only for the kids! Son found own way to party, the other 1 had make do dinners. I was updset that he would not have thought of us at all! I kept my cool as much as humanly possible, he was throwing out zingers and I could not stay to listen so I called a friend and we went out for coffee and a bite to eat. He did not know where I was going or with who. No threats, I just said I needed some time with a friend!. My girlfriend and I went to a local restaurant and were sitting talking when we saw my H drive by, it seemed that he was looking to see where I went. Keep in mind that it is totally unlike me to actually go somewhere without him knowing all the details, I have never hidden anything before and was not actually trying to this time!. I was so surprised to see him drive by, that it made me wonder what was up with his head!
Anyways, this morning he says he is sorry for the nasty words, and said he is angry all the time and therefore it is a sign that he needs to leave. He said he thinks he is using the anger so that I will kick him out! Is said "it won't work"!

I told him that I feel that somewhere inside him is the man I married and love. His counseller suggested I come in for separation counselling, I said I would not facillitate his ease of leaviung in that manner, but would go to a MB to work on the possibility of seeing if we have a fututre together, and that I know that the children would benefit from the knowledge that their parents at least gasve it their best shot! before packing it in! His choice in the end, but think long and hard about how you will feel much later if you don't try!

I would love to know if you have any suggestions for further reading, I have always been one to search for answers to the questions of the moment!
Any ideas on what I should do or say to H, I cannot help him ease out of our life at this point!

S

Hi and welcome to MB,

First of all, I commend you on your efforts of dealing with these issues without too much LBing! Hard to do. You even know the OW, which makes it harder.

What have you read from here? You will find that you can NOT control your H's actions. His A is making him do stupid things to you and your children. He may even let it affect others (friends, family, business, finances, etc.) Like a bull being led to the slaughter is how the Bible puts it. Sooo true.

What you can do and you will see from your reading is to learn how to strengthen yourself, protect you and your children. Learn how to NOT enable the A. Read Redhat's thread on GQII about not enabling the A, it lists many points that the BS needs to cosider.

Plans A and B both have their proper uses. Learn them well and implement as you see fit.

Work on bettering yourself, don't enable the A, let him be responsible for his decisions, learn what to be wary of the OW (her motives, habits, finanacial impact, etc.) and use that info to your benefit.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Your H may have the 'knight in shining armor' syndrome. OW may be using that to her advantage. Unfortunately our 'woman kind' can be ruthless with that technique. But it can be dealt with.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid,

I wass reading your reply and when you said" his knight in shinging armour" synndrome I just about fell off my chair! His counseller suggested to him that he had a "needy women rescue" issue maybe? We were talking not 5 minutes ago and hetold me he dismissed this and found no grounds for that assumption! Funny, but when I met him 17 years ago I was needy. No I am a strong woman and we seem to have gone our separate paths! I guess I am not that "needy" anymore! His counsellor is also enabling the separations as far as I am concerned so I am not willing to go to mediation counselling with sometone whos interst lies in making my H lifew easier and happier.

Today my H found a house to buy that he thinks he can afford as well as keeping our main home up?! I really don't think he has any sense of reality on what is involved with setting up from scratch! On the other hand it is only a few blocks from the kids school, and maybe it would do him good to be a week on parent (full time!) which he has never done before! Also he says, if the marriage recovers we can keep it as an investment property!
So not sure which way to react.- I keep wanting him to realize that the kids life will never be the best we could have offered to them - he says all is fine! What to do now? I don't know!

Should I just leave him to search out the possiblility of leaving and doing into the new home? Give up fighting?

Shelita
this was our fun name when we played)