Hi. I am very new here and do not know all of the lingo and letter symbols. So, please bear with me as this might be lengthy. I'm also not sure if my problem is worthy of being posted here since it was just a one night stand (or at least that's what he says).

Here is a little history of our relationship: we met in college and have been together since, been together 6 years, married 1.5 years, we have a one year old daughter, I am 25, he is 26 years old. We both cheated on each other in college (kissing only...as far as I know anyway). He says it was no big deal and I kinda agree since it was college and we were not married at the time. But, I have always had doubts about him cheating again (that were confirmed last week, but I'll get to that later). Since we have been married we have had a rough time. We fight ALOT and our fights become very nasty (we say mean things to each other that hurt me very much). I have caught him in many lies. He admittedly has a problem with being "controlled" and addmittedly does things he knows will hurt me simply because he wants to. Then he lies about those things to prevent a fight. For example, he wanted to go to a strip club with friends (who by the way, are ALL single and looking for hook-ups EVERY time they go out), I was pregnant at the time and told him I was uncomfortable with it. He got angry, insisited on going, and we fought about it for weeks. Finally, he agreed to just go to a regular bar with the guys. The day after they went I asked him where they went and he insisted they went to a reg bar. It came up occasionally for months following and he always maintained they did not go to a strip club. Well, 6 months later he admitted they did indeed go to a strip club. That is just an example of his lying tendencies, there are many more instances like that one. He does not see anything wrong with those lies because, "they're not big deal", "he has to lie because I wouldn't let him do those kinds of things", "those are little lies and he knows the difference between big lies (cheating)", etc. So, I know that he is a liar and he shows no remorse after I have caught him in lies.

So, basically I never trusted him. He would get very angry with me for not trusting him and said that his little lies are not reason enough to not trust. He always wants to go out with his friends (who are single) and stay out at bars until 2 AM without me. I am very uncomfortable with that since I don't trust him and since each of his friends brings a different girl home with them every time they go out. He gets angry and resentful towards me over this and insists that he could not and would not EVER cheat on me. The cheating issue comes up ALOT. Well, lately I have been trying to be more open to things and to trust him more and give him more freedom to go out with his friend without me (we do go out with them together a lot).

Now for the incident: a week ago he emails me at work and tells me that he had sex with another woman 4 months ago. It was a night that he went out with a friend to a bar. I was out of town for the night with our daughter. While at the bar his friend was telling him about his recent hook-ups with girls and it just so happened that a girl at the bar was showing interest in my husband. So throughout the night they were kissing and fooling around. Then they ended up going to a secluded parking lot and having sex in the backseat of OUR car. They didn't use a condom. A week later I got some kind of wierd infection, I asked him if he had cheated and he adamently replied "NO, I would never do that." Since then we have talked about cheating and whenever I ask him if he has ever cheated, he says no and I'm being dumb, paranoid, etc. He says he could never and would never do that. Well, apparently since then he has been having problems 'down there' and went to be tested for STD's and aids last week, which is why he finally told me (4 months later). I guess I was correct in never trusting him (...or did I drive him to do this?) He apologized and says it only happened once and he has had not contact with her since and that he is sick over it and he's learned his lesson, etc. But yet, he still says he didn't do anything wrong by lying to me about it. He also told me that he was not even attracted to the girl, it just made him feel good that someone else was attracted to him and his friend was talking about all of the girls he does and my H was envious. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'll ever trust him again......how can I after he's admitted that he sees nothing wrong with lying. And I have always had this wierd feeling that he's doing things behind my back. We are going to begin seeing a therapist, but he has already told me that although he wants to work things out, he does not really want to see a therapist. So how effective can it really be if he's not really into it.

My questions are: do I have reason to think that this was not the only time he has been unfaithful.....is cheating just a part of who he is? Will he do it again? Am I a pushover for taking him back so quickly and agreeing to try to work things out? Can I ever trust him?

I know that no one is a fortune teller or anything, but maybe this resembles someone else's situation and you can help me shed some light on this. I am very hurt and confused, but I do love him and want to keep our family together. I just don't know if I can ever get over this and trust him. How can he love me and hurt me so badly? And how do I know he won't do it again?

Hi Jessm,

I'm not the expert, I'm sure that they will find you and help you out. I just have a couple of things to say....

Of course your problem is worthy of being here. Cheating is cheating. It adversely affects your family, therefore it is a problem. There are many posters around who haven't "exactly" been cheated on, just porn problems, strip clubs, etc. It's all sex outside the marriage and therefore it is cheating in my eyes.

Next, no you did not drive him to do this. It was his choice. The conditions of him going out with single friends "looking for love" so to speak put him in an available place for it, but in the end, he made the decision.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to counselling. Read, read, read. I know firsthand the sick feelings that betrayal puts upon you. For the sake of your marriage and your daughter it is important that the conditions that led to this be removed, i.e. going out with single friends.

There is much good information here and some wonderful people who can help point you in the right direction.

Can you ever trust him. Some say you can. I haven't found myself in that place yet, but if everone does the right things, I'm sure it can happen.

Hugs and Prayers.
PasDeDeux

Hi Jessm,

I was just checking back and see that noone else has writtne you. How are you doing? Are you finding the things that you need?

PasDeDeus

Hi there,

I was the one who cheated in our relationship. I betrayed my husband. My affair never went physical although it was talked about time and time again.

I truly feel for you and hear the pain in your words. It seems you are dealing with alot of things here. Your Husband's immaturity level, still wanting to be "one of the single guys". If he won't go to counseling, you go. it will be good for you and perhaphs he will in time change his mind.

He has been taught a lesson, I hope, the hard way. He played the game and got caught in the worst way. Sleeping with strangers not knowing where they have been, carries a big risk and he found out. Unfortunatly so did you. I hope you got checked by a doctor and were treated. I know your emotions are going all over the place right now with good cause.

I am new here too but been reading the site for a long time. There is alot of good info here but you may also post your story (copy and paste) in maybe a few other departments to get a variety of responses.

This may be the straw that broke the camel's back in waking your husband up. I hope so. This is a very sad story. You are certainly not alone.
I hope that you can get the help you need and things work out.

Zoey