Excuse the "Foward" big typo when I registered!<P>I'm really glad I found this board. I'm dealing with my spouses infidelity. He and my "best friend" had an affair, which ended last June. She is now pregnant, possibly with his child.<P>My husband and I ourselves have a 15 month old daughter. Upon me finding out about the affair, and pregnancy to boot, I was determined to divorce him. There were many other factors leading up to the decision of divorce, but the affair was the whammy.<BR>I spent $1,500. for the lawyer, and almost went through with it. Because of my Christ centered beliefs, I have since decided to reconcile with my husband, which is what he has wanted since the day he told me about the affair.<P>It is so very difficult at times. I spend WAY too much times thinking about the affair. The thing that really hurts me the most is that he and her may share a child. Which means that their communication will never fully be cut off. That is hard for me to deal with.<P>Now this probably sounds selfish, but here it goes. We have talked recently about purchasing a home, but are having to hold off on that decision until we know whether or not the child she is carrying is his, because of possible court costs, child support, etc. Now, if the child is his, I fully expect him to be responsible and pay child support and have regular visitations. But every month when we are short the $400 or so, it will be a constant reminder of the affair and how it will never "go away." I'm hoping that once the child is born, if it is his, that my attitude will change, because I feel awfully selfish.<P>On top of that, she is related to my sister-in-laws husband. She is his cousin. That is in fact how we came to know each other. So I end up hearing, through the grapevine, of things she has said. Such as, "I don't care if he ever sees his child, he just better be prepared to pay the child support." I also know that she has tried to figure out exactly what my husband is paid per year. She has expected him to pay for her maternity clothing, even though she is not for sure whether the child is his or not. Although now she has re-canted on earlier statements about being sexually active with someone else during the same time period, and says the she is positive the child is my husbands. From what I know, my husband and her were last sexually active somewhere between June 12-18. Based upon her due date, she conceived on June 30. I also have heard hearsay that the other man she was sexually active with, had sex over 4th of July weekend, which would put it closer to the conception date. I don't know if that is much of a discretion, but any hope that he is not the father helps me deal with the situation. She is due the end of March, so I guess that will put an end to the agonizing uncertainty of it all.<P>All of this is such a huge strain on our family. I find myself quick to anger at times with my husband. I can't believe he would put his family in this predicament. We are trying to build a strong marriage, but it's so difficult right now. We have minimum communication, mostly due to the fact that I work 8am-5pm and he works 5pm-4am Mon-Fri and 3pm-11pm on Saturdays. That leaves little time for us to work on even "normal" relationship issues, not to mention the extra load that we carry.<P>Thanks for reading my feel sorry for myself post. Sometimes I really need to just get it all out!<P>I wish the best to everyone else who is dealing with a difficult situation in their life right now.

Welcome <B>Moving Foward</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Since your H is still home and from the sound of it at least willing to try and work on the marraige... start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, read up on the recovery issues.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>You're most likely not done with these even you are in the recovery process.<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR><B>There are a number of folks on this forum that are in exactly the same situation you are in... seek out their advice!</B> <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I appreciate the welcome NSR. This board is what I've been looking for. I'm anxious to get Dr. Harley's book. I think it will help rebuild our marriage tremendously.<P>Hanora, I agree that I need to look into what my state laws are ahead of time. I feel for your sister. What an awful situation to be put in to. <P>As far as my situation, I don't want to jump the gun assuming that the OC is his, but it's obvious that it could be. I guess I just need to be prepared, emotionally and financially. I just hate thinking about this! It makes the affair an everyday factor in my life. I wish that my H and I could just move on with our marriage. The OW lives close enough that I am sure I will end up seeing her again, somewhere along the line. If the OC is my H's, I know that he wants regular visitations. So I'm sure I will end up seeing her at that point too. I have talked to her since I found out about the affair. It was a very calm conversation, but one that I really felt strongly about having. I told her how betrayed I felt, that she, as my best friend, could back stab me so blatantly. She did end up apologizing, which I was happy to hear. Who knows how genuine it was, but it made me feel more at ease. I also told her that I would never interfere with the OC's relationship with my H, if the child is his, this was a concern of hers. I think she thought I had become a raving b*tch. We ended on the conversation quite friendly, amazingly! Even though I've had that conversation with her, it still brings no closure. Talking to her is one thing, having to deal with her for years is another! Plus, even if the OC is not H's, since she is related to another family member, she will never fully be out of our lives.<P>Well, I guess all I can do is be prepared.....and wait until March. *sigh*<P>Thanks again for the support. I wish the best to you and everyone else who is dealing with unpleasant issues in their lives.