I met my wife when she was only 17 and I was 24. She became pregnant whe she turned 18, and we both wanted to get married, so we did. We have been married for 10 years now and have two children, a boy 9 and a girl 7. I work very hard at an oil refinery and my job tends to make me want to vedge out when I get home from work. I did not pay enough attention to my wife, though she always seemed to keey me at arms legnth. We had an agreement that if either of us felt that we may have an affair, that we would discuss the matter prior to doing anything serious with the other person. I found out a few days ago that I have genital herpes and my wife has admitted to me that she had a brief affair, which also consisted of one episode of unprotected sex, with someone that she met in a local park. She is on the pill, so she is not pregnant, but I had to take an HIV test for my own sanity. This guy sweet talked her and acted as though he cared until she gave in and had sex with him. Now we are both infected with herpes. I know that I should have paid more attention to her, but I do not know if I can stay committed to this marriage. She keeps saying that we should live together awhile to see if things will work out for our children's sake. My parents went through a divorce when I was about 6, so I am hesistant to simply get a divorce. I doubt that she will have another affair, especially since she has herpes now, but I feel as though she stuck a knife into my soul. I go through phases of wanted to stay involved with her and then my mood swings to wanting to throw her out to let her see how hard it would be for her to support herself. I have been trying, without any luck, to find the guy who infected my wife, as he had to know that he had herpes. I really want to hurt him badly, but I just can't seem to find him. I am leaning towards going to marriage counseling with my wife to see if there is anything worth salavaging. We love eachother, but how can someone do this to someone that they supposedly love? She said that she was irresponsible and I told her that failing to pay a ticket is irresponsible and that what she did was just insane. Getting herpes is bad enough, what if we had been infected with HIV? What should I do???

M, I am so sorry this happened to you.

You have an even more difficult road to recovery than most BS (betrayed spouses) who find out about the A(ffair).

Get some counselling for both of you. There is something seriously wrong with your wife for opting to have sex with a total stranger (for those of us that chose someone we know, that in itself is its own insanity but your wife made a frightening choice as you both know).

You love her and you want to avoid divorce. There are a lot of feelings going through your mind right now that are quite normal reactions. I am a former wayward spouse (FWS) so it might help you more to hear from other BS--they can identify with your pain and share what helped them to get through it.

I think counselling will be key for the recovery of your M and accepting the condition of herpes.

Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your wife and that she will seek the professional help she must require at this time.

I agree. It seems that because you are posting here and because you are having doubts, that you want to stay married and should at least get counselling (probably with the Harleys would be best.)

If you divorce your wife now, you may have regrets later. Again, at least see if the marriage can be salvaged (with the help of a marriage coach.)

It sounds like you would like to stay married if (both of) you had trust again and love again and felt this would never happen again. You could have a better marriage than you had.