I have been raised catholic but I lost my faith about 20 yrs ago. It's funny how when things were falling apart that some tiny part of me still wants to pray. And up until 2 days ago, I never have. I have always felt that doing so would be hypocritical and therefore wrong. But in a point of emotional turmoil, I did it. Without hesitation or guilt I looked up and out loud asked for my wife's heart to open up to me once again. The following day at my brother's wedding the priest spoke of the virtues of a good wife and how being a good wife can actually put flesh on the bones of a husband. Funny since I have lost 43 lbs in the last 2 months. My wife cried in church, cried not for the wedding of my brother, but for the pain she put me through. Why? Was she snapped into the guilt of it all by being surrounded by family. Was it because of the wedding? Was it because I had shed my last tear and told her I was not chasing her anymore? Or did "God" answer my prayers? In the span of 1 day, my wife has done a complete 360. My wife for the last 2 days has been the women I married again. Why now, when I have taken a step back and decided not to chase her. Now I am hesitant and not as appreciative of her efforts. If my prayers were answered by God, why were they answered when I feel like I don't care anymore? Is it normal for me to be just feel anger and indifference when for the last few weeks I have been doing everything in my power to keep us together? She seems like she is here now, but it came right after my feelings for her began to shut down.

Anybody with some insight on this?

Keith

Dear Keith, First let me say I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling. Believe me we all understand what it feels like. I have to tell you that the same thing happened to me, last year after five months of my FWH going back and forth between wanting to work on our marriage and continued contact with the ow I was at the end. I felt that I could no longer live on the rollercoaster he had made my life. I could not eat or sleep, I was down to 95 pounds, I could not function. I finally told him that he had to make a choice, it was either the marriage 100% or he could leave, I told him I was past the point of caring and I wasn't even sure if I loved him anymore. I told him to take the weekend to make up his mind what he wanted to do but to be ready to live with his choice. At the end of the weekend he told me he felt it was best if he left. That he loved me but he was afraid that he would keep hurting me if he stayed. I told him fine, and then asked if he needed help packing. I didn't ask were he was going, nor did I ask him to stay. I also told him that I would not be sitting home crying, waiting for him. That I was going to have a life without him and that I would go on dates if I was asked. I think this was his wake up call because he broke down and begged for one more chance. He told me that he really didn't want to leave and that if I would give him just one more chance he would prove how much he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. He called the next day and made our first MC appt, and also called an IC for himself. He ended all contact with the ow and has worked very hard this past year to prove that I made the right choice by giving him one last chance. I know that I made mistakes before his affair and a lot during the five months after d-day, I tried my best to do a good plan A but I think that he was a fence sitter and I was letting him get away with it. It was when I was ready to give up that he finally got off the fence, I think that happens to a lot of WS. It took me telling him I wasn't going to play his game anymore for him to realize what he had to loss. I hope things contiue to get better for you, sometimes the WS needs to know that the BS is tired and doesn't want to play anymore. This is the kick in the butt some WS need to get off the fence and recommitte to the marriage. I will keep you in my prays, God does answer them, just in his own time and way.
ellyn

Dear KeithP,

I know exactly where you are. Two weeks ago I came to place where I could accept dovorcing my WW. Last night it hit me hard, so hard that I cried before going to bed and when I was in bed. We still sleep in the same house and bed in order to maintain a "normal" appearance for our twp sons. What I realized last night is that I'm in love with a women that never really existed, and if I do divorce my WW then I'm actually divorcing all my hopes of the spouse I thought she was - not who she is.

I also cried when I put each of my boys to sleep last night. Almost ever night a lay down with each of my sons for 5 - 10 minutes, put my arm around them, tell stories, talk, sometimes pray, or fall asleep. I realized that the boys and I will not be able to this very much if a divorce goes through.

I'm really caught between two worlds right now - what is best for me as a person, and what is best for my boys. I've already realized that my WW needs to make her own changes. I can't force her to be something she isn't. I already love the person she isn't and probably will never be. At this point I'm leaning heavily towards divorce. I'm just afraid to take the next step.

So to finally answer your question - Yes it is normal to feel the feelings you are feeling. It is weird how when we lose hope and are ready to give up when a spark of positive change lights up. I don't know what to tell you. Listen to your inner voice and listen to God if you can.

Good luck. I'm with you too.

Thank you Ellyn and Dac2002 for your insight, it is very much appreciated. If I think about what is best for my family, I know it is to be happily married to my wife. If her attitude towards me continues in this way, I think things could work. Now the problem is to allow myself to open up and care again. That's the tough one, I don't know if I could take this kind of pain again, it's happened too often, so I am hesitant to say the least. It's our anniversary tommorow and she wants to do something special. I'm a bit scared of what my reaction will be. I don't want to make things worse, but I don't want to fake it either. I can't get over the image of the two of them embraced kissing. And I loved kissing my wife, now it feels tainted.

I have to find my spirit again. I used to live to perform romantic gestures for my wife. Now I feel like "why bother"? But if there is anything about me that is good about me, it is that I have never given up. So I will try to retain that characteristic in me and hope it benefits me and my family.

Thanks again.

Keith