Hi people. I figure the best way to introduce myself is to just lay all my cards out on the table. three months ago I discovered a revealing letter written from my wife to another man. I was in shock and surprise, for this man she slept with...her and I discussed him. Ill explain...

See, my wife and I have always been very open. Ive made it a point to talk to her about everything. one day, my wife arrived home from work and told me that she was offered a trip to Mexico from her boss...work related but shed spend time in Mexico City, where she happens to have several friends residing.

Well, one of those friends I knew to be her first boyfriend. Her ex. now I have never been the type to be jealous. In fact I even tended to get a kick out of other men flirting with my wife or giving her the once over with their eyes.

So, I discussed her meeting him. I asked her of her intentions and where she stood. she assured me that in this whole world, there wasn't another man for her, and that we would live on together as the "3 family" (her, my son, and I) and that nothing would ever change that.

This made me feel good, and confident in her, and lead me to assume that I could trust her seeing him and being away from me in a far away land.

Hours before her plane was scheduled to depart, her and I discussed him again. She had made plans to visit him and his sister the moment she arrived, and she intended to stay over night at his apartment. She assured me again that she was in love WITH ME, and would do nothing to jeopardize our bond.

So again, I felt like I could trust her to stay at his place, because I had total faith in her. Had no reasons to ever doubt her or question her. most men would never "allow" their mate to spend an evening at another guys house, but these were here old friends. People shed often reminisce about, and wish she could have a chance to one day see again.

While she was gone she was emailing me on a daily basis. Her letters were business as usual, how's life? The child? work? Etc. I found it somewhat odd that she refrained from mentioning her old long lost friends. but I passed off such suspicions, assuming I was being silly, and shed more than likely tell me all about them when she returned home to me.

the night i picked her up at the airport, she smelled different to me. i thought i was being silly again, chalked it up to her being in a foreign land and consumption of foreign food. then we "made love"...i noticed RIGHT away, there was something different about the way she felt. the way she moved...and that smell was really puzzling to me. she had still not mentioned her friends to me and i was getting suspicious.

Finally she talked to me about them. She said it was uncomfortable. That too much time had passed between them and that they had basically grown apart.

so i let it be. a week went by and she seemed distant, sad, stand offish. i started to really wonder what was going on...then i started having dreams. weird dreams about her, and her ex boyfriend, kissing and laying in bed together...etc...i let it all go on for a month...then one night i had a very powerful dream that seemed so real, that i just came out and asked her," did something happen in Mexico that you're not telling me about?"

she laughed at me and told me how silly i was being. that after all this time she and i were so connected, and what with our son...well it was nothing but her me and him against the world...forever...i was looking at her, and there was just something in her eyes. something on her face, that just told me she wasn't being truthful. when she finished her speech that to me, lacked conviction, i simply came out and asked her. "so, there's nothing you want to tell me then?" i could feel myself on the verge of tears, and i didn't know why. she again assured me that my suspicions were false and she would NEVER do anything to compromise that.

well, i didn't believe her. and it was digging at me, cuz i have always had total faith in her. never questioned her actions etc. but that night, after she fell asleep, i went out to the computer and loaded up her screen name.

i found 40 to 50 letters shed written to him, or visa versa, all in Spanish. i don't speak Spanish.
so i had them all translated online. what i read blew me away. hours after she had left me, she went down there and got it on with the guy...then she proceeded to avoid her work duties and spent extra time with him in his home.

they copulated several times, and slept together in the same bed.

the next day, after discovering her letters, i again confronted her...only to have her again give me the spiel about her and i against the world...off to work she went...only to come home and ignore me till my son went to sleep, then break down and tell me that indeed she had been with another man.

there was this one specific letter that she wrote. in it she says how she doesn't feel guilt for being unfaithful, but rather, she feels sadness since she cannot be with him. she also stated how he was the man she has always wanted more than any other, and that she lives like a tortured woman, due to their inability to have a relationship with him.

that was three months ago. i found out on my birthday, and life has been turned upside down for me. ive always striven to be caring, open, and sensitive to her needs. in the bedroom i focus on her satisfaction before my own, and do my best damned job to make her feel like a perfect princess.

now, i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i find myself having bursts of jealousy...i question her actions, her whereabouts, her words...everything...how can i erase the fact that she wrote to him, stating he was the better man, pick up the pieces, and feel like i matter to her again?

She tells me she wrote that letter, whilst still feeling swept up in the romance of it all. What does this mean?

all i know is that everytime...and i mean everytime i had showed that i am saddened...upset, distraught, whatever...she gets upset and i end up consoling HER...its basically to the point now, where im not allowed to feel hurt anymore, cuz my hurt hurts her...i feel so confused, disrespected, passed over...now its a time thing...she wants to know how long its going to take me to get over it...

to move on...im feeling like im going to explode here, cuz i haven't even had a chance to begin the healing, due to her inability to allow me to vent, be upset, hurt, etc., when i am near her...i want to know what others have done...time wise...such as, how long does it take till its not so prevalent in your mind...how long did it take you to trust again...etc...i feel so hopeless and alone...no one to talk to about it all...

read my story in the same section and you will see that we suffer through many of the same expeiences - what seems to me key here is that your w was seeking to satisfy her emotional needs - and her romantic fling was just the trick - you need to quickly read Dr. Harley's guidelines - understand emotional needs and do the questionnaire - you sound a lot like me - but look into yourself - were you really meeting her needs or your own? you need to re-introduce romance back into your lives and overload her with massive affection and attention - good luck - i will stand by and hope for good fortune.

one addition - has she cut the OM off? if not, you have to start there - but from the sound of it - your relationship grew stale and she looked elsewhere to get what she needed - refocus your relationship and priorities - I did and it is working so far -

it will take longer for the pain and hurt to go away - but you must put this behind you -

good luck!

stale? nah, not at all? and i did the questionaire, and i assure you her needs were met, at least to the best of my abilities. in fact the more i read about a "perfect" relationship, the more i think about what her and i had before all of this. she was my best friend man. i talked to her about everything, and she felt safe enough to do the same. i make dinner everynight. i take care of our son, clean house, give back rubs, wash dishes, habitually. its our routine...or it was. i dunno man.

First, welcome to MB!

Secondly, read everything you can get your hands on re: adultery/infidelity. It's important to understand why these things happen.

Thirdly, if you and WW aren't in MC yet, then it's a good idea to start now. Your M is in crisis. Often M end due to A's a IC/MC can help the two of you pick up the pieces and try to bgin again. The pain in your post tells me you really need to go and talk to an experienced professional. That's not a bad thing (my FWH and I have spent thousands, so far), think of it as self improvement! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Fourthly!!For you to get over it will take time. The amount of time is highly individual, some take longer than others. A better question for her to ask is "What can I do to help you recover?" and NOT "How long are you going to take to recover?".

I will never trust my FWH as I used to...that's gone forever! It has been replaced with a different kind of trust. Every WS needs to remember that trust is something they lost due to their own actions. They need to work hard to earn it back. To be honest we should never blindly trust our spouse.

Fifth and finally! If you have ongoing negative feelings you may have situational depression (not uncommon in this situation), a doctor can help by prescribing anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication. They really do help to stabilize your emotions.

Remember, you are in shock and probably not thinking clearly. Don't make any hasty or important decisions at this point.

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

thanx for your time...im with ya with everything you had to say, cept the anti depression meds. that to me seems like a rash decision...other than that, your post was very helpful. ....peace

Her attitude shows that she feels no guilt or remorse for being unfaithful to you. In my opinion your wife is a "player". She wanted the perfect marriage and the perfect lover. To her the universe revolves around her. That is why she has not given you a chance to heal.She has no concern about your feelings .

The suggestion about anti-depressants was in case you found your symptoms lasting awhile (hence the use of the word 'ongoing' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). If you find yourself feeling better then great but, if your find you can't seem to 'claw' your way out, then consider them!