I am new to this, I have been on MB for about a year(a little less) reading the Q&As and columns looking for help. I just recently found the discussion fourm and have been reading as much as time will allow. I have found many stories that related to mine, but still wanted to post because I am still unsure about everything and still find myself questioning my situation.

I have been married to my H for about 1.5 year and think that he has been engaging in a EA with OW(plural) for about 1 of those 1.5 years. In Oct 2001 I discovered through our cell phone bill that he was "only talking" with his ex-girlfriend and that he was "only talking" with one of his co-workers. (With his co worker he would call her on his commute to work--about 45 min) after he left his day job and while he was working at his night job (as a bouncer). When I first asked him about both situtations, he completely denied taking to is EX and said that he and the co worker were "just friends" and he was calling her so late at night (during his night job) to talk to a friend who was seeing her. I thought both stories were a little suspicous, but being newlyweds, I wanted to believe everything my WH said so I went along with it. At the beginning of this year (Jan 2002) I found out that WH was trying to take one of my sisters friends on a date and was trying to get her to do sexual favors for him. WH had been trying to get her to do these things since Nov 2001, I found out in Jan 2002. He denied it and caller her a liar, etc. I wanted to believe him again, but couldn't do it. At this time the EX situtation was in the back of my mind, so I called her and asked her what had been going on with them and she confirmed that they were "talking" and nothing more.(I forgot to add that two weeks before found out that WH had taken co worker to club with him found out cause she left her purse in his trunk.) This was it for me so I asked him to leave, but didn't follow through, thinking that we could work thought this. Our way of working through was not to talk about it (well that was his way, I went along).

Everything seemed fine for about 5 months, then after a yearly check up (in May) found out that I had an STD. Confronted husband again, denied anything, said that he had gotten it way back about 1 yr before we met (from EX) and that dr. said that it probably didn't clear up--he supposedly didn't finish taking his medicine the first time. Was deeply hurt and broken, but believed him again (it is possible, right?)

Things back on track, we were doing well., meeting each others EN. Around the beginning of July WH began acting different and distant. I had this feeling that something was going on, checked his home email account and found out that he had met some woman at the club and was emailing her and had given her his work phone #. I confronted him on this and he gave me a line, and said that he "did not know why he had given her his wk #", but that he wasn't talking to her and had no contact with her. (Believed him again).

[I know this is long, please bear with me]

I found out I was pregant at the end of July with our first child. And around that time WH was being more distant and began to catch him in little lies His son, came to stay with us for a month in the summer, WH was not spending time with him, I was the one who would go take him out to the museums, and to the movies, and other forms of entertainemnt. WH said that he was tired or had to rest to go to his night job, in that month WH spent VERY LITTLE time with his s, who he said he would like to come live with us.

In Sept (about 3 weeks ago) I began snooping (again), I know it was wrong, but I KNEW there was something going on. My WH has a 2 way pager, which he has on him at ALL TIMES, even when he is in the bathroom in the AM. I always thought that was a little strange, but I wanted to trust he was not doing dirt. I get the pass code to check his voice mail and there is a message from his EX (the one from Oct 2001) saying "she got his message, that she knew he could not stay long, but to call her at home." The very next day, I got bold and wanted to see what was in his 2way, so while he was sleeping, I looked through his messages and address book.

I found that he had tons (over 50) phone numbers and eamil addresses for women (not relatives), some I knew were current (ones that he has gotten from the club he works at and from his online chat room), some I wasn't too sure. And with most of them he had notes about how attractive he thought they were, and various notes about certain body parts. And there was this email from OW, yes a differnt one, who I had heard him talk about before, who wrote him saying "I love you too, I wish I could be with you to wake up in your arms,...." and another one, shortly after that telling him that she did not want to be bothered with him anymore, because he could not be there for her like she needed him to be. There were other messages too, but this is long enought already.

I confronted husband about this, he denied everything, said that he doesn't even talk to OW previously mentioned or the EX who left him a message. And proceeded to get mad at me for snooping saying that that was his personal stuff and his personal notes about the women. After the confrontation he went out didn't come home till about 3 am and slept on the couch.

To make a long story short, I wanted to believe him, but this time I knew that it would not get better and after a week of learning this new information I admitted to myself what was really going on and left, I stayed with a friend for one night and went back, hoping that we could get throught this.

Since then, I don't think much has changed,WH does not want to talk about anything, just wants to act "normally" After leaving I did get some info out of him about the OW and the EX, but I think they are all lies or partial truths.

I have made an appointment with an IC, cause I was about to loose it, being 4 months pregn doesn't help. I invited WH to come with me on a number of ocassions, but he doesn't want other people in our business and has discouraged me in every way so I would not go (but I am still going).

WH wants to "stay together" but I don't know how. I am so hurt, betrayed, untrusting right now. I barely even want to be around him. I really would like to start a plan A, but don't think that I have that energy in me right now (aside from the part of working on myself).

I know there are others may have been in this situation, is there too much that can happen before you give up? I could really use some help to sort all of this out.

Ebah:

You have done the righ thing in joining the forum. This forum was the turning point for me as far as being able to cope with betrayal.

You have an enormous amount on your plate, and a baby on the way.

As you have already experienced for many months, the pain the BS experiences is horrible.

You may be surprised to learn that, even without having all of your questions answered, the pain can recede in the coming years.

What is important is to be patient. I wanted a fast resolution in my heart, a quick decision. "That's it, I'm leaving," or "everything's fine now, and will be forever." Well, there are no quick resolutions.

I have never been pregnant, so I can only imagine how bringing a new life into the world compounds your pain and your hopes.

It seems that your husband does have an extra-curricular life of some time. I don't say this to hurt you. Perhaps time will reveal why. I think that you love him.

The STD you were given distresses me greatly. You have a child to look out for, as well as yourself.

I have no answers for you, only encouragement. Keep posting, and read all you can.

Robyn C,

Thanks for the encouragement. I do love my husband, more than anything, I guess that is why it hurts so much. And I am beginning to realize that things don't get fixed overnight (I think I knew that all along, but just went along with it), but I think that is something my H still needs to learn, or maybe brushing it under the carpet is just his way of avoiding conflict or admitting that something foul is going on.

But you are right, only time will tell and I KNOW that my H loves me maybe he is just so far caught up in the fog that he can't even see the light of day.

I am being patient, and trying to really do plan A right, and hope that he will come around and I will find out the truth.