Here is the story. At the end of February my wife told me she loved me, but was not in love me. I know classic case that an affair is happening. She also told me on that cold weekend nearly 8 months ago that she was not having an affair and she was not interested in anyone in particular. I loved her and we started counseling in early March. We are still in counseling and have been seperated since the first of June. There were many signs of an affair, but I blindly trusted my wife. She came from a strong home and I never caught her in a lie for the entire 7 years we were married. Over the last 4-6 weeks we have been getting along much better, as I have been working on the emotional abuse I caused her throughout the marriage. Most of this abuse I was oblivious too as I learned these behaviors from my upbrininging. I have stopped abusing and was looking forward for a second chance. Last night she told me she had an affair with a married co-worker which lasted from March until the end of June, with another episode and the end in mid August. I had all the signs, Here panties were soiled at times ( SHe said that was normal for women), I got a bill back from a doctor for an Aids & STD test(she said it must have been a mistake as she only had a PAP), She brought our condemns with her on a business trip(Opps they must of got misplaced in her luggage when she was moving them), & I even once questioned who this person was listed on her cell phone (the OM). She denied and lied about everything until last night. After she told me I felt a sense of relief. She said she will never lie to me again and is love with the new (non-abusing) me. Can I believe her? How can someone do this to another person while they are in counseling? I could understand if it was prior to counseling, but during? The counseler has know since early summer and not a peep to me, a couple of her good friends and one I considered a good friend also never told me? Nor could any of them convince my wife to tell me (Although they all tried). I need advice - I have spent 7 months working through this and I HAVE become a better person. Can I trust her? Is this common with an affair? I know I drove her too it over the years, but the down right lying? It is so hurtful, I don't want to be resentful for the rest of my life. Please help!

Steve,
This is often the way it happens.

This is actually a good sign, if you stop and think about it. She finally trusts you enough to give you the this imformation. Until now, she may have been waiting to see if counceling would work and if she would stay. Now she had decided she can trust you to make things work, and she has told you. In a way, this seems to be a test for you, to see if you can make things work.

I know it's not fair and should be the other way around but it sounds like that is what is happening. You need to communicate to her that it hurts ( and this doesn't come near to describing your feelings) but that you are glad it is out in the open and behind you. You need to show her that she can trust you to care for and protect her. I believe she is trying to show you that it is over and she wants things to work.

I don't know how much reading you have done here, but this is a good place to start if you are new here.
K's helps for new members

We know you are going through he$$ right now, and it will be hard. It takes time to get through it. There is no substitute for it or easy way out.

I hope you both can make it. Please come back often and tell us how you are doing.

SS

Steve --
No one really says it, but here it is: Welcome to Hell. All your worst fears confirmed. The most horrible thing you can imagine, and here it is.
Guess what?

You survived. You are surviving, and there's a bonus: You're ahead of the game. You've already made changes in you that you like, that she likes and you're well on the road to recovery.

Now you have a choice: Accept the A or not. Obviously, there are communication problems you guys need to work on. The other "causes" of the A, you've been activly working.
If you can't accept the lies, the deceit and the shame, then you will have to make a choice at some point. Married or not? However, if you love your wife and want your marriage to work, then the A becomes something to learn from.
So talk to your wife. Find out what she wants to do. And talk to yourself.

I assume you've started reading the MB site. That's always a good start. And there are tons of people here who will throw in their 2 cents worth. In the end, however, it comes down to you and what you can and cannot accept.
This is where you have to battle your pride, your ego and your upbringing. This is where you really become a man about your relationship.
Like I said, welcome to Hell. There's a way out, and you can find it if you look hard enough.

Thanks Chorus and Still Seeking your words are very encouraging. I have become a better man and no matter what happens I will be a good person and find happiness!

Things seem to be going good between the two of us, The affair hardly bothers me. I don't truly understand why? I must truly love her unconditionally. I am still concerned that there is a chance she will slip back into her dark abyss, so I am scared to trust her. How can I have her provide proof that she is not in contact with the OM? If she is I will leave the relationship and move on with my life. I will always lover her!

Hi Steve,

Welcome

Has she drafted a NO CONTACT letter? Sent or emailed it with you watching? Blocked OM's calls and emails? Can you check on the computer and her cell phone for calls, etc.? Affairs die hard - dreams and passions are powerful motivators for hanging on to Affairs. Just a few thoughts from one who's been there on both sides of the coin...
Harold

Steve the best way for her to start rebuilding your trust in her is for her to be completely open and honest with you and not hide anything from you. DJ T-Bird gave you a list of some things to start with.

If she truly wants to avoid falling into another A there is nothing better than for her to be accountable to you for every minute that she is away.

I will think about your recommendations, but I fear that it could come off to harsh. Under these circumstances it might be a good idea. Does contact usually start up again even after the A is stopped? I think they both cared for each other and maybe even thought they loved each other? I also plan on making a phone call in a couple of weeks as I work on this with my counselor. Thought?

In order for her to be open and honest with you, you MUST let her know that her honesty to you will not be met with punishment in the form of angry outbursts or selfish demands on your part. In other words, you want to keep a safe environment for her to trust you with her feelings. Let her know that you love her very much and that the truth coming from her lips is far less damaging than if it was discovered by you on your own. At that point ask her if she still thinks of OM constantly and feels a great need to contact him. If she says yes to both questions, ASK her if she wants you to help her from falling back with OM. If she says yes, then suggest to her that to resist the temptation of contacting OM, that she give you all her e-mail accounts and passwords, and make her whereabouts known to you when she is away from the house. Also to let him know immediately if OM tries to reach her via cell phone. Remind her that this is NOT an attempt by you to control her but an attempt by you to help HER control herself, and that it will only be in place until she feels she is truly over OM. Hopefully she'll realize this as an act of love on your part and will agree to the wisdom of it.

Good luck and God bless.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Dear Steve,

Well I hate the be the bearer of bad news but I am going to have to be the one who is honest with you.

The only way you will be able to tell if she is lying is if her lips are moving.

Leave now, run, run fast and run far away from this person.

You sound like a nice person who deserves so much better than this. I have been in a marriage for 17 years with children and my husband has had multiple affairs, each time he was "caught" he would cry, apologize and say it would never happen again. One of the affairs even happened when I was pregnant. If they are unfaithful once they will be again and again and again. I am one of the idiots that stayed in my marriage. It has made me an old, tired woman. I simply don't have anything else to give. My entire life is based on lies and deceit. As hard as this may be to believe I never, never once had an affair on him. Never. Never wanted too. Never even thought about it. Get out now before kids are involved in this mess. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DESERVES THE BOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No waste your life like I have.

Sorry that you have to be here in the first place, in the second...you're W gave you the truth. No, it wasn't on your time schedule...but...you did get it without having to find out on your own first and then confront her. I applaud her honesty, even if it was late. It's very difficult to admit to someone who you love that you have been a fool and made such a horrid mistake. She faced this. She realized going into her confession that she might be faced with your anger, pain, and less then forgiveness. Yet...she went ahead and told the truth.

You have accepted your responsibilities for some of the problems in the marriage, and are working hard on repairing them. This is wonderful. We all make mistakes in our marriages. She is now accepting her mistakes, and hopefully will be as successful as you have been on working through them.

Do NOT hold it against your counselor that he did tell you about her actions. He/she is also your W's counselor and must hold secret those issues that she must work through until she is ready to share. (You wouldn't want the counselor going behind your back and sharing with your W what you have not reflected on and are ready to deal with together with your spouse.)

IF....you are willing to give the marriage the continued work that is needed....IF your W is willing to do the same...you and she have a very good chance of reclaiming and rebuilding a much stronger, honest, and more loving marriage.

Trust is something that does take a very damaging beating during a betrayal. It does NOT come back over night. It takes time. Be honest with your W about this aspect. Inform her that it will take time to reclaim this. Sadly, it may never be the "blind trust" that you once shared, but that may not be a bad thing. Blind trust puts a lot of pressure on the one who receives it. We all can fail those who love us and who we love. Just take the reclaiming of trust one day at a time.

Most BS have a devil of a time getting to the truth...even after we know of the betrayal, much less the time before when we are suspicious and our spouse is lying to conceal the betrayal. Few WS have the guts to confess....your W loved you enough to give you the truth without proof. I find that commendable. jmho

I tend to disagree with any type of NC letter...IF she is already in NC. ANY contact between affair partners should be discouraged...even if it is negative. However, if she is still in contact, you may wish to look into this.

Since the affair was with a co-worker. She MUST change jobs, if the affair partner is still working there. No way will NC work if they continue to share the same office. NC is a MUST, for successful rebuilding in almost all cases.

Good luck!

We continue to work on the relationship and things seem to be getting better than they have been since we first met. I still find myself thinking about what happened every day during work meetings, lunch, etc. It's too embarrassing to talk about with even my best friends. I wish she would be more remorseful and show the love that I plan on showing her for the rest of her life. She says she loves me, but has done nothing out of the ordinary to show me. Actions speak louder than words. This is not something I can tell her to do she must do it on her own! I look forward to brighter days!

What are the odds that this will happen again? I think she does truly care for me, but am very concerned that if we both jump back into this and one or two years from now she falls back into this activity. The OM is a coworker located in another state and sometime after the first of the year she most likely will have to go back out there. They will be working together and I will not always be able to be there watching over everything. What are the odds that they will hook up again? Is it common? Are the odds great that another A will start up with someone else? I can't go through this again, I have become a better person and need to trust my spouse. I plan on calling him sometime next week after I talk to my MC, his wife has no idea. I will be warning him that if he contacts my W again I will be paying a visit to his W. By the way, she had a Birthday late last week and he called her work and her cell wishing her a happy birthday, she did not talk to him. She claims she does not care for him and is committed to being with me. I really want to believe her and a big part of me does, but I don't want to be blind again. Thoughts?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
THOUGHTS: Apparently you did not read my post dated October 15. Please go back and read this and then read it again. TAKE HEED. FOLLOW ADVICE.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, NUMEROUS TIMES.

Old Faithful - Thanks for your concern and advice, but I made a pledge when I got married to work through the good times and the bad and fully intend on honoring this commitment. I am very sorry you have been so hurt and I hope you can learn to forgive. If you truly love someone, unconditionally, you will forgive and hopefully become stronger. Believe me if this continues or another A starts up again I will leave and find a better person. One thing that makes me feel good is that I am a better person than I was and I know I will find happiness. I will always love my W, no matter what happens, forever. If I stay or if I have to move on.

FAIR ENOUGH!!! I wish you the best of luck!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IF...this is her first affair, the odds are that it will never happen again. If it's not, then the odds are it will. However, you both must address the reasons/issues that caused her to take the option of having an affair, instead of working on the marriage or leaving. If you don't get to the basis of this, it may happen again.

Yes, there is a very real danger that an affair can resume if they continue to have contact. IF your W is unable to change jobs and must go on a business trip to his location...take your vacation during the same time and go with her. jmho

I made the phone call to the OM this morning with my W present. She helped me script out what I was going to say and I think the conversation went rather well, although I felt my self becoming very nervous and angry during the course of the call. I was disturbed to find that when I called him from her cell phone he answered with "Hi birthday girl", as she had a birthday a little over a week ago. According to my W he left her voicemails on her birthday wishing her a happy birthday. I think I was clear for him to never contact her again and he seemed remorseful. I wish him and his family well and am looking forward to moving on. Do you think he will try to contact her again? He seemed very happy that the call was coming, little did he know who was on the other line. Does anybody else have experience with these "No Contact" calls?

We have been working through this for about a month now, but it is not any easier. I still think about what happened and have trouble believing it's still not happening. We are happier than ever, but part of me is gone. I hope I can make it through this. Everything on the Affair reminds me of the movie "Unfaithful", it makes me sick. How could someone break your trust and lie straight to your face. I hate this society and wish everything could be different.