I am so sad after having found out a month ago that my H's EA (a close friendship with a coworker for the past 3 years) turned into a PA over this summer. I can't get over the sadness. I'm dealing with trying to move on, as he claims he's in love. (they are both leaving their spouses and getting together-according to emails) He was a respectable, Christian man who was, I feel, is being taken for a ride by a woman with quite a reputation behind her (others tell me of her reputation--he of course doesn't believe it). They are both professionals (teachers) as am I, and I can't believe he would fall away like this. This woman is not a Christian, and my H goes to church (even still) regularly. I just can't believe it. We have two sons, ages 6 and 7. I can't keep on crying and letting them see me like this. How long do I hold on? WH wants D, claims hasn't had "romantic love" for me in a long time, and wants out. Claims to "care for me" and will always take care of boys..
My Dr. (gyn) prescribed an antidepressant for me. Celexa. Anyone taking this? Should I start taking it?

Hi Kimmy2,

Make sure that you read up here on the MB site. It has quite a few tools that will help you along this rough road. It will get better! Does your husband not see the ramifications of his actions to his sons? Does he realize what he is teaching them? Remember that affairs are full of lies - they just don't last. Something that struck me - does your husband say he is a true active Christian?

Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but he says he is a Christian. (from what I understand. she is not) Actually, he is one of the few people I personally know (other than preachers) who have read the Bible through twice. So, he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. Which is making my self esteem go down even further--I mean, was I so horrible to live with to make him risk going to hell? I even mentioned it Monday night, that if he believed in the Bible, then he knows that following the path of adultery leads to destruction. He didn't say anything other than he will work that out on his own. (I'm wondering, how??). I have been completely faithful to him, and I would be home cooking supper while I knew he and the OW were out "working out" together at the gym. (Which is the first "outside of work" activity they started doing together--that was hidden for 6 months until I found out in 1999). He claims it was a friendship until this summer, when it became physical. I really think he feels he is in love, and I am so sad that he wants to give up his family. He says he stayed in it this long "for the boys" but that the boys need to see him (and me) happy.

Dear Kimmey,

I am sorry you have now found yourself in the same mess as the rest of us here. I to am a teacher and just wanted you to know i am here if you need an ear. I am in the same boat as you so as far as advice goes, well, im no expert <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but two ears, LOL eyes and i will respond. Life is hard sometimes expecially when you just find out. My favorite verse is. Isaiah 41:13

For I the Lord, thy God will hold thy right hand saying unto thee, Fear not I will help thee.

As far as the taking anti. I have and would again. It can be a secret, you don't have to tell a soul. I know. I just didn't want anyone to know, i felt so stupid. Also, i just wanted you to know the one thing that has made me feel better, When i realized that I would be ok, with or without my H i would be ok. Because I was going to make that choice. Life is full of choices. You can only work on you. Be the best you you can be and let God handle the rest. How long have you been married, These things happen forgive yourself. Hugs and prayers to, and for you S

I too am the BS. Mine happened roughly 2 years ago. My wife also called herself a Christian when this all happened. Hers was at first an EA then turned into a PA. It stopped and have been at recovery since. It has been a rough 2 years. It is now starting to come along well.

Both of us stopped going to church, stopped reading the Bible and at least me stopped praying. This was all going on throughout this last two years. My wife went into this fog for about a year and a half before she wanted to start working on our marriage. During this time I too have lapsed off. Both of us knew that this was wrong and have since made ammends.

One thing that helped me and her was a phrase that was written by our pastor. He commented to an individual that was also in the middle of an affair, with children, I might add, to sit down and he wanted to talk to him. He asked him, once he sat to look at the pastor in the eyes and deny God to him and recount that he was a Christian. The guy looked at him and said no way, that he could never do that. He told him he should honestly say those things, deny Christ and deny he was a Christian, again he was very upset that his pastor was asking this. He asked why he was making him do this, the pastor said to him that if he truly believed in the Bible, believed in Christ and believed he was a Christian then he would never continue with this affair. It is pretty plain and simple what it says. Thou shalt not covet your neighbors wife, not commit adultery - two pretty big ones. Then you could go to the marriage parts of the Bible. God hates divorce, he created marriage to be a union, a covenant, not to be broken, not to be shared, not to be split. He may needs to hear this. I wonder what your husbands answer would be. Would he deny Christ? Whould he not call himself a Christian? Not believe in the Bible? These are some serious questions to ponder for him - because this is exactly what he is doing! The guy I referred to realized what he was doing wrong and repaired his marriage. He saw what he was doing to his wife, boys, life and marriage. I also looked at this and knew that even though I didn't committ the affair, I still got away from Christ and didn't act like a Christian. This got to me. I hope this may help.

Go to a Plan A and make a better person of yourself. You are already at the point of him being at an EA/PA. You need to read up on the points of this site. Have you checked on a counselor?

No marriage is perfect, we didn't come with manuals. This is still fixable. Good luck.

kimmy2, I used to be a preacher and I am now a FWS.

It is easy to convince yourself of anything when you are in the selfish place of committing adultery. "It's all about me." The WS is living a lie and believing it. The WS can put God in the back of their mind and ignore His still small voice (or His shouting screaming voice!!)

I've shared this here before (guess I am becoming an old-timer on here--I sort of come and go but feel stronger these days to help others or I pray I might be of some help)--and I hope it might bring some encouragement. Honestly, Kimmy, I believe God sent people (maybe they were even angels?) to tell me how I should treasure my family. Just before confessing, I met an old man in a coffee shop. He irritated me at first but everything he said was so true! He didn't know me from Adam and yet he had pinpoint accuracy.

Not long after that, God gave me a nightmare and I literally woke up to my need to confess.

It must be really hard to have faith at a time like you are going through. I was just sharing with a lovely Christian friend today who has been separated for a couple years. It hurts like crazy for this person but God is his strength.

May you find healing in these times!

Thanks so much for the replies, that is some of the best advice I have been given so far by anyone.
Notagain, I'm sorry you are going through this, too, and I appreciate the advice about taking the medication. I haven't gotten the rx filled yet, but I'm leaning toward it. The school where I teach is on the year round system, and we have had the past 2 weeks off for our fall break, and I'm thinking that I may need to get this filled so that I can be normal at school again. Yes, I would love to talk to you. It is helpful to hear advice from those who are in this.
Worthit, thanks for your perspective in this. I know I must keep my faith, because I realize if I pull away from God, I'll truly be lost. But, believe me, I can understand how easily that could be done, and it scares me. I mean, I know what's right and wrong, and it is depressing to me to know that my H knows right and wrong, and is choosing wrong. And he is not a stupid person, although some may say what he is doing is stupid. I think he's caught up in this, and whatever problems he perceived us having are coming across as major instead of minor as they really are.
Freshstart, thanks so much for your input. I really would like to hear more about what the WS goes through during all of this. There are times that I think my H is hurting when we talk. It's almost like he is feeling badly for doing this, yet he can't stop. He told me the other night that we couldn't work this out because I'd never forgive him. I told him I would, if we made lots of changes. Thing is, i don't think he wants to stop. (he thinks he's in love) And we've been together for so long, and we've never experienced love other than with each other. Maybe he feels that this person will be the same as me and will hold to her profession of undying love. I, however, have heard of her past and I don't think she truly loves him. I think she viewed him as a challenge and is taking him for a loop. although I must face the fact that he may never be back. HOw do you forge out on your own when you are so used to being a part of another person? How can you clear that fog that they are in??

Kimmy, I totally forgot a big part of the reason I wrote you the first time!! Yes, please take care of yourself by taking the medication. It will help you to cope and keep balanced emotionally.

I had been on them during A (for a long time actually before that) and H and my oldest daughter (who still doesn't know but I kinda think she had a good idea) took them to help them get through the tough times after d-day. They both were able to go off meds over the summer. It took me a longer time but I suffered from chronic depression which I believe I have received healing from. There is light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not always an oncoming train!) and I'm pleased to say I've been off meds since April of this year.

However, don't rush things. One thing people do is go on meds, get feeling better and then ditch them. Most doctors insist you stay on them for at least six months and they know what they are talking about.

Hugs to you.

Freshstart,
Thanks for the input on the medication. I have been prescribed Celexa. Do you know anything about that? I truly want to feel better, but I'm struggling with trying to do this on my own, by coping, or using the medication to help me through. I'm actually having a good day today, but the past 3 or 4 have been very bad--crying all the time. This is 4 weeks into the separation, after finding the EA had turned to a PA. I sometimes feel like I'm doing sooo good, then I have a breakdown. I assume this is normal, so I'm wondering if I should just work it out with prayer. Do the meds REALLY help that much? Will it help me feel like I can move on?

Kimmy, working through my issue of depression was a difficult thing for me spiritually.

I set myself back repeatedly because I would take the meds, feel better, feel guilty for needing them (why wasn't God enough?) and then go off them and get in BIG trouble.

Finally, I decided that depression was my cross to bear in life. (Sometimes I wonder if there is a woman alive who does NOT suffer from depression at some point!) I decided since I didn't have terrible illnesses like others who required medication or treatment for things like cancer or diabetes, I should be grateful that I only needed antidepressants to help me get well.

For me, it was a very long journey. Probably 10 years off and on. But as I said, for H it was only a matter of months.

God has not abandoned you because you are on medication. He gave doctors wisdom to help us when we are unable to help ourselves. He does answer prayer when we are on meds! The awesome thing about Jesus is that there is absolutely no limits to His power.

I really encourage you to keep up the prayer and not to feel bad that your body needs some help physiologically at this time. You have been under incredible stress. You need to be in shape for your own piece of mind and so that you can function in your daily routines.

It can take some time to adjust to your pills and you might have to switch once or twice with your doctor's guidance. They all work different ways. I have been on Paxil, Ludiomil and Serzone. Serzone was the best one for me. Paxil made my hands tremble like crazy.

You'll be amazed at how normal you will actually feel when it kicks in (be patient--it can take as long as 6 weeks for it to take effect.)

Hang in there!

Thanks again. My dr who prescribed this is a Christian (and his OB/Gyn practice is a Christian one--so much so that he even prayed with me after my check up for STD's--none detected thank God-- after I found out). So, I know he wouldn't prescribe anything for me if he thought there was anything spiritually wrong with it. I guess I feel I should be strong enough to handle it on my own. Plus, there's a stigma attached to this, too, however i'm learning that taking an antidepressant during a time such as this is more common than i thought. So, I guess I may go to the drugstore tomorrow and at least get it filled. Lol, who knows if I can get to the point of opening the bottle!

Dear Kimmy,

How are you today, when does school start back up?? I remember trying to keep it together. It does get easier. I teach special ed and live in OK. Hope your day is going as well as can be expected. Many prayers S

Kimmy -
I have not posted in awhile, but I am familiar with your story and wanted to give you my input. Just so you know, I am the BS. My WH and OW are both teachers. My WH ended his A about 2 weeks ago and is currently going through withdrawal. It is hard, but I am hanging in there because I think we can make it through this. Like you, we have two sons and we both want the best for them (and ourselves).

I have taken Celexa in the past. In fact, I started taking it about a year after the birth of our youngest son. Death in our extended family, stess at work, etc. all contributed to a form of post-partum depression. The meds helped me SO much! I did not experience side effects. Instead, after about 3-4 weeks on the meds, I noticed that I just felt better, more clear headed, and able to take some sort of control of my life. I took the meds for about a year and then stopped because I didn't feel like I needed them any more.

Unfortunately, after being off meds for about 6 months, I found out about my WH's A. I really wanted to get through this without going back on meds. But, after about 3 months, I realized that I just couldn't do it. It was not fair to my boys for me to be so emotional and unpredictable. I was not functioning well at my job. So, my doctor put me back on an anti-dep. This time I am taking Effexor. Again, I really feel like it was the right decision. This is a trauma that will not pass quickly. I have felt like I have been able to make better decisions with a clear head due to the anit-deps. In turn, I have become stronger and I think that is what has finally helped this situation start to turn my way. Don't get me wrong - it is not over yet - but at least I feel like I am doing something right.

I also started seeing a counselor about a month ago. I would strongly suggest that you consider it, too. It is amazing how much good it has done me.

Keep your chin up. This will end and we will be stronger for having weathered the storm.

I'll be thinking of you. WTW

Hi kimmy2...

I took Celexa for about the first six months after d-day... it helped me tremendously... I was finally able to sleep... I didn't cry ALL the time... It's not like I stopped feeling... but was just able to cope better...

Keep strong in your Faith... my Walk became stronger through this and, I believe, helped my H find his way back... find yourself a couple of strong praying partners... they will strengthen you... stay in the Word... and BELIEVE that God does know what HE is doing and that you WILL be blessed... ARE blessed... for you have HIM...

Cali

Notagain2002, thanks--school has started up for us already, we are year-round calendar and started in July. At least that keeps my mind occupied.
WillingtoWait and Cali, thanks for the info on antidepressants. I am having better days, maybe I'm getting angrier, so I'm waiting on filling the RX. If I start feeling hopeless again, though, I'll go to it.
WillingtoWait, did you have a hard time accepting that OW and WH were teaching together? My H and OW teach at a Middle School. It makes me angry because when we got together in high school, my H was NOT going to go to college. Yet, he got an academic scholarship, then said he would do it because he felt he owed it to me to get a better job than just a blue collar hard labor (but honest) job (working with his father pipe-fitting). Now, however, I think that if he had done that, he would have not been around the women he was around in the school system. (Namely, this one particular woman). I know it's not good to go back and say "what if" but it makes me mad that he chose this profession partly because he was considering making a decent living for me, and now claims he isn't happy with me. It really makes me upset.
Thanks again for the posts, and I appreciate any other replies as well.

It feels like you have not really started the process recommended here. You are still up and down and all over the place - doing and saying things that are contrary to the guidelines. You still don't seem to understand the basics of MB and are making the situation worse for yourself because of this. By not taking the time and doing the work necessary to lay the foundation for recovery you are loosing valuable time.

Before you start anti-depressants do the things recommended here one step at a time. That means first reading and understanding the concepts. Then implementing a perfect plan A. Then work on stopping all Love Busting things you've been doing and saying. Thirdly work on filling his Love Bank. You will find yourself calming down and being more in control of the situation as you train yourself according to these steps. You will also find your H falling romantically in love with you (fingers crossed) as you stop your Love Busters and start filling his love bank.

It may help to have a phone counseling session with SH to get started. It may also help to see a counselor every week to keep yourself on an even keel. But I'd say that reading and understanding the Concepts and the dynamics of an affair should give you the strength and the knowledge necessary to do this for yourself.

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Relate,
Thanks for your comment. YOu may be correct, however, in a previous post I mentioned that I have unknowingly been in Plan A (before I found MB), just through advice given by a Christian friend. From December 2000 until September 2002, I have been Plan A'ing, and trying to "fill his love bank". I never mentioned the time he spent with the OW to him anymore (from 12/00 until this summer--that was always a huge LB for him). They worked out together. I even wrapped presents for the OW daughter that my H wanted our boys to give to her (Christmas/bday, etc). She would buy him gifts (clothes) for no reason, and I would compliment them on her style (trying not to bare my teeth). My H would work out at the gym with her and then go walking in the park from 4:30 until 7 pm 2 to 3 times a week, and I, for the past 1 1/2 years, never complained (I did to start with, but stopped after we separated in 12/00). I supported him and I built him up. I avoided arguing. I only got upset when I would find out he and her went places with her that I didn't know about until later (like out to lunch while I was at my school and they were off --we teach in different systems). They would go shopping together, then out to eat. He took her to my grandparents place on the lake, when I wasn't there, and I allowed it to happen, even offering to go shopping for them to grill out. (He claims, now, that the PA didn't start until this summer, so apparently it was just an EA at this time they were going places). So, actually, I may be wrong, but I feel I did all I could do (and sometimes I feel I even helped condone it), and he still pulled away. He decided to pursue his relationship with her. So now we are separated, and I'm a little more than upset that I have thrown myself for the past 18 months into pleasing someone that I couldn't please. I mean, I would be cooking supper while he was working out with her, seriously, every tues and thurs for the past 2 years. I would smile when he came home, and not LB. (even though I didn't know what that was--as I said this was taking a friend's advice). So, maybe I haven't done everything according to this site (I'm relatively new here and still reading), but I have done a lot prior to coming here. I'm separated from him, but not really wanting to be. I would love reconciliation, but I also need to feel valued. In a way, I think I have wasted 18 months trying to please a man that I couldn't please. He was being pleased elsewhere.

Please let me know if you (or anyone else) still feel that I haven't begun this process. I want my marriage, but I think I deserve it without having to put up with an EA or PA.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I just wanted to add that I also took antidepressants for a while during my H's affair. they REALLY helped me to cope. Just remember that they can take 6-8 weeks to really start working, don't wait around to take them if you need them. My dr. insisted and I resisted but boy was he right. It made things more bearable, helped me to sleep and stop crying around the clock.

If you feel you have been in plan A, then you are probably right. It is a difficult enough situation without my saying it is your fault; sorry. You could try and improve your plan A by reading this site, the texts and other posts. I have found the Concepts section immensely helpful. Particularly goind_crazy is in a similar situation, with her H working with the OW. I think it would be very helpful and inspiring to read those threads.

But he seems not too keen on starting the separation process, even if he has told you so. His telling you so may be the 'fog talk' people here talk about. If you look at going_crazy's thread, her H told her he was going to file several times, and in fact filed the petition and then backed out of it. MB says it is not good to enable the process by 'giving your permission', which is what you do when you initiate separation talk.

I personally don't agree with anti-depressants. There has been so much news in the press about these drugs having severe side effects. One in particular, previously thought safe, has been recently revealed to cause suicidal depression, self harming (e.g. cutting oneself with blades) and severe addiction. I believe you should try to use the strength within yourself, reaching out to one's friends and family, getting involved in communities and interests, church etc. to handle these stressors of modern society as much as possible. Failing this, I think one should try weekly conselling before trying the drugs.

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Kimmy, Just a little input from me. I have been suffering from depression for almost a year now. My doctor prescribed Zoloft which is in the same class of drugs as Celexa.

First of all let me say, please forget about the stigma attached to these medications. Depression is not in your head, you are not making it up, it literally is a chemical imbalance in your brain. These medications regulate these chemicals and put them back into balance.

Second the Zoloft literally saved my life. Be patient these types of medications don't act instantly after taking 1 or 2 pills, it took me almost a month before I started seeing an affect. I almost gave up but please take my advise and take your medications religiously on a daily basis as prescribed by your doctor. You will eventually get better and things will start looking brighter. Don't quit taking the medication when you get to feeling better, as stated in an earlier post most doctors want you on the medication for at least 6-9 months and then they don't want you to quit cold turkey, they want you to taper off the medication. Zoloft is nonaddictive as are most of the drugs in this class.

To find out more about this stuff. Log on to depression.com and also type in celexa to pull up information about this medication.

I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry that you are having this happen to you. I don't even know you but I know you don't deserve this treatment and neither do your children. I have been through it myself and the pain is real and it is deep.

I will say a prayer for you. HANG IN THERE!!

T