My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 15, we have three children, 13, 10 & 8.

I had an affair that started about 9 months ago, and ended in May. I told my wife about the A in March. We separated at the beginning of April. We started counseling but I continued to see the OW. In May, W got a call from OW's Husband (they separated before I got involved) and told her that the affair was still going on in full force.
W confronted me and I ended the A, not willing to give up what I had. W, however, decided the marriage was not worth saving and was ready to go to mediation. W said she could never get over the A.

I pushed to save the marriage, but have been fighting a one-sided battle. She would not even give me any hope that we would ever get back together. I've been hanging in there like a doormat ever since.

Last week I found out that W is now having an affair with someone, and surprisingly...he's married. She is now the OW, and involved in exactly what she wouldn't forgive me for doing. She does not know that I know.....which brings me to today.

She had asked me to back off and give her space. I did, in the hopes that she'd rethink things, but I never expected this. Unfortunately I found out by doing some digging on the computer when I picked up the kids one day, so I don't want to tell her how I found out. But she needs to know that the "cat is out of the bag", and I think that its important that she knows I know who it is and his circumstance.

If I confront her, she may say our marriage was over anyway, and it's her business. But since she could have just filed before, or really pushed for mediation but didn't, I think she realizes that she has a lot to lose. Right now by sitting on the sidelines, I'm a perfect safety net.

Any Ideas????
Thanks in advance!!

Well to tell you the truth it may be nothing more than a revenge affair to retaliate against you.

I sort of don't blame her for not giving you another chance if she took you back, you went to counseling and you continued to lie to her and see the other woman. Not judging you but I can just see how she would feel this way.

I'm a WS and if I ever did anything again, I would be G O N E but I would never think of ever betraying my H again. When I sent the NC letter, H went with me, I never looked back and only looked forward to a life with my H and recovery.

Sorry to hear this about you. I don't in ANY way advocate what your W has chosen to do but I do think its nothing more than her getting back at you, which is sad because it won't hurt you as much as it will hurt her in the long run.

Best wishes
Zoey

Thanks for responding!

Your probably right about why she is doing what she is doing. And having been there so recently, I can empathize with her and how she is feeling. She is feeling she found her "soulmate", as did I.

However, I don't know whether to confront her or not. I'm afraid that the A won't even begin to end until it is out in the open, and some complication is added to it.

Yes I would go tell her

You are trying to save your marriage right?

Well each day she is with him, is a day she gets deeper into a fantasy that can cause more damage as the days go by. Please talk to her about it.

I wish you well. Please do what YOU feel is best since only you know your wife. Do not put yourself in harms way or her.

Ask her to meet you for just a talk. Thats it and tell her you know.

Maybe it will be a relief that you tell her so she can stop. Make sense?

Maybe you could feel your way around. Without revealing that you know, ask her if she's seeing someone else. You could say, you've been so distant, it reminds me of the way I disconnected from you during my A.... are you involved with someone?
You could try backing off and seeing what happens...

MAKinnet, I hope I am not being a Pollyanna here but you did leave OW after awhile. I agree with the revenge A theory being most likely.

I don't know how you should confront your W but I agree that you should talk to her about it.

Hope it all works out. There are people here who have been through just what you are going through. Hope some of them catch this thread and respond with wisdom to help you.

Just a thought--perhaps telling W you feel a return to MC would benefit you both might help her to confess and let her know of your concern that you move toward total recovery.

Hi, it sounds like my situation. Last year in August I had an affair. My husband found out and I talked to the other guy a couple times after he found out. The last being in February of this year, which my husband had the phone tapped. I have not talked to him since. He works for the same company that I do, but he live somewhere else. Now this past summer my husband has been having an affair, and the girl was married and is divorcing her husband for mine. My husband says it is all my fault. But I thought we were working things out, but he met this other girl. He says its over, but her husband called me the other day and said it is still going on. I am so confused I don't know what he wants. I know I want my husband no matter what. I am willing to forgive him, there is nothing I want more than for our marriage to work out. We have 3 children who are hurting from me and now this. Plus he is an alcoholic and for 6 1/2 years he did not drink until my affair. So now I am dealing with his drinking and his affair. I am truely sorry for what I did and I regret it. For the rest of my life.

MAKinnet and goldielocks109.

You must understand that what is called 'revenge A' is actually a misnomer, a better term would be 'wounded heart A' because revenge has nothing to do with it, and because the BS is so devastated and her/his self esteem is so shattered, that the BS becomes very vulnerable to another person coming into their lives and offering them what has not been offered by the WS in a long time. I know this does not make your experiences any less hurtful but at least you know that the motivation is not to directly hurt you but to have somebody acknowledge your BS's that they are worthy of love.

Please create a safe environment for your spouses to be able to be honest with you about their feelings. You can do this by avoiding love busters, and being there for them when they need you to listen. Also get some counseling with professionals that are Harley methodology oriented.

Good luck and God bless.

I agree with TMCM, discovering an affair can deeply affect the self-worth of the betrayed party.

MAKinnet, from your post I sense an insecurity about the future and your ability to control the situation right now, esp. your ability to affect the outcome of your wife's current affair.

By realizing that your wife isn't trying to hurt you, rather that she is trying to heal herself; you gain much insight into solving this dilema.

First of all, have you asked yourself if you are in Plan A or B? This would be my first decision concerning this new info, if I were you.

Secondly, any judgements that you make about her behavior, esp. that you two are now "the same" will surely be met with opposition. She probably is in no way ready to admit that what she is doing wrong, or doing anything remotely like YOUR A.
-bbs

Well, I just thought that I'd give an update.

Approached W last Friday and told her that I knew what she was doing and with whom. She wanted to know where I got my info, and I said it doesn't matter, the point is that I know. She said it isn't what I thought, and that he is separated. She said that she's been telling me for some time that she want's a D, but I just wasn't listening. I asked why then didn't she just file, and she said that she wanted it to be mutual. Basically she told me tha I don't know what I am talking about. I responded, that she knows in her heart exactly what is true.

I made an appointment for mediation today. I told W, that if she thought that I was going to give her time and space so that she could do this, and still keep me as a doormat and safety net, she was sadly mistaken.

I've been working hard for 4 months, and D and/or Mediation is not what I want, but....I'm at the end of my rope. This may not have been good for us, but since I don't have any control over that, I had to do it for me. Funny thing is that the pit in my stomache disappeared. I still don't like the course things are taking, but I can handle it a little better now.

MAK, just sending some heartfelt wishes for comfort your way. So sorry things are taking this course. Good for you for confronting her. I hope she will come to her senses and choose you. For now, do what you can to take care of yourself in positive ways. Remember that you are still a very special person in your own right. Hang in there.