Just a curiousity question?
Is it hard for you not to ask quetions? I can't help but ask questions.
My H would love for me never to bring up anything to do with his A.
It is all I can think about.
I feel like, if I were to never bring it up, he would think it's all forgotten.
I have so many questions to ask him.
I do remember reading that you shouldn't keep bringing it up, but how do you not?
Is it time that helps you not to bring it up?
He works at the same place with her. Has the opportunity to see her everyday, but doesn't he claims.

Another question I have if anyone is in this same situation.

The annual employee Christmas Party will be coming up in a couple of months.
I have told my H I WILL NOT go since she will be there.
I feel so ashamed of his actions.
Do I go and hold my head high, or do I not go from shame of their actions?

Any input would be great.

Hope to hear from you.
K

You bite your tongue. But, to be honest, it was all I could think about, talk about for about 2 months. Now, 3 months out, I find myself biting my tongue a lot.

You're angry ow when you're angry... Anger self justifies itself. Never ask when you're angry... there is no answer he can give that will make you feel better and you might use the details to either castigate yourself or him. I assure you.

Right now, there are only two questions I want absolute answers to:
- Does my WW still love the OM?
- Does my WW see any hope of a future with me?

Thanks for your input.

I think you hit it right on.
To ask when I am upset, there are no right answers that make me feel any better.

Both he and I feel we have to give our M every bit of energy.
We still love each other very much, and we have 2 beautiful daughters.

His reason for the A was purely sexual. I know I was not meeting his needs, and that was due to him not meeting mine.
I truly don't feel his A was emotional, which for some reason helps, that there are not deep feelings. However, he did say he felt there was something there, but I do feel it was all based on sex.

I don't feel this other person is who she pretended to be, and I think he sees that too.

We have not been in any counseling yet, although I think we should give that a try as well.

Thank you for your input.

H A 10/01 thru 12/01
D-Day 1/02

Me & my H have been in recovery now for 5 months. Talk about a roller-coaster ride with emotions. He hates me to keep talking about it as he says it just keeps him ridden with guilt and doesn't help him in trying to forget the OW.
He also works with her and just a week ago I told him he has to quit his job or we will have to separate as I cannot deal anymore with watching him leave for work knowing he will see and talk to her. He is still emotionally attached to her after 5 months only because he sees her 5 days aweek. As long as they work together, the temptation will always be there and I refuse to go thru this again. We have been married for 30 years and everyone has always envied our marriage (if they only knew!) We no longer can go to anything work related like you said (Christmas parties, etc.etc.etc.) He now has the choice.........quit a 28 year career or move out. Fortunately, he said he will give his 2 week notice the 1st of Nov. (we'll see) I am afraid now that he will think everything is going so good (which is since I now have a date to the end of this nightmare) that he no longer has to quit....Hang in there....But remember, I truly believe you will never totally reconnect emotionally if they continue working together........5 months & we're still not there. I know he still thinks of her everday he is at work........

Thanks Still Confused--
At least I know someone knows exactly where I'm coming from. It sounds like we have the same situations pretty much.
My H, so he says, does not see OW everyday, and if what he says is true, he has not spoken to her since the last encounter 10 months ago.
My H was always, always and honest person, until it came to women, then he failed, BIG TIME!

He claims he will never lie again, and never ever cheat again. I have told him, I can not go through this again, ever.

I feel like I'm putting myself on the line, but for me, my marriage is worth it.

He is in a management position, and he is expected to be at this party.
I don't however feel that we have to go, considering what he has done. I have had him tell his boss about this whole deal, wanting him to know why NOT to expect him at functions. Funny thing, outside work related things, jobs expect you to be there.

I'm sorry for you, 30 years of marriage. You just don't hear of that much. I hope for the best for you and your H.

I don't know for sure if this is what "for better, or worse" stands for or not, but I'm giving it my all. I also know that he has given me complete grounds for divorce if it has to come to that. I hope and pray not though, as my heart and soul are not in that just yet.

Thanks for your help.
K.

Have you read Torn Asunder? It's a great book. In there it says that if one of you is not comfortable talking about the affair, it hasn't been talked about enough. Don't brush it under the rug. Feeling the intensity of your pain will help to prevent another affair. Also, read the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and ask your H to read it too. My H didn't understand why I needed to talk about it and ask questions, until he read these 2 things. It really helped him to understand why the BS needs to know.

Don't rush yourself. It won't help.

Thank you, No, I have not read either, but I'm going to take your suggestion.

Things I thought were going pretty well, I can say even the pain seem to be lessoning. It has been 9 months since he told me.
Just last night, he told me, that he still has feelings for her, but he does not know what they are. He thinks they are old, but he feels something. He says, he does not want to be with her, is not going to be with her, but yet he is confused with the feelings. Is this a normal function of an A.?
He has not spoke to her in the 9 months, but it's approaching a year of when the whold mess started. Could that be the cause, I don't know?

I appreciate your suggestions, and I will read the material.

Thank you,
K.

Your original question probably goes a long way in answering some of your follow ups and possibly explaining some of your husband's behavior. I'm sorry, but all I can do is relate it to my experience.
I posted a thread earlier about blank slates, talking largely about the things an MC helped me and my FWS understand. In short, he helped me understand that every time I brought up the As, it was a love buster. She is ready and willing and committed to moving on, to rebuilding a good life. I say I am, but I constantly refer to the As in comparisons, in judgements, etc. Each time is, as she said, like me walking in on her and the OP. It's a huge LB.
Now, I've been doing this for about 12 weeks now since D-Day and finally understand that what she wants if for me to leave the past outside our marriage. Ok, that's cool. Now I know the RULES.
Your situation is nearly one year old now. If you're committed to moving forward as you say, then he's probably wondering why you have to keep going back and looking at the wreckage. Consider this: You did things that sent him looking for fulfillment elsewhere. If he kept bringing those up, it would be an LB for you, yes?

You have to mark your rules. If you want to talk about the past, make that a rule. If he agrees, then go about it. If he doesn't, negotiate. Reach an understanding that will help satisfy both parties, then STICK TO THE RULE.

In time, you can modify the rule as your relationship matures. Your inability to accept what has happened is probably the problem here. Yes, you have a right to feel pain, but you are freeing yourself if you learn to accept that what happened is in the past and it cannot change. It is what is is.

As for the XMas party, I feel your pain. My FWS works with the OM. However, she wants to go, not because of the OM, but because it's an office party and she enjoys it. I want to go for her. I'll be damned if I let HIM dictate how I run my life. He can skip if he's uncomfortable. And believe me, if there is a problem, I'm capable of handling it in a mature way. Running from the OP is not the way to proceed.

Thanks Chorus--

There is so much that can be learned, and I am trying.

I appreciate the things you have said.

The input really helps.

I have thought the same, why should I not go because on ONE person, at the same time, she makes me very uncomfortable.

K.