It has been two weeks since i approached my husband on finding out that he has been to an escort service. My whole emotions are in such an up roar i feel as if i am a gyser. Does that seem possible. I have so much anger. Even though he says that it did not mean anything.....I find it hard to believe. I just don't understand why a person would go outside of marriage for sex especially when you can get it for free at home. He says that he just wants me to forget it and pretend like nothing ever happened. How does a person go about getting the trust back? HIs track record of trust is terrible. I don't think this is the first time he has cheated. And with the boks I have been reading I find it hard that it will be the last. I guess my question to anyone who reads this post is: I can't even look at him wihtout getting sick to my stomach. I know that marriage should not lead to divorce but for those who stuck it out did you ever love that person the way you did before you found out about an affair. I think at this point i need a new wig ha ha ha ha ha . I feel unsecure about myself............ what did i do that was not right. I have felt like an ugly duckling is what i said, but having children was easier the pain was hurtful but nothing can compare to this. And it don't go away. I want to pretend as if this is just a bad dream.Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks Quietstorm

I can only speak from my own personal experience from the male perspective. I am a BS and am going on the second week after finding out about my wife's A. The feelings of pain and mistrust seem to be quite normal when reading the other posts. Without a doubt, however, this has been the worst emotional pain that I have ever felt. I went through drug and alchohol addiction as a young adult, and my parents divorced when I was about seven years old, and those experiences were easy compared to finding out about my wife's A. I have been taking Xanax and alternate between being closer than ever to my wife emotionally to extreme disgust and disappointment. It is hard for me to picture her with another man touching her in ways that only a spouse should. I am lucky that she did not love the OM, and she had already terminated their relationship, but it is still hard to deal with. Some say that with couseling my marriage may become stronger than ever. I forgot to mention that my wife's OM infected her with herpes. She in turn infected me with herpes, though it was unintentional on her part anyway. I pray to God everyday to make some sense of what has happened. We are working things out and I am happy that our children will not have to face us getting a divorce. I look at the situation as if the devil set a trap for my wife and I and we both fell for it. She needed more emotional support and I was too caught up in my work to notice. She then began to look elsewhere for emotional support and found a guy that sweet talked her into thinking that he cared. All he wanted was sex, obviously, and he did not care about infecting her with his disease. Yes, I am bitter, who wouldn't be. I have let go though and have turned the matter over to God. Revenge will not help, you know the old saying what comes around goes around, so he will get his in the end with or without my help. Hang in there and realize that you can get back to where you were in your marriage. Two people can accomplish anything in a marriage if they are both willing to forgive and compromise a bit. I know what you face, you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

QS - If you just pretend it never happened, it will happen again.

My wife and I found working through Surviving an Affair together extremely helpful (DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!!!!!!) partly because it answers the "what did I do wrong?" questions all BS's have. In fact, it can feel like the author is blaming the BS for the affair (that is the downside) "Torn Asunder" is better at not blaming the BS, and more comprehensive, IMO about dealing with the pain of both the BS and WS. But, it is not as good at getting to the root of what it calls "the message of the affair" as SAA. A good marriage counselor can be a great help, too, but there are so many bad one's out there, it is a crapshoot. The following quote from the book "Divorce Busting" sort of sums up the experiences of several of my friends w/ marriage counseling: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> … Rather than thinking stubborn marital problems were the result of incorrigible spouses, I began to scrutinize my therapy approach. This traditional approach, which was based on the appealing but naive assumption that understanding and expressing feelings will clear up problems, simply did not work. The couples I saw in my practice expressed their feelings, even understood their feelings, and yet their problems persisted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The following articles contain some suggestions about how to find a good one: How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor That said, the traditional aproach might have worked for my wife and I, because not expressing our feelings to one another was one of our major problems, so it depends on what your particular issues are. The "traditional" approach is a one-trick pony, apparently. Or maybe two-trick. I gather there are a significant number of counselors who want to dig around in your childhood for months on end. Willard says that approach has an extremely high failure rate, as well. Since we used an MC that worked with Willard Harley for 8 years, he had a few more arrows in his quiver than someone only trained in the traditional approach.

I am reading Surviving an affair and it does make you feel as if i have done something wrong. Although this is painful he shows no steps in resolving anything. He just wants to get me in the sack and think it will be ok. I am not ok with this. He says he is depressed well i am just trying to do day to day things without being clouded by all this. He started to read torn usunder. but when he returned home from his business trip has not picked it up since. HE WON"T TALK TO ME...............he only wants to discuss how terrible he hurts and wants me to just forget it ever happened. I just want the respect that i deserve. If i allow him to continue with his pattern then i have thrown all respect for myself out the window. Any suggestions will help. Thanks for just letting me gripe.

Quietstorm

Queitstorm,

I am in the same position as you, it has been a month and my H is acting the same way, like nothing ever happened, I am dealing with the same emotions, questions about myself and him...although I am new to this I can say from experience that if you ignore it, it will just happen again...I am currently seeing a counselor alone, I have tried to get my husband to go with me, but he won't. It is helping. I just wanted to send you some encouragement. Maybe I should go out and get the book, Surviving an Affair.

All I can say is, it takes work from both sides. The BS cannot hold it over the WS' head forever...but the WS cannot just expect to sweep it under the rug, either. Each side has to acknowledge the other's hurt.

Ok I have a question.............. when it is one sided to communicate then how does it begin to work. If ignored everyone in the posts have said it will happen again. I just want some answers. I don't want the details of the WHORE he slept with. I just want to know what emotional needs that I did not do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He started to read torn asunder. but when he returned home from his business trip has not picked it up since. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice I said we read them TOGETHER. It was not something for HER to do, it was something for US to do. We would read about one chapter at a time and then discuss it. It has taken a while. Meanwhile I was spending time at this site and in books trying to learn how to not LB over disagreements on very emotional issues. We also took a break from TA and read through a marriage improvement book that was not about recovery from an affair. My wife made a committment to recovery. I never would have accepted a return to the way things were, for either of us. If she had not made that committment and backed it up with action I would be in Plan B.

I commend the both of you doing it together

QS