Hello, I have been reading this web site for 5 months now. I am living out of country with no family around for support. I feel very burdened with my discovery of 5 months ago and need to share my story and get your feedback please. My husband and I have been married for 22 yrs. He is 44 and I am 43. We have two wonderful children ages 20 and 17. We were high school sweethearts. I discovered back in April 2002 that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker who worked out of state. They met at new hire training November 2000. Was emotional at first and then became physical February 2001. He managed to see her on at least 10 occassions with the excuse that he was on a business trip and yet he was really spending a couple days each time with her. Her divorce was not even finalized when she began the affair with my husband. She was also 15 years younger. My husband was extremely remorseful, apologetic and begged for a second chance. After both reading Dr Harley's recommended books, my husband came clean and told me that he had another affair with a co-worker 10 years earlier for three sexual encounters and has had 4 encounters with prostitutes. My husband has sworn his fidelity to me and says that he will cherish me for the rest of his life. That he will never again hurt me or our children again and wants to spend the rest of his life with only me. He loves me more now than ever. My ambivalence is overwhelming. Some days I am ok, other days I am so sad. I know he is remorseful and I so badly want to forgive, but what do you honestly think are our chances. Communication was a problem in the past and I take some responsibility for that. I look at him so differently now and still can't believe what he has done. We try each day to be natural and relaxed around each other, but it feels so fake. It also doesn't help that there are constant reminders of infidelity on TV and newspaper articles. You can't escape it for one minute. He goes out of his way to make me feel special and sometimes it feels like too much too soon. I know I need to forget about trying to rationalize the whys but it is such a life altering experience. You really lose yourself when something like this happens. I am sorry for going on. I still think too much about all of the different encounters he has had and wonder will we ever be a real couple again. Thanks for allowing me the oppotunity to share.

Hi, winniemac. Sorry you found yourself here with the rest of us, but I hope you receive the support you need.

I know about the ambivalence. Like you and your husband, we were high school sweethearts. She's the only woman I've ever loved - there isn't even a close second. But, like you, I find myself having to deal with a situation that is almost unspeakable. And the thing I regret most about it all is that my feelings for my wife have changed.

Before her affair, I absolutely adored her. Everything I did was for her and the kids. I treated her like a queen (her words) because I loved her with all my heart. Literally. Now I have days when I feel nothing - like I'm emotionally comatose. I know I still love her, am still in love with her, but it's different and I don't like it. I suppose it's because I always thought our feelings for each other were on the same level, but I was obviously and painfully mistaken.

My wife and I are doing well in recovery, she tells me she loves me and knows how poor her choices were, but I don't know that we'll ever again feel the same spark we used to for so many years. Things are different now, and they always will be. So tragic.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. I still believe God joined us together for a reason, and I'm going to trust that restoration of our marriage will happen in due time, and, with that, perhaps a re-discovery of that spark. I really miss it.

Your husband is trying, probably more than my wife is. That's a good thing and allows for you to have hope in the rebuilding process. So, I guess if I can offer any advice, it would be to keep faking the feelings until they come back in earnest. That's what I'm trying to do.

Hope your OK days start to occur way more often than your sad ones. Take care.

Dear Shattered in SF,

Thank you very much for replying. It really helps to hear from someone whose story of pain and attempts to recover are similar. The dynamics of my marriage has changed forever, but I hope that my husband and I can learn to love and respect and live out the rest of our days as happily as possible. I sincerely hope the same for you and your spouse. Good Luck & Take care