I have not found any posts that mention a similar way of reacting to the horror of finding out about an A as I did. I am devasted. Totaly. My wife and I have been married 2 years and have a 2 year old son that is the center of our universe. My wife is also the center of mine. I am hurt but not angry. She had an A for 4 months. She ended it on the phone with him in front of me. I begged her to work it out and she said she would. The problem that makes it keep hurting so much is she will not open up to me. She does not express a desire to have a future with me the way I do.I keep apologzing for not giving her what she needed. She does not appologize. (Not with any emotion). I keep the house looking good and do everything I can to make her want to be home. All the little projects that have been put off. I want her to know that home is a place of love and security. How can I tell if she still wants me. She lied so well throughout the affair how can I believe her now. She spent time with this man with my son. She would go to the park and hold hands and stuff. She even spent the night when she said she was going out of town to visit a girlfriend and show her our son. Will this pain ever go away? Someone please help me.

Hi Rod

I too, reacted in a similar fashion. When I found out my wife was having an affair, I thought it was my job to make her life with me so great she could not even think about what she was not getting. I was the only one who cried or apologized. I felt like I was saving my marriage but I have to drag her kicking and screaming. I read books, found this website, initiated marriage counselling, went on anti-depressants, cooked, cleaned and smothered her with what I thought she needed. Nothing would penetrate the wall she had built. Until just two days ago, when after not eating or sleeping in months, losing 43 lbs and finding myself crying at work, school and in front of my kids, I decided I was done chasing her, the more I chased, the more she withdrew. I told her I was done chasing. I had said it before, but she knew this time I meant it. Something in her snapped and she realized what terrible things she has done to me. It's only been 2 days now, so I am not about to break out the champagne, but it is a startling change. Strange but it somehow doesn't feel as good or as comforting as I thought it would, maybe it's too little to late. I pray that your wife doesn't wait for your heart to close up before she realizes what a kind and forgiving person you are.

I am still in shock with my own problems, but the best advice I received while here is, don't make your wife the center of your life right now, she won't give you what you need if she is always taking. Realize that you must make yourself happy and when she sees that you will survive and you do not need her to be happy. She will see a strength and confidence that has been shadowed by your need to keep your family together.

Don't rule anything out, just improve what you can...you.

I wish you the best.

Keith