Hi there I am new to this board and I hope that I am welcome as I am TOW. My situation is that my (?) MM's wife found out and he skirted over the facts of the affair, then he promised to end it but didnt. It has been another year and she is going crazy with wondering about the irregularities in his stories etc, I try to put myself in her shoes and think about weather or not I would want to know. Thanks for any input.

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: mosana ]</small>

Yes she wants the truth. Affairs are the ultimate betrayal one spouse can do to another. Lying to the BS, only componds the pain of the affiar. It is an insult to the BS, it shows disrespect to the BS.

Here is a question to you. How long will you stay with a married man. He is not available. Most spouses do not leave. It is the OP that gets left behind crying. Who can you go to for support. Not your friends, they probably don't approve, and would say, you asked for it. Your family? Most peopled don't admit to dating a married person. Relationships that cannot be in the open are not a real relationship. You are disrespecting youself by staying in a R that is going nowhere.

There have been other OW here. Just a warning. My reply will probably be the kindest you will get. Most BS, will jump all over you.

I myself, will not. I don't have hatred for the OP's of the world. I would like to see the OP's get on with their own lives, find an available person that they can have a healthy R with. One more thing. I believe in the saying "what goes around, comes around". I have been around long enough to see that happend. Noone escapes unharmed.

I have been sitting here trying to think of a nice way to answer your question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What do you want from us? Did you think that maybe we would tell you that what you are doing is ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> You know that what you are doing is wrong, having a R with someone who is married is wrong. Your MM doesn't really care about you, the only person he cares about is himself. If he cared about anyone he would never hurt his wife by having an A. You already know what to do, stop seeing him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>Hi there I am new to this board and I hope that I am welcome as I am TOW..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you are welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep in mind that you probably won't get much sympathy but, most here are willing to listen to your concerns and explain many of the realities of being involved with a MM. No one here will condone your relationship with a MM but, hopefully, we can help you understand why you are involved and why we feel it's wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
My situation is that my (?) MM's wife found out and he skirted over the facts of the affair, then he promised to end it but didnt.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me ask you this...if he willing to lie and decieve his W, what makes you think he's being honest with you? As well, when you say he is your MM, guess what? Yes, he has committed himself to a woman, his wife and not to you. Why would you want a man that can't keep a promise or committment? I sincerely wonder where your self-respect and pride are at this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
It has been another year and she is going crazy with wondering about the irregularities in his stories etc,.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a feeling she already knows and is frustrated by her H's constant lying. She knows. The inconsistencies are there...she will or already has put the puzzle together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>

I try to put myself in her shoes and think about weather or not I would want to know. Thanks for any input.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's be realistic. Just as I have no idea how it feels to be the OW, I suspect you have no idea how it feels to be the BS. If it is you, who are thinking of telling her that the A is continuing ask your self, why? Do you believe that'll she'll 'kick him out' so he'll be yours? Do you think that by telling her that you'll have some sense of control over the situation? Do you wish to hurt your rival? Do you knowingly want to take the chance that your reputation and credibility will be destroyed if she 'fights back'?

Yes, as a BS, I'd want to know; at the very least to protect my health and get checked for STD's.

I'll leave you with this...a true 'soulmate' wouldn't leave you on the sidelines so he could have his cake and eat it too. With a true 'soulmate' you would walk by his side out in the open and he wouldn't expect you to sacrifice your self-respect.

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Mosana, Im supposing you have never been a BS...... As a BS myself I could never do to someone what has been done to me,,,,,,, Do you think of yourself as a good person, one who has respect for yourself?????? Then being the OW could change that,,,, Let me tell you a story about what it feels like to be the BS.................... When you first find out, your mind goes numb,,, your whole world has been a lie, you always knew it could happen but at the same time 'blind trust' made you know that he would NEVER do that to you,,, Then you find out that he has..... Your world shatters, you cant eat, you cant sleep, you feel betrayed, worthless, meaningless, unworthy, you try to figure out what you did wrong to make H stray, you cant concentrate on anything at all, you withdraw from your family and friends because when they look at you, you feel like they just know your not worth anything, you feel second best, you wake up thinking about your H w/the OW, and you fall asleep thinking about it,,,, You see couples holding hands and you want to know 'why not me, why cant we be like that' you feel out of control, helpless, depressed, anxiety takes control of you,,,, you look at the one person in your life that you trusted w/everything and realize you couldnt trust him at all, the 1 person who should be protecting you is the one that is hurting you,,,,,,,, your ashamed that you couldnt keep your marriage together,,,, crying is uncontrollable,,,,, in other words every single thing you believed in, is totally turned upside down,,,, If you think of yourself as a good respectable caring person, please find someone single to love you the way you can love them,,,,, No one deserves to be the hurt BS and I'm sure you dont deserve the hurt when he decides to stay with his W and you are left knowing what you did to her.... I mean no disrespect, and I hope the best for you,,,,, you deserve someone better than a man who can lie to his own wife,,, what makes you think he wouldnt lie to you.......... S&I

I agree with you totally. I cried with you when I read this. This fits my situation to the max. Thanks for putting into words exactly how I feel about the OW. I do not believe I have suffered a more in my life then I do with the revelation that my husband of 23 yrs is leaving me and my children (16 & 19) to be with the this person who hes says is not like me at all but someone I would like if I knew her.

Yes, she'll want to know. If he won't tell her, then you do it. Then give them a chance to work on their M - that's if she will still want to.

H&S

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</small>

Scared&Insecure, Thank you so much, you put down in words what every BS feels when they learn of their WS Affair. I cryed when I read what you wrote, I have been very lucky in that my FWH and I are in a great recovery but the pain is something I will never forget. My prayers are with you and every BS that one day the pain is gone forever.

Mosana: I understand,in a way, how being involved emotionally and physically with someone can make your life seem better. It's only natural. Life can get boring sometimes and there is nothing better than to have another person tell you how much they like you, are attracted to you, et al.

Sometimes, any one of us can be so desperate for attention that it doesn't really matter who or where that person who makes you feel so good comes from.

Married people get desparate to have attention because they are not getting the attention they need on the homefront. Most married people who stray are so desparate to get any spark going just to make them feel alive again, even if it is for just a few minutes/hours.

Once that spark is ignited, it can last a lifetime or only a few hours...

It's clear to me that the only reason married people have affairs is that they are bored and need some excitement in their lives AND are so desparate to get that immediate satisfaction, they basically sell their souls for the fleeting moments of ecstasy or filling the huge void that when it comes down to it, they HAVE to blame their spouse for pushing them into their decision to stray.

As time goes by, as with all human emotional situations, they still have to face themselves. If they believe the OM/OW is better for them at the present time, usually they will continue the A until their inner voice speaks up and says get out of the M or get out of the A and start working on what they need from a partner.

Until they get what they need from THEMSELVES first, they will always be skipping from one needy person to the other to fill their void.

I have been divorced for over a year after I finally woke up and saw the writing on the wall with my Ex husband who had been lying to me and my Ex girlfriend who lied to me also.

I have no desire to be in a relationship now until I take care of my own inner workings. There is obviously something wrong with me that was/is so trusting of others and until I get a handle on reality and facing that people can be very deceptive on the surface, I will never, ever want to enter into another relationship.

It's a very strange world out there. And if it's one thing I learned, at least I can count on myself to be strong.

To those who betray so convincingly, or those who are betraying now thinking they will never be caught so what's the harm? I would say, what if you are caught when you least suspect it? Do you have a backup plan to double-deceive the one you already deceived? If so, you are scum. There is nothing worse than trying to be forgiven when you know in your heart, you are deceiving again.

And what goes around, eventually comes around. That what you sow, so shall you reap.

Thank you for the replies,,,,my initial reaction to some of them are that you guys are so angry at the affairs that you cant even think rationally about why they came about, I also wonder about this fog you talk about. If the MM loves his wife that is the truth but if he says he loves the OW then he's in a fog,I dont get it. After thinking about it and re-reading the replies you had some very articlulate insights into the "other side" and I agree with some of the statements about" If he can so easily lie to the wife what does that tell you" and " The person who is supposed to love you is the one who is hurting you" I wonder as well what my motives are to have his wife find out,,,I think so that one way or another a decision is made, the MM's seem to have no balls. I think that the truth should come out and she should decide on the facts if she can work on thier marriage, not on what he is telling her. At one point I wanted this man more then anything in the world but his actions has taking a toll. Thank you again.

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: mosana ]</small>

Mosana -
I can only add as a BS, that yes we are very angry at the affair. And why should we not be? Our lives have been reversed & pain too great to bear has been introduced into our lives. OW#2 was very much like you - she wanted me to know that she was having an affair with my H. She sought me out to tell me what went on. Now - later she got a little Glen Close Fatal Attraction on us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but it takes a lot of guts to call up the W & tell her.

So - if that is something you decide to do, please don't expect the W to be kind to you. She may call you some ugly names and hang up on you. I agree with everyone else, you deserve a single man who will love you much more than MM can ever do. One thing you have to know about marriages is that no matter how many times you see affairs happen, there is still a bond between these two people you could never break. I wonder if OW#2 told me only because she thought I'd hand my H over to her. Even now, I love my H as much as I did the day he proposed to me & the day we said I Do. That type of love is only surpassed by the love you feel for your child. I hope that you'll leave MM & W alone to fix whatever went wrong in their M. And I wish you happiness & love with the person who is seeking you as his soulmate.

Vee

I know you are confused, so I found this for you. It has none of the 'emotional baggage' that you feel we at MB bring. I copied and pasted from Dr. Phil's site! Can't get much more unbiased than this...

"Dating a Married Man

Are you the "other woman?" If you're involved with a married man, and you're waiting for your turn, it's time to re-evaluate your situation.

If you're putting your life on hold for a married man, he's stolen not only your heart — he's stolen your brain!

You may feel that he's your soulmate, but think again. A real soulmate would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it.

Even if your married man decided to leave his wife and family for you, that doesn't guarantee success. Relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.

Break off this relationship today. You'll hurt, you'll feel broken-hearted, but you'll be better off. Eventually, you'll fall in love again — with someone who's willing to make you first in his life."

Hello Mosana,

I to am a BS and I agree with most if not all of what's been said, however, I would like to point out that your relationship with MM is considered sin in the eyes of God. Further more marriage is a covenant relationship, honourable to the Lord...He says that the marriage bed is not to be defiled. In the book of Genesis God says that the two shall become one flesh. God hates divorce as you will see in Malachi 2:16. The judgement of God falls on those who interfere with/attempt to destroy the covenant of marriage...God says what He has joined together, let not man put asunder.

I go before the Lord often so that he can help me not to hate the OW or my WH. Like God I hate the sin, I hate what this has done to me and my family. I hate how much this has hurt not only the BS, the children, family and friend, but even future generations. So many people are adversely affected by WS selfishness in seeking ungodly relationships outside of his holy covenant of marriage.

I can ask you to think about how your behavior is affecting the lives of others, and remind you that there are consequences that one suffers as result of the poor choices that we make, but I will ask you to consider for a moment the fact that not only is this a trespass against the WS (yourself to/you do deserve better), the BS,their family and friends but more importantly you have sinned against God.

There is no rest, no peace, no prospering, no real happiness, no trust and etc., in adulterous relationships (read in the book of Proverbs). God is on the side of those BS who have put their faith in Him for the reconcilliation and full recovery of their marriages and families. Ultimately this is what God wants and believe me the WS and the BS would never marry each other thinking that one of them would have an affair and disrupt or destroy the marriage.

If you are not a godly person then I will appeal to you on the basis of your moral character in doing what you know in your heart is right. I pray that you will never experience the type of pain that a BS and their families experience in Affairs. Although many have done a great job describing the pain caused by affairs, the pain is far greater than could ever be described. It is a worse pain than loosing a loved one to death.

I pray that God will give you the strength to do what is right and that you will seek His will for your life. Don't fall for the lies and deception. Choose to no longer participate in the enemys (Satan's) plan to destroy this marriage or yourself. There is a mighty man of God, a Boaz waiting to find you. (God says in Proverbs "He who finds a wife finds a good thing"). Prepare for your husband! Wait to be found by a good man, who is unattached and available. Demand the respect that you deserve to have. Don't settle for anything beneath your privelege. You are worth more than to settle for something/someone that belongs to someone else (that's theft). Yes, the storms of life do come, but when the strong winds and rain cease, then a calmness follows.

Go with God,

WR

Mosana, I am trying to figure out why you are here at Marriage Builders. Are you going to leave your MM? If so, I am sure you will be welcomed here.

But if you are wanting to tell his wife that you are still in the picture, in the hopes that he will leave the wife for you...or that he will be left alone by both his wife and you...well, you won't get any approval or sympathy from the people around this site.

You know he is married...why are you with him? Trying to cause trouble?? You have no claim to him whatsoever. If you are decent, you'll leave the MM to work things out (for better or worse) with his wife...and you will find yourself an available, single man.

Dear M,

I am the BS, and my H is continuing contact with OW, i feel sick all the time. Expecially since i know in my heart that he continues to lie about everything. Maybe you should tell her, but then again, she probably will not believe you. I am sorry for the mess you find yourself in. Please for your sanity, find someone else. I hope that you are never put in the position of the bs. It is so painful, almost makes you crazy.

By the way. Please tell that MAN, you know he will do it to you if he has done it to her.

GOD BLESS YOU as you try to fix this mess

Hello Mosana.

Do we want to know the truth? Absolutely. Then we can take that information and make decisions that will affect the lives of our entire family. Thats a pretty heavy price for your fun.

she is going crazy with wondering about the irregularities in his stories etc

What a sickening comment. To know that you are doing this to another person and to ponder whether you should pick at her wound.

My situation is that my (?) MM's wife found out and he skirted over the facts of the affair, then he promised to end it but didnt

How nice that he made promises to end the affair and work on his marriage and you couldn't give him the opportunity to do so. If you loved him, you would let him have his life. Adultry is the single most selfish act a spouse can perform. For both of you.

What comes around truly does go around. It's in your karma now.

One last thing....you said that you try to put yourself in her shoes. Please. If you walked one day in her shoes and had any compassion at all you'd get the he!! away from him and let these people have their lives back.

One of my H's other women and I spoke at length. She told me that it takes two to tango. What a bunch of garbage. It only takes one of you to have a little integrity.

Do the right thing.

PasDeDeux

PS - He isn't YOUR MM

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: PasDeDeux ]</small>

I forgot to mention in my previous post, we want to hear the truth from our spouse. We don't want to hear it from the OW.

As others have said, he has not respect for you. If he did, he would not be stringing you along. If a M ends it is because of the BS decision. And that generally does not happend. There are issues, history, children. It is not just a matter of love. Love is a biggy, yes. That is why he is still married. Also, after he has to pay the child support, (assuming there are children). Do you think he can now afford to do things with you? No, he has to pay child support to he xW for the kids. It is different when you have to support two households vs one.

There is a Fog, as they speak. When the WS meets the OP, they act differently towards their family. I saw it in my own H. His own children were in his way of attaining happiness with this person. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if one of your parents did that to you? It is a parents job to put the kids first, and now they take second, third, maybe tenth place to what is going on in that parents life. That is called a FOG. They don't think clearly. They do not behave like themselves. You see, you don't have to deal with the day to day issues with this person. That is why he is with you. It is called ESCAPE. He is trying to ESCAPE from reality, and he is using you to do so. In the end, you will be the one left crying and hurt. Do yourself a huge favor, find a man who is available and can give you all of him and not just the leftovers.

Mosana:

Let me boil this all down as simply as I can:

The biggest fear of many married people is NOT the potential of their spouse to have an affair.

The biggest fear of many married people is to live with someone who is leading a double life of emotional and/or sexual infidelity.

One year spent in such a situation can be more lacerating than losing someone to divorce, death or abandonment.

Do not lie to yourself. My guess is that the W in your story is barely hanging on to her sanity.

This is not a little Sherlock Holmes game of "does she have enough clues or not?"

I can't advise you on what your own next steps should be. That's just what I think the W. is going through.

Vee, MGM, ellyn,

Thank you for your kind replies. I am debating ending the relationship with my MM. I know that he is torn between the both of us and loves us both. Only the selfishness of his personality ends up hurting the two people that he claims to love. I know that he does not sleep with his wife for years she even told me that. I know that you all are hear because of horrible things that have been done to you by your husbands and the OW, I just hope that you have some compassion in your hearts that,
1. Most of us did not go after your husbands we were told lots of stories about the divorce being eminate.
2. We love these men we hurt so much as well and the promises of the MM keep us hanging on.

All of us have skeletons in our closets and instead of being so judgemental to the OW try to see the other side as well you dont have to like it but it would help to really get to the issues that cause these infidelitits which isn't the big mean OW that is stealing your husbands.

Mosana,

I'm fully aware how the WS lies. I was once a OW, not by choice. I found out I was the OW, the day before the W found out. I ended on the spot. He lied to me, told me he was divorced. The truth was, BS, WS and myself all worked for the same company. Different departments. She worked first shift, we worked second shift. I found out about him having a w, because one of her coworkers was friends with one of my coworkers. I was fairly new to the company (large company also), so he probably figured that there is no way I would find out about the wife. My coworker told me about it, I went and scoped things out and lo and behold, what do I see on her desk, a picture of her H, my boyfriend. He got word that I found out and was very p*ssed off. He called me and tried to lie his way out somemore. Now, he was not divorced but separated. I stood my ground and reinforced to him that I "DO NOT DATE MARRIED MEN, SEPARATED OR OTHERWISE". Do you get the picture here. They lie. Your relationship is a lie. They tell you want they want you to hear so you will stay. Then, when they make up their minds, the majority of the time they pick the spouse. If they don't pick the spouse, eventually, you will too be left behind. You know why, you are a reminder of their failure. Their failed marriage, if there is kids involved, a reminder that because of you, they hurt their kids. Guilt will eventually invade their thoughts and they will leave you. They will blame you for their failed M. After all, if you would not have had the A with them,their M, would still be here. (This is the wonderful fog talking. The fog preventst them from taking responsibilty for their own actions.)