Mosana <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What an indecent person you are!!! Have you no respect for yourself?? You should have left him as soon as you discovered he was married. And if it was "meant to be" then he would get a divorce and come to you.

As long as you knowingly continue to see a MM, you deserve no sympathy or forgiveness. If you want to change, and recover, let us know. Otherwise, please go away...go to the OW website, and mingle with your own kind, instead of hurting people here...because nobody here will support your dating a MM.

First, as I stated before you are welcome here. The reception you get won't always be good, as you have found out. You don't have to agree with me...I don't expect you to. BUT...you are here looking for our opinions, we aren't at any OW sites looking for yours. Give me one concession. Admit that this situation bothers you and has turned your life upside down. Is that love? Is that destiny? Is that happiness? Maybe to you it is...for most of western society it is not.

You seem like a smart woman who has alot to offer a happy, emotionally mature and available man. Again, I ask you.... Why are you settling for someone who is emotionally unable to be there for you FULL-TIME?? You are naive in the following sense as well. If he lies and breaks promises to his W, then yes, it can happen to you! You aren't immune.

I consider my story to have a happy ending <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and I also feel that both myself and my H have worked hard (and spent thousands in MC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and have insights to share with those willing to learn ( and I don't charge a thing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I don't feel particularly self-righteous, I just think that every M needs some support and a kind word, once in awhile. It's called compassion and empathy. Just because the A ends and there is a reconciliation does not mean working on the M or educating yourself should end.

It is not a criticism when someone tells you to set your sights higher. Do you feel you don't deserve better? If you do, that's sad because you do deserve more...so does his W. This MM is 'having his cake and eating it too'! You already have said you know it's not fair to his W. Is this fair to you?

Honestly, you should treat yourself better.

Mosana,

Here is the nuts and bolts of it. When a couple is married, there is no room for a girlfriend or boyfriend. End of subject. No one has the right to try to break up a marriage. EVER. If a marriage is going to fail, it has to fail because it was not right. Not because someone else got involved. That is wrong. How would you feel, you are married, you both work, you have children. Since you both work, most of the time, the paychecks are deposited into a joint account. That means if the WS is paying for anything in this A, the WS is stealing from the BS. Would the BS agree to the family money being spent on the OP? NOT. The time away from the BS or kids is stolen time. That is time that should be spend with them. Not the OP.

What it boils down to, there is no room in a M for another person unless it is the children. Why do we try to work on our M. We made a committment. We dont' want to hurt our children. Children are DEVASTED when divorce happens. My opinion of OW's who stay, are sinful, shallow, selfish, of low moral values. And they deserve my pity, because as long as they remain in a destructive relationship, they are demoralizing and showing disrepect towards themself.

Are you able to introduce you MM to your family? If so, do they know he is M? What would they think? If you cannot be in the open about your R, then it is wrong. What about your MM family (not counting W and kids). Has he introduced you as his girlfriend to his parents, brothers, sisters, friends? If not, it is because he is ashamed to let anyone know that he is cheating on his wife. He is ashamed of you. If he was proud to be seen with you, you would let everyone know about you. If his family approves, then I would run, not walk to the nearest exit. They are dysfunctional, and they will approve when he does it to you.

Good Heavens, what it takes for me to breakout of my lurking shell and speak up.

I've lurked here for ages and gotten much support in my quest to better my marriage and myself as a person. There are many wonderful caring people here who offer private details of thei home lives to help others and themselves. I have seen a few people with abrasive personalities...to each his own, but I have NEVER seen anyone so shameless, arrogant and judemental as Mosana.

My dear, you are talking to people who are making great progress in their personal lives. Some making desparate attempts to save their families and children from the heartbreak of divorce. Unfortunately some of us may end up there anyway, but we will do so knowing that we tried, and we gave our best efforts and hopefully we won't look back and say what-if.

I don't post here because I feel hypocritical of it. I once broke up two marriages...mine and someone elses with my selfish, pigheadded LOVE (fog) for a married man. I have huge regrets. I owe a few people so much appology. It was long, long ago and I couldn't find the wife if I tried. It died the normal affair death as soon as we were free to eachother. Perhaps one day you will unerstand this regret or maybe you will figure it out before it is too late and be able to let this marriage survive or fail without your intervention. If it is meant to be then when time is right to build a marriage with you your adultry partner, then he will come to you as a single man will find you and you can have the relationship you dream of.

Unfortunately, my second marriage is poisioned by another woman. Do I dispise yer? Yes. Do I blame her? Partially. I had (have) unaddressed problems at home. My husband chose to wander. I give him the bulk of the blame. I have met the OW and she posesses arrogance similar to yours. She feels that she is single and therefore has done nothing wrong. She couldn't be wronger. She has tampered with the legal and moral bond of a marriage. If it wasn't her, maybe it would be someone else. Who knows. She also feels like she gives him marriage advice. "Go home and tell your wife this, Go home and do this". If she wasn't providing him with sex and sympathy he wouldn't be there. It's over now and we are rebuilding.

I have no room to throw stones. I am a reformed homewrecker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I deserved to be on the other side. There God, can we be even now?

Mosana, if you choose to proliferate your affair, please don't torture us with your judgements, belittling criticism of others situations and careless remarks. Take it somewhere else. If you need help in letting go then welcome.

I will pray for you.

RockTart

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: RockTart ]</small>

I forgot...it hasn't been asked. Are there children involved?

RockTart

Have you ever stood on an altar, before God, your family, and all of your friends, and promised to love, honor, cherish, remain FAITHFUL, til death do you part? Your MM has.

Do you understand that this is a serious promise? It's NOT a piece of paper, it's a legal contract!! Nowhere in that contract did he say that there is a stipulation about having sex with another woman if he's unhappy!! Nowhere!

The reason that your affair is wrong is simple. Marriage is different than dating. It is a legal CONTRACT given before friends, family, the state, and God. It is also a moral contract. It's a promise based on trust.

You sound so biased against BS's. How can you be when all they are doing is following through on their promises??? The people that you are so judgemental about are actually people who would watch your back if s**t hit the fan!! The world needs more people to honor their commitments to their word, not less.

Nobody is perfect. Let me repeat: NO ONE IS PERFECT! But saying that the W, or H if that is the case, deserves the DEVASTATION of an affair, is abusive! Why? It's like saying, you made the wrong kind of orange juice, so you deserve a beating! The punishment doesn't fit the crime. Besides, in marriage their should be no punishment. There should be understanding, compassion, care, honesty and respect.

If the other person (BS) isn't capable of returning that (after attempts, etc), the ONLY moral solution is to leave. Not an A. Why? Those are the terms of the contract!!

Some MM say that they stay in order to be around the kids, avoid alimony, basically protect their assets. Again, against the contract.

No one put a gun to anyones head. Your MM agreed to those terms willingly, after a time of courtship to consider to whom he was saying this. To honor that he needs to leave or work on the marriage. Why? A's were not in his contract!! That simple.

IF, by chance, your MM told his W that he wanted an open M, and she agreed, then it would not be against the contract. See?

In addition, there is no MORAL justification for cheating either. There is waiting for a D. There is saying " I can't help who I fall in love with, BUT I CAN HELP WHO I SLEEP WITH," there is finding someone else.

OW are just that, women, people and human. Humans make mistakes, daily. But there is no excuse or justification for an A. An A is about 100,000 WILFULL acts. This goes beyond a mistake.

However, even willful acts can be FORGIVEN. Forgiveness does not mean that someone condones the behavior, simply that it is forgiven.

In fact, my very own best friend is having an A right this minute. I love her dearly. If you were my friend, I would still love you too.

However, I will never condone your actions because they are a breech of contract between two vulnerable hearts. Hearts get broken and stay that way. It takes years to mend, but the break will always show.

Imagine if your MM's wife was doing this to him? Hurting your MM with an A behind his back? Wouldn't it break your heart to see him hurt like that? This hurt is being inflicted on her as long as the A continues.

To breech the Marriage Contract is unbearable pain that lasts for years, even if WS stays, it still aches daily.

My bf's man is a compulsive cheater. I can see it, she cannot. He's had about 2-3 affairs, but I consider him compulsive because he cannot tolerate a relationship that is commited for more than 5-6 years. He ALWAYS leaves with an A.

The reason that I have the benefit of this pattern is his age, past 50. Over the years this pattern has emerged. I suspect that due to your MM's age, you do not have the benefit of a pattern, yet.

I've tried to tell her that she is hurting everyone, esp. herself, but she believes that he is her soulmate, that the W is an evil person, and she justifies the behavior.

She doesn't care about the promises in her marriage contract. In fact, she can't see much of anything besides how GOOD IT FEELS!! That is why we refer to this as the fog. Wisdom cannot reach her, probably won't until it's too late.

I think that you are being naive. How do you think the people on this site came to these views and opinions? Experience. Experience with PAIN causes naivitee to crash and burn.

Most people here are telling you, from experience, that you are in the line of fire. This will cause pain, to someone. You're right, maybe not to you. But is that your ONLY concern? That YOU personally are not hurt?

My family of origin (Mom and Dad) broke up from A's and I can honestly tell you that after a D with A's the kids lives are destroyed no matter how much child support is there. Why? Depression can lead to abuse. Depression can lead to neglect. Heck, the excitemnt of the A can lead to abuse an neglect.

Before the A my mom and dad were fine, I had the happiest, most fun childhood ever. After, I was beaten, neglected, and verbally abused until I could escape to the military at age 17.

The reality is that you are in a fantasy right now. There is limited responsibility on you MM to perform grown-up behaviors with you. Grown up's have to deal with stress in better ways than sleeping around. Grown up's honor their contracts and their word, OR make new arrangements that hurt people as little as possible.

-blueberryskies

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

Hi Mosana! Did you really think you were going to get a long-term relationship with this dude? So he's cheating on his Mate with you. What is there to keep him from cheating on YOU were he to leave his wife and marry you? Sorry if these sound hard, it's the FANTASY that keeps Affairs going. Could you see yourself being the Mother of his Kids (if he has any)? Picking up after him, bad breath (haha that's me!), etc. etc. You only see the 'best foot forward' side of him. How about where the rubber meets the road - you'll see... fantasies evaporate in the light of reality.
Sure, tell his Wife - then back away from him. Better yet, RUN! I know this is easier said than done - you have feelings for him. I know it's going to hurt. That's the bad of Affairs - so much hurt - and what's worse - it didn't have to be. Both partners in an Affair just use each other - he used you and you used him - both knowing he's a married man.
Please don't make the same mistake twice.
Harold

Monsana, I think he learned his lesson but hoped he also learned that our lack of communication is what caused affair in first place. Since he denies affair he didn't learn that and thats to bad for us. This is this lie between us and always will be, makes me not trust or respect him and feel bad about that, his choice however.She, I think had no illusions that they would be married. I did do some emailing to her not blaming her but thinking he would also read them and get to his conscience but that failed. She after year finally said she "found" all my emails on her computer which she said she never opened in 7 months. Ha. She put 2 & 2 to gether and realized it was the my husband and me as she worked for him in NJ. I used a personal email address and didn't use my real name but she knew who it was anyway. She didn't look at her computer at home for 7 mos, get real ha. Anyway she said she only had business meeting with husband and would never ever have affair with married man etc etc , you know the usual stuff she would say to me because she to denied anything.I caught her smiling and winking at my husband at a party years ago and that bothered me ever since. He denies that also. ha Never mentioned a thing about how long she had seen him, I thought that would be first thing she would tell me but no mention of it. She has a relationship with someone in anyother state but he is Jewish and she isn't so will never get married blah blah. Anyway she said to trust my husband. I wondered how after reading all I typed to her, she or any other woman would trust him after finding a gift etc etc. Said she rememebered me as being very attractive and she couldn't hold a candle to me. Anyway, that was only contact directly and she said she was sorry I had a unhappy marriage and sorry that I had worried about THEM all these years. I don't think he would replace her as I am being a much better wife than in the past. Just wish he would b e honest and tell me he isn't calling etc her as it does scare me that if given chance etc and I was gone he might see her???? Interesting thing was , when I got email and I printed it out, my husband refused to read it. Never would read it and Im sure he already knew what it said , sure she cleared it with him. He just told me that "why would I want to read something from someone I haven't seen in years and don't care about etc etc. Very lame excuse wasn't it? ha I am not one to blame the OW as 20 yrs ago I was one too for a very short time and I was just lonely but its long over with and was perhaps unwise but something I needed at the time. Feel thats same reason he had his affair so can understand reasons which is why I can forgive easier than some wives. Just be happy yourself, but don't count on him leaving the wife for you, make your own life or give him a date to divorce or you'll leave. Bottom line, see how important you really are to him? Scary thought isn't it? I do appreciate your feedback, thanks

Wow Confused Lady,
You have been through alot and it sounds like your hubby dosent want to explain what happened isnt that typical, he probably realizes that he made a mistake and thinks it will just go away...It is a good sign that she is lying about the extent of the affair, not for your sake when you want to know and your husband isnt telling you but because she probably really dosent have any desire for him and it probably didnt mean much to her atall. ....you know if she wanted him she would make sure you knew all the details...You husband didnt read it because then he would have to talk about it....without reading it he can change the subject again and start to talk about anything else then his mistakes...You being a "better wife" that is good but honestly it was probably just as much if not more of him. Just dont think that you have to kiss his bu** to be nice. I hope you are still standing your ground and yelling at him about the wet towels on the floor. The affair was NOT your fault. I am glad that you acknowledge the lack of commuication that leeds to bad marriages ....I was married too and my husband would do anything but pay attention to me. He would not go anywhere with me... I always asked him to work on us ...told him that we were bottoming out and he didnt care. Once it is gone like that you cant get it back....I wish I knew about this site then some of your techniques are great....Good luck and you can email me at mosana@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk you seem like a great person....Mosana

Just a question....when you found out about the affairs that you are dealing with....was your relationship in trouble?....did you know things were bad? or did it blindside you? also how many of you disliked your spouse at the time? I have heard of alot of marriages in really bad shape but the affair is the catalyst to get it back together...Mosana

Mosana: when you found out about the affairs that you are dealing with....was your relationship in trouble?....did you know things were bad? or did it blindside you? also how many of you disliked your spouse at the time? I have heard of alot of marriages in really bad shape but the affair is the catalyst to get it back together...Mosana
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WR: My relationship was in trouble before A. I tried all that I knew to get help, but WS was unwilling to commit to working on himself or us. I worked on me. I exhibited co-dependant behavior (ILS to). WS was/is the only perfect person in our relationship so all of the problems we had in his opinion were my fault. Nothing I did pleased him no matter how hard I tried. WS is a conflict avoider/complainer/doesn't take to kindly to constructive criticism/everything has to be his way/runner (right to AIL's/GIL's/now OP). WS has individual issues that don't really have anything to do with me. My prayer is that WS will allow God to heal him emotionally, physically and spiritually. WS has had lot's of tragedies and has never recovered from any of them.

Although I have said I hate WS, it is really the SIN, the pain, the devastation, seeing the affect of this on 4-year old son and not only is there an A, but more importantly, anger and gambiling.

You probably wonder why I would want to be reconcilled to this man. My answer is: commitment to God, the covenant of marriage, love for WS and family. Outside of the external garbage my husband was/will be again a wonderful person. He needs help and only God can help him when he decides to accept his help.

I pray that you will allow God to help you to.

WR

Most WS are weak, selfish cake eaters. As you said yourself, if the marriage is dead, end it first before starting something with someone else.

The MM you are involved with is the above, as well as a liar. Why do you want him?

BSs usually have a long history with their spouse. They try to work on their M because they honor their marriage vows. There are usually children to consider. In my case, my children would have been devastated if their father had left. Today he is so glad that he didn't. I am glad that I didn't push him to leave.

Yes, problems in the M usually cause the WS to be vulnerable to the OP. But those problems are usually 2sided. If the WS had put their energy into trying to solve those problems in their M, their M would florish and become more fulfilling. In an M, you face alot of problems together and it can take its toll. And of course- there are some Ms that are dead. In which case, the spouse should just leave and divorce. Not sneak around, lying and having an affair.

If this MM does leave his wife for you, and you "win", your problems will only just be starting. Assuming he marries you, you will be a stepmother to his children. Maybe you'll have his kid. All the problems will start- worrying about finances, arguing about the time he spends with his kids from his first marriage, the money he spends on them, the differences in attitudes about child rearing, lifestyle decisions etc. I'm not saying he'll cheat on you- but he'll probably lie to you. Because he is weak and doesn't know how to deal with conflict. He is a practiced liar. Try 10 or 20 years of this and let's see what shape your M is in!

Is this how you want to live your life? Living a lie, loving a liar?

Mosana, I was TOW a long time ago, for an on-again/off-again, 5-year, sometimes long-distance affair. I thought I couldn't live w/o him, but you know what? Turned out I could! At the time I didn't care if his W or kids would be hurt--I wanted SO BADLY for him to leave her and be with me because we were so deeply in love. It was 12 years ago, and I finally ended it because he said he would leave but didn't. (And I'm really grateful that he didn't!) My advice to you is to do the same. If the M is in that bad of shape, he will leave; if he has good reasons to keep the M alive, he won't leave. You have to accept that because it is not your M.
Also, you will never meet anyone else while you're in this A; After the A, I found out I could actually date other guys; I swear you will feel really free once you end this. Yes, you will be really, really upset and you will miss him. (Melissa Etheridge and Whitney Houston helped me get over him but it took a long time.)
You're on this website because you are curious about what he is thinking and what his W is thinking? You would like answers to this relationship, but you already know the answer. If you're like I was, you just don't want to hear it. Yes, I know, the two of you INVENTED romantic love and sex as well (So did he and I!!); you would die if you could never hold him again or look into his eyes. I get it, I really do. But you have to end it; if it's REALLY meant to be, he will leave his W and come back to you.
I don't mean to preach. You honestly will feel better when you're out of this relationship.

Lovebites,
Your too funny!!! That is so true we did invent romance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love hearing about hindsight...Often I ask myself after a relationship " HOw could I not have seen that?"

Mosana,

Back to the original question: Please tell his wife. It's torture to wonder if you're living a lie, and to not know whether your husband is lying or not. It's cruel to the betrayed spouse. The WS will lie even to the point of a spouse's emotional and physical collapse - I read it on these boards often.

If you wish to pretend you are an anonymous "friend" and tell her some details without revealing your name -- he wouldn't know you told, either -- then use www.anonymizer.com (I think that's the Web site) to e-mail her anonymously. Tell her where her husband was really spending his time when he said he was at the ballgame, working late or whatever. Give her enough details so she will know you are telling truth and he can't deny it as a crank letter.

If she already suspects, she is living in a tortured state of marital limbo and this will at least free her from it. Suspicious spouses are unable to love fully with all their hearts out of fear of being hurt -- but at same time are guilty because if their suspicions aren't correct, then the suspicious spouse is wrongly holding back in the marriage.

Some wives who learn about H affair will work on the marriage.

Some will be so overcome with the deceit and all of the lies - unable to look at a vacation photo or child's birthday party picture without knowing he was probably thinking of OW that day and wanted to be with her -- that they will go directly to the "divorce" court.

It's hard for BS to heal, especially if the affair and the denials had gone on for a long time: some affairs go on for years. As they say here all the time, it's not the sex that dooms the marriage, it's the thrills that the straying spouse got from all of the lies and deceit of someone they supposedly were to cherish. It's years of memories tarnished and tainted. If affair went on for years, it makes a BS feel as if life with spouse was a sham.

Spare the wife that cruel humiliation, at least. If he wants to be with you and you are confident of it, then this will allow him to be with you and to stop deceiving her.

If he never planned to be with you, then you'll know sooner rather than later and can find a true and loyal love.

Best of luck, Mosana.

SM

What an interesting post, SM I really never thought of that point of view, about thinking that every occasion or memory was a sham. That is a horrible thought. WS seems to compartmentalize everything two seperate lives doesnt want to hurt anyone. Thinks he is doing good for his children to still be there at bedtime. I told her and I tell him that he should figure out what he wants and do it and not prolong the suffering for both of us. I dont think he gets what this will do to her if she finds out, I think I would want to know and I know you will find this ironic and hypocritical but I do not want to see her hurt she is a lovely person and from everything I can see a devoted wife and an excellent mother. In an other live I would want to be her friend. There marriage died a long time ago and there has been no intimacy or togetherness in a long long time. That is where our relationship came in (wrongly I know) He thought it was dead so did I and as far as I knew she knew too, turns out she wants it to work out for her families sake and he says he cant love her like that anymore. I always tell him that if thats what he decided then fine but tell her so she has her dignity. I will take your words and think about them thanks for the post.Mos

What really makes me so angry at him is that he gets mad at HER for suspecting him. That makes me furious. She knows when his stories are BS and calls him on it and he gets all indignant. I think that it is a distinct possibility that he will end up with no wife and no girlfriend and heaven help him if that happens because she will eventually take him back but the price it will take on the rest of their time together. I know that he would not consent to therepy so their whole marriage would be suspitions and lack of trust. Why dont they just come clean when the s*** hits the fan? I understand the affair I was there... Where I got confused is Post D-day why does the WS continue to lie when its all out in the open? Sorry I am rambling. Tired and spelling horrible. I'm done now.

You asked if when my H began his affair if our marriage was troubled...I'd don't know that I would term it troubled as much as I would term it very stressful. We were dealing with two daughters both having a high risk PG over the course of 14 months. My mom who was in her early 80's had to have emergency quad by-pass that they didn't think she would survive...she fooled us all...did wonderful on the table, but the rehab was pretty much left on my doorstep.

Of course, H worked...so when daughters called and needed support...it was mom that went. When my mom had to go to the 101 doctor visits after her surgery...I was the one who took her. I had to wait on her basically hand and foot for several months...and she was living with us during her recovery as she couldn't live alone.

Was H not the center of attention? YUP! But then, neither was I. We discussed the fact that I was having most of the physical part of dealing with our family on my shoulders...but there was NO one else to do all that needed to be done. He was supportive of my efforts, encouraged me when I was down, was every bit the H I had lived with for the 20 years prior to this.

It was a very rough 20 months before both DDs delievered beautiful, healthy babies and mom got back on her feet.

His affair began within the last two months of this 20 months. It didn't last but 3 1/2 months total before I discovered it. (Actually, we both agree that he "allowed" me to discover it...as I was not suspicious in the least until I read the emails. So yes, I was blinded sided by a very large mack truck.)

We had discussed that we needed some time away, more so for me to de-stress and for both of us to just be together without anyone around. My H planned and surprised me with a 12 day european cruise as a second honeymoon in the middle of June (height of his affair)...I discovered his affair in July 15.

While there were many factors which stressed our marriage...that's life. We all go through these types of things (although maybe not in such a short timeframe). Add on top of this that my H has battled with depression since childhood, has been on meds for most of our married life, but had not had the dosage checked while all this was going on and he has since discovered that his meds were no longer working as they should. He's changed his medication and he says the whole world looks brighter.

My H became suicidal during his affair. He loved the OW, as did I (she was a friend of mine, too)...but he is not the type of man who can successfully betray his own values. Our family was very lucky that we didn't lose him...and I thank God everyday that he is still here for me to love.

WAS our marriage in trouble? Same story, H worked, I also worked and took care of our 2 children, the house, shopping, Bills, landry-everyting. He never lifted a finger to help me. I even made more money than him. He had me running ragged, so guess what? I was dead tired at bedtime and didn't have time to work on my looks. I came last, everyone else came first. I too had elderly parents that needed help. He didn't like that. He needed to be the center of attention-did he ever talk to me? NO. He just went out and started an affair with an attractive coworker. She was single and could go to the gym, hairdresser, etc. Fact of the matter, at her age I was at least 10X better educated, looking, body and attentive to my then fiance. But marriage is about family. Who takes care of the family? He blew it by not helping. Too selfish. I'd like to ask the OW to come over and clean some toilets, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> fold his underware, cook his kids meals so that I could have enough energy to be the sexual dynamo I used to be in our early marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Mosana,

Think about this. Why does he say the M is dead? If it was, he would have left, not started an A. You really don't know what is going on in their M. You only know what he tells you. For all you know, they may have the picture perfect M to their friends.

You need to step out of the picture, if their M is dead, it will die. If thier M is not dead, you need to give it the chance to survive.

Ask yourself this. It sounds like there are children involved. Do you want to be the source of their pain? They will hate you for breaking up their family. They will not see you as a loving stepmom. Do you know how much time children take up? Are you prepared to take a backseat to the children? Are you prepared for him to have less to spend on you because he now has to pay child support?

Find yourself some nice available man who does not have a wife. As the say "Three is a crowd"

No matter how you say it, you cannot justify you being involved with this man.

Why would you want to send an letter informing the W about the A. Is your intent to cause a divorce? Speaking for myself, I don't want to hear about the A from the OW, I want to hear about it from my H. You see, if it came from the OW, to me, she is saying to me, see, I can get your man from you.

As long as he wants to keep your R a secret, he is ashamed of being with you. He really does not want to be with you.

Why don't you ask some WH why they didn't want their W to know about the A. Ask them why they didn't leave their W. You will bet a better understanding of how you are being treated by your MM. Also, most of the time when the A is brought in the open, the WS does not leave the BS. They stay. If they do leave it is because the BS told them to leave.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>