I am in post divorce Plan A. My ex-wife has been having an affair with her boss for 2 years. I filed for divorce as soon as I found out. Big mistake. We talk regularly. She loves to talk about anything but reconcilliation. She is actually seeing a Christian marriage counselor. She tells me that she knows that I love her. She also says that it is not so clear cut for her as she has feelings for OM. I actually spend most of my free time with her parents. They invite me with them. They have yet to meet OM and do not want to. We have a 5 year old son and I have custody. Her counselor suggests that he stay with her for a week and me a week. My counselor says that the reason that her counselor is doing this is because she needs to see that OM cannot meet all her needs. I have slowly started to stablize, but it is hard. Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time. Our anniversary is tomorrow. (Well, would have been). She still works with OM and they see alot of each other. Can anyone offer any advice who has had this happen to them? I have been in Plan A since first of November. I have been dealing with this for every single day since she left May 31. HELP!

This is another one of those times when we need some input on Plan's A and B... not my area of expertise here... but I'm pulling this up to the top in hopes that one of our experts will jump in...<P>Best wishes Dfloyd, and I hope you get some replies now!

Well I certainly wouldn't call myself an expert - but maybe I can shed some sort of light on the situation. I have gotten myself in a messy situation - as I have been having an affair with a friend of mine on and off for the past few years. At first I found myself drawn to the OM because I had no emotional feelings for my H. We went to councelling and he has made a huge effort to change his controlling ways etc.. Only I now feel caught in this awful middle ground. I have very deep feelings for this OM, yet I know in the long run I want it to work out with my H and know we could be happy together. I have never been in such a situation - and I don't think others realize what betrayers go thru. It's not easy for us either. The affair is almost like a drug that just keeps sucking me back in. I manage to break away from the OM but then find myself back in his arms in a month or 2. I guess I don't really have an answer for you but it's possible that your wife is still in love with you - but is also caught in the middle. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from the OM, but I can't seem to do that.

dfloyd - Hi. It's a heck of a ride, huh?<P>You have to decide what plan's right for you at the stage you're in by the way YOU feel.<P>Remember, Plan A is to deposit units for yourself in HER lovebank. To make her see what a wonderful person you are. You keep it up for as long as you feel you can.<P>But, if her seeing OM and her behavior is starting to make YOU lose feelings for her, that's the time for Plan B. It's NOT to make her come home. It's to protect her balance - your love for her - until when and if she decides to reconcile. And I hear it's hard to do - especially with a little one.<P>So, you decide. If you can keep showing her how wonderful you are, without losing feelings for her, then stay in Plan A, for as long as you can.<P>But if the stress and heartache is working against you and you find yourself NOT loving her as much as before, then Plan B it is.<P>Good luck to you.<P>Lori

Thanks everyone for the input. I see that alot of yours are nearly the same as mine. My prayers are with you. Again Thanks.

Dfloyd01,<P>Just a follow-up on what Lori said...<P>From the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... a few thoughts... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this implies accpetance of a failed marriage... (hard to consider at almost any stage)... it also implies <B>this is the time to build yourself up... as a individual!</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan B: Avoid (all) contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... has a side effect of this "no contact" rule is that <B>all</B> the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> will have to be met by the OP! A very difficult task!<P>Partial <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>'s... hybrid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>'s rarely work... and are not recommended by the Harley's. A firm... "hardcore" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is recommended... and it takes a great deal of fortitude! But... the folks here on the MB forum have been supportive for all who have started <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>s.<P>I too will be starting a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> sometime in the Jan/Feb time frame.<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...