H told me this am that he has found a place and will probably be gone by Nov 1st!

Its funny, I thought I was doing so well, but faced with him actually leaving and not wanting to work on M leaf me reeling in sadness! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He has no idea what it will be like to be a weekend parent, and I'm feeling like I am being left to pick up the slack. I was a weekend parent to my oldest D for 15 years and well know the pain and sorrow of not being there for special things that happen during daily life. THe legacy that I left my oldest has not been what I wanted for her, she married at 20 and divorced 18 months later, she is now living with someone who will not give her the love she deserves and I see pain in her future again! How they follow our footsteps!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Wouldn't it be great if we left them a legacy of faith and the knowledge that even when things seem so bleek in marriage that there is light at the end if you seek it out and be willing to let God help you to that end!

I tried to impart to H the benefit of my experience about what it is like, and the indelible changes and marks it leaves on the children! I hope that I can deal with everything with grace and wisdom!

I am having trouble keeping my mouth shut and not educating H! Acutally I didn't this morning and spouted off all my learned wisdom, but of course there was no one listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That did not help my Plan A at all did it???

What can I do now, I am afraid of what is ahead. Can I be the parent my children are going to need so much now and in the weeks coming up?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Shelita

So sorry to hear that H is moving out. The only thing you can do now is to have faith in yourself and to take each day as it comes. You cannot change your H, obviously he feels that this is in "his best interest" the impact that it is going to have on his children is not paramount in his mind and nothing you say at this point will change that. It always amazes me how selfish men can be at times. You and your children will be fine, I am not saying that you won't have your moments of sadness and loss but you and your children will work together to put love and happiness back in your home. Right now your H thinks this is his opportunity to start his life. Believe me there will be many moments when he will reflect on what he has done and what he has given up and hopefully during those times he will realize the loss and this could be exactly what he needs.
Just keep working on your own happiness and taking care of yourself, your children will sense that you are ok and it will ease their feeling of upset. Right now there is nothing that you can say or do that will change your H mind, he needs to find the answers for himself. I do know what your going through and how desperate you feel to hold this marriage together but you can't do it all by yourself. Just pray that he comes to his senses and take care of yourself and your children. Keep yourself really busy and try to feel positive.
I hope that some of my words will bring you comfort.

Thank you SOH,

I am reading your reply and am sitting here crying to myself. I am at my desk at work, had a few things to do this morning and neede to get away by myself for a few minutes.

I was finding myself doing LB's and being less than unconditional in my love. I rally want to be above the anger right now. Hopefully I can get myself together quick;y and carry on as usual around the kids.

Thank you so much for listening to me and providing support. Sometimes I just have to let it out somewhere!

Thank you SOH!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Shelita <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Definately take time to cry, there is no easy way to deal with this. No one can wave the magic wand and make your H feel what your feeling and no one can give you the answers to make the pain go away. All of this just takes time. I know from experience some days I would wake up and think who needs him and I would feel totally empowered and the next day I would wake up and feel that I was laying face down on the floor and at the absolute point of desperation. My gut feeling would be to call and beg him to stay with me and the girls, but I knew that he would be put on the defensive and would argue every point that I was trying to make and ultimately I would be the one sitting in the chair in my bedroom sobbing and my daughters would feel the pain as well. So you see, it's really all about you and your children, they will get through this because "YOU" will get through it. I will be thinking and praying for you. And just know that there are others who have experienced your pain, so your not alone in this. I'm here for you.

Hey SOH aNd everyone else
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I had a very interesting weekend!!

I had felt so encouraged by your words and decided to continue Plan A and work to be the best rock I could for my children. H had been looking for a place and found one he liked!Kids continued to be a handfull and I went to the book store to look for material on how to handle. Found a book by Judith Wallerstien (I think) about Legacy of Divorce on children. IT covered a study done over many years with 60 families in California from the early 70's to current.

No fairy tale endings for children in this book, but really was an eye opener of what to expect! Asked H to read and he had read about 1/2 by the last night. I read another book by same author similar in text called Surving The Breakup.

Well, H is thinking that he should stay and see if we can make a go of MC, at least try for the sake of the lives of our children! I feel like the person that I know (the one I married) is peaking out and maybe, just maybe, we can begin to find our light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it will be extremely hard work, but the possible rewards at the end will make the journey worthwile!! IF not, we will be better parents and stronger for that!

H returns again on Wednesday, (took book with him to finish) and said we will sit with the children and tell them that he is staying and we will work together with MC. I hope he will not change again by then!! Pray for us that this does not happen!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Happy today!

Shelita

Hello Shelita: I have been thinking about you and your children all weekend and just praying that something good was going to happen. I am so happy that your H has decided to try and work on this and that he is open to reading and understanding. A couple of other great books are Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phillip MCGraw and The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. I found both of these books to be very helpful and I actually got my husband to participate in some of the questionares. Try and be patient, I know that you will be tested and often they start to vasilate and become wishwashie but just let it go and be the stronger and better person. I feel confident that you will succeed and all of you will benefit from this success. I truly believe all great marriages are often put to a test and I do believe that the poem "Love Is" really sums it up, if I can find the poem I will send it to you. Be happy, strong, confident and have faith, believe in yourself and it will all work out. Please let me know how your doing, I truly am happy for you today.

It's good day today!!

H got back from trip yesterday - and he has not changed his mind about MC.

He told the kids at dinner that he was staying and we were going to work with a MC to see if we can make our marriage better and keep the family intact!

I feel very hopeful, but as he was quick to point out - "there are no guarantees!" I already know that, but wish he was more optomistic.

At least we have a fighting chance, which is more that we had last Friday when he had found a place to live!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Happy Shelita <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's not a happy ending yet, but it's a positive start.

Keep on with plan A and try to meet his needs. Be nice even when he's not. Oh, I hope this works for you both. Be sure and tell him thank you for wanting to work on it.

I am soooo happy to see progress, soooo happy.

SS