I been coming here for a month now reading. ask a few question. Never told my story. If i don't talk to some one am going to lose my mind. On 1/14/02 my H told me he didn't feel the same about me the love, passion, desire all that stuff was not like it use to be. I was crushed one of my first Q was is there someone else? A:No I was in shock. He never left but i knew there was more to this. you don't just not love someone after 22yrs. I know all couples have this bond but my H and i spent most of our time oversea (military) so very close. for 2 months he was the coldest person i ever met. During this time i felt no shame i begged told him how much i loved him you name it (now i feel some shame). On 3/7/02 i found a letter in his car. I was crushed my gut was right. Had to admit the A still very cold. 2 wks before our D came home for visit from AForce. We had a long talk he told me about OW and how they met and blablabla. Said it was over. We have since bought a house (Our First) My problem is i just coouldn't let go this gut feeling something still wasn't right. last night he confessed the OW does work with him. Isn't it funny all the post i've read and felt relieved after reading about OW being Co-workers. He is at work now and so is she and this is my first day knowing. what i am getting to is all these months we been living a lie. There was this fictional woman that was driving me out of my mind. You wouldn't believe all the stupid things i done trying to get info on her. DUH she was right under my nose the whole time. I feel so strange almost like defeat but im not a quitter. He said that was the last lie that everything was out now. the thing is i have no choice but to trust him if im going to stay. he see's her everyday. I am so scared. I know my heart couldn't take it if another lie like this comes out.I thought some of you BS that have to deal with OW as H coworkers could give me some advice how to deal with it. I know this has been long sorry if i didn't get it out my mind felt like it was going to explode.

hello CarolynG -- I'm at work and probably don't have time to give the full response you so badly need right now, but I did want to let you know you are not alone. I was in a very similar situation and my WH still works with the OW.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley or After the Affair by Jennifer Abrahm-Spring or Private Lies by Pittman? All three books helped me get a grip when I felt like my life was slipping away with lies and betrayal. It helped calm me down and let me see the whole picture, including what I contributed to this bad place in our marriage. Never an excuse for an A, but it does help you get a plan together for yourself.

I will try and get back to your post later and hope others come in soon.

It is very disorienting when you first really know (although we all had our gut feelings) what really went on and who it is/was. I don't want to make you paranoid, but you do need to have a plan because it is very hard to know whether the relationship has truly completely ended and in my experience was hard for WH to extract himself from the situation/it took several months.

Stay strong. Read. Get a plan together for yourself.

Been doing so much reading and praying. I know i have to take my part in this A. or Fling as my H called it. I was so busy being a good mother to my H i neglect the wife part. During my searching over the months i take great responsibilty i believe any A takes 3. I truely believe my H loves me I believed it when all this started i wouldn't still be here otherwise. I actually felt the one and only time he was with OW physically. and from all the evidence i do believe it was the one time. But all the way thru till yesterday lie after lie. After he finally told me the truth He said thats everything (again) thats the part im scared of. As for the OW she didn't wait around she has already moved some man in with her and her 2 boys. tells what kind of morals she has. I know he lost his way. I think this last lie really scared him he thought i would be gone. The truth is i was so obessed over this woman like i said i did some relly stupid things to find out about her (i have a police friend) and nothing because she never existed. Do you think he would have come clean if i hadn't persued it. Are they really trying to protect the BS when they lie. and don't think i want keep my eye on this OW been with H 22yrs but not that far out of loop. I keep coming back to this big lie. I was actually at a company function and didn't have a clue she was there but you bet she knew me. makes my stomach flipflop. I am a stay at home mom can only clean something that is clean so much how to cope knowing they are in the same place all day. Does it get easier? Should I just trust and see if he breaks my heart again? Every time i read about these BS's H working with OW i felt so bad for them thought i could never do that. Here i am again doing exactly that. Amazing what you will do that you say you would never do when all this happens to you. Women that purposely go after married men should wear a sign. haha thanks for letting me vent. My H was affraid to do the EN Questionnaire because of lies now that everything is out he is willing to do anything so maybe we are finally and truely on the same path now.

I spent time in the military and know A's are rampant there. If I were you I would go to H's commaning officer, describe A, and ask to have H transferred to another dept. Even though she has moved on, there may still be an emotional attachment - get H away from her! Now you need to A - proof your M as described in Harly's books. Your H might be happy that you are willing to fight for the M!

So sorry to hear you have to deal with a H who is working daily with the OW. I too am in the same situation. It has been 5 months since he told me about the A and it is still a dread every monday morning to kiss him good-bye for work and then imagine him with her at work. We have been married 30 years come monday. He is too young for retirement and too old to start over in a new career. I packed his bags just a couple weeks ago and told him to make up his mind-Me or his job. He did say he is giving his 2-week notice on Nov 1st so we'll see. He said he fell in love with her and out of love with me. The A lasted 8 months. I know as long as they work together he will probably never totally get unattached emotionally. We no longer can attend anything at work socially related. (christman parties, picnics, parties etc.ets.) knowing she will be there and as much as I hate her now, I know I could create quite a "scene". Not sure how it will all work out, just hoping he will stick to his word and quit or I really am afraid we will never be able to 100% re-connect. Luckily, I work and our house is paid off so we can make it on 1 income if we have to until he finds something else to do. (28 years on his job)
This has actually been a great week as he had knee surgery on monday so has been laid up all week on crutches (he can't go to work). Sounds bad to say that, but we can actuallly emotionally connect real good all week with him at home and away from the OW. I would wait on him hand & foot everyday if it would keep him away from work and the OW.........Good luck. Hopefully your H will begin to look for work elsewhere so you can start getting back 100% emotionally. The worse-case scenerio is when they are co-workers and emtionally involved and not able to disconnect 100%.

Hi Carolyn- I am also a stay at home mom who was shocked to find out my H of 15 yrs was having an intense EA/PA with a single co-worker. Yes I did cry alot and beg him to not talk about divorce after d-day. I also was naiive to think that their contact wouldnt continue on after d-day. In our case OW took a job transfer to another state to force H to "choose' between us since she said she was 'sick and tired of him coming home to me and our 3 kids." OW was extremely manipulative and conniving and no young thing either! Even after she moved she H and I were having so much problems that I asked him to move out to think and she offered to let him live in her condo that was up for sale and she came back on the wkends to fool around with him. This went on for about 6 wks. He finally filed for D on me at the insistence of OW and that's when he finally 'woke up' to what he would be losing. Right up till then they both claimed they were 'soulmates' and I was holding them back!!! Anyway, H and I have been in joint counseling ever since. I am now starting individual counseling to work on my battered self-esteem and lack of respect for myself. I need to learn to set firmer boundaries of what I will put up with in the future. H and I are very involved in our church now and he is working on being less cold and verbally patronizing with me. I now trust no one after this. I used to be a very trusting person. That is hard for me to deal with.If OW hadn't moved away I think that our marriage wouldnt have been able to recover without H leaving his job. I hope you and your H will be able to begin to repair the damage from his A. I can't beleive some days how hard it is and how many scars it has left. Take care- lifeismessy

I SO APPRECIATE THE RESPONSES. H TRYING VERY HARD TO REASSURE ME I KNOW I FEEL BETTER TODAY THAN I HAVE FOR A LONG WHILE. STILL HAVE JITTERY STOMACH ABOUT HIM BEING AT WORK WITH HER. I AM STARTING TO FEEL THAT ALL THE LIES ARE ON THE TABLE SO SUCH A DIFFERENCE IN HIS ACTIONS AND THE WAY HE RESPONDS TO ME. LIKE THE H I FEEL IN LOVE WITH AND M. I HAVED REALIZED THAT THIS IS ALL JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME. I THINK WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON ALL THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT OUR H. AND I GUESS THE MAIN ONE H IS STILL HERE AND GIVING MORE THAN HE EVER DID BEFORE. IN THE FUTURE I WILL BE MORE AWARE OF WHATS GOING ON AROUND ME. AND MADE THE VOW THAT IF HE STRAYS AGAIN IT WANT BE BECAUSE HE WASN'T BEING APPRECIATED AND TAKEN CARE OF IN EVERY WAY. I WILL NOT HAVE TO CARRY ANY OF THE GUILT THAT I DO THIS TIME. I CAN'T CHANGE THE MISTAKES I MADE THEN ANY MORE THAN HE CAN I'VE CHANGED SO MUCH I ACTUALLY LIKE SOME OF THIS ME NOT SO MUCH ANGER NOW IF WE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET RID OF THE HURT. WE'LL MAKE IT.

Here are some excellent Q&A articles on this site to read by Dr. Harley, plus an excerpt from the second link. I have to agree with Dawnie-Marie that your H needs to get the heck away from that xOW--permanently. Hang in there! You are NOT stupid... obviously!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

"In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html