Mosana,
How do you expect bs to react. So sorry you are going through this. I don't know many bs that would understand what you are going through. They just see the pain you are causing the om's wife. If you tell him that if his marriage doesn't work out then call you - you are still letting him fence sit. He will see that you will still be there if it doesn't work. Will he really give his marriage a chance knowing you are waiting?
Some of the things you have said are mean - also some of things said to you are mean. All situations are different. But I really can't imagine anyone deserving the kind of pain I've been through since d day.
TTHO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>Everything that I say as well is a truth but it the manner that it is said that is the question and I am usually more careful of my words not to come off as mean spirited,when the posters in question tick me off it is not about thier "truths" it is about thier judgements. "What kind of person are you" "You are just used for sex" "You are nothing and we are the ones they married" those are the kind of stupid a$$ed comments that I loose my niceness over because they are not true.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it's not true then ignore it. It costs you nothing to ignore it and it does cost you something when you get upset and take the time to react by flaming back. Just ignore it. Trust me, I've been flamed before. So what! It's just someone else's opinion...everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you don't like someone else's opinion, for whatever reason, then ignore it.

Keep in mind, ignoring is not the same as running away from another's point of view. Ask yourself this first, why is it that the other opinion bothers me? Is it true and I don't want to face it? Is this opinion truly assinine or is it the way it was said? Not all individuals have exceptional writing or vocabulary skills. This doesn't mean that their point is stupid or invalid. Or...is this opinion just plain insulting to you? Stop and think before you react.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
Any back to the previous post by MGM you dont know how much I want to be able to do that I stuggle with that everyday and I know that he will continue to fence sit until one of us kicks him off and to tell you the truth I feel weak and like I want someone else to do it. Can you understand that?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I can understand it. To make my position clear, I understand but, I don't sympathize. Let me ask you this...is your response to your situation mature, healthy, good for you? I don't think so, this situation is making you miserable. This situation is making you doubt yourself. I'd be pretty d*nm angry about that if I were you. Hate to tell you this...no one else will do this for you, no one else is going to look out for your best interests. The reason MM won't get off the fence is because he's quite happy where he is. He claims to be miserable but, he's not! He has no reason/motivation to change. You already know that you can't change anyone but yourself. Why are you pushing MM to change for you? He won't!! You seem like a smart woman, so why are you letting this happen to you? I don't understand that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
If he is going to choose his wife I want it over with and I cannot find the courage to do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do have the courage. You just haven't found it yet. I know it's there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Let's be totally honest here, this is one situation you can't control. MM will do whatever he needs to do so he can be happy. What's being missed by both you and MM is the fact that happiness is NOT something someone else can give you. You find happiness and confidence from within and then you share it with those you love. You can search outside yourself forever and never find happiness but, the weird thing is...it was always inside you, just waiting to come out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
Maybe I am co- dependent maybe it is the same reason that I always pick people that are not good for me. I dont know but I am trying to get the courage to do just that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want you to seriously consider something else without getting defensive. You state that you always pick people who are not good for you. This suggests some self esteem issues. Would you seriously consider seeing an IC?? IMHO, you need an objective person to help you sort out some of the 'baggage' you have. Give it some serious thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mosana:
<strong>
I want to say look you need to decide for yourself and if your marriage can work great and if it dosent then phone me. We shall see. Maybe it will take something to happen to get me to that point that I will do something. There is a quote that I heard something like "We remain the same until the pain of remaining the same exceeds the pain of change." That couldn't be more true in my life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look, the fact is, you aren't happy. No one can change that but, you! What's it going to take for you to change? MM not leaving his W? MM using both you and his W? MM not getting off the fence? You being miserable and in pain? You admitting to the enemy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> you are unhappy? How much more pain do you wish to endure?? Haven't you already given enough, sacrificed enough? Fact: anything that causes one prolonged misery and pain is not good for one!! You have the power to do something nice to yourself, for yourself.

You've already started a plan to separate yourself from this man. With a plan and some support you will find the strength to end this chaos. So, what's left? You need a 'detailed' plan on what to do and how to cope!! You already know what you want to say, so, say it! Make it very, very difficult for him to contact you. Get an unlisted number, if you have to. Don't accept his calls at work. Tell a friend or co-worker what you are trying to do. Get yourself some support on this one!! Shred any mail you recieve. Don't even open it! Cut yourself off from him. What needs to be done, and I know this will be difficult, you need to have no contact with him at all. Every time you see him you go back to square one and it makes you feel weak and miserable. I'm willing to bet that if you maintain no contact for an extended period of time it will get easier and you'll start to feel better about yourself. I imagine it will be the first few weeks that will be the toughest. Keep busy so you don't have time to dwell on thoughts of him. Tell friends you are back on the 'market', be willing to go out again and meet new people. Only you can change that, which makes you unhappy.

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Mosana,

I have to agree with much of mgm's last post.

You are stonger than you think. I think we all know the fear of losing someone we love, the fear of being alone...of never finding love again.

Sitting on the fence (which you are doing, as well as the married man) is related to all of those fears.

Let me ask you this: If he died tomorrow, would you go on with your life after you grieved? Would you eventually venture out and make yourself available to love and be loved?

I won't presume to speak for you, but I will wager that you would go on with your life. It's rare that someone actually commits to a life alone due to grief or loss.

By sitting on a fence and allowing others to control your life and reactions to events and situations, you are giving up your life and power to make your own decisions. You are allowing someone else to choose for you.

Being adult and having to make painful choices bites. In almost every other aspect of life, we (as humans) rail against allowing others make decisions and choices for us. Why allow it in this situation? Fear?

As my mom says...what's the very worst that could happen? What's the worst case scenerio?

If you leave and commit to no contact w/ this married man, will you die of a broken heart? Will he kill you? Will you be alone for the rest of your life? Or, will you be in pain for some time and wake up some day to realise the pain is a little less...then a little less until it becomes a memory?

~

Mosana, Do YOU want to know the truth?

can anyone help me with the link to TOW website?i wanna check it out.

I have no words of wisdom for Mosana, she has received good advice here and she knows the only thing left for her is to gather the courage to do the right thing.

HappyW,

www.gloryb.com

(Yes, I've been there...)

my move

Oh this is rich. Had to take a peek at it. OW's over there all upset because they find out that thier MM have other OW's. They are upset and ask what should I do?!! The other OW's say dump hum and run like he!!.

Mosana would be in good company over there.

For some reason I am still surprised that such a thing even exists.

SW

thank you, will look at it.
I think Mosana should move over there, she will get the support that she seems to be looking for over there.

I want to thank all of the Marriage Builders forum members who have contributed to this thread for their level-headedness in dealing with such a painful discussion. After this post, I will lock this thread.

I want also to make a very strong request and suggestion to anyone tempted to go to the gloryb site and post there: Please do not.

Thank you.