Both W and I have the same counselor. So far it's been working well.<P>Last Sat. night I caught W with the OM again and asked her leave. She said on several occasions she believed she needed to leave to sort things out so I feel I was 1) granting her request and 2) setting the boundry that we can't begin to reconcile until she stops the affair.<P>The counseling session was heated and we both got very angry. She still refuses to end the affair despite acknowledging that it's wrong. Now she is angry at me for asking her to leave.<P>I hate the powerlessness of this situation. Dr. H's Plan B calls for the betrayed spouse to cease all contact with the wayward W but we have young kids and her birthday is on Sat. Do I participate in the B-day for the sake of the kids? If I cease all contact, won't the "Out of sight, out of mind" theory dictate her actions? Or, may the bleak reality of the brokeness caused by her continued betrayal help her to hit bottom and finally repent?<P>Any thoughts- please help.

Hi Newman:<P>Ignore the "out of sight, out of mind" cliche. It's cancelled out by "absence makes the heart grow fonder". You never can tell which one will be true for a particular person in a particular situation.<P>I take issue with the popular theory that couples should act a certain way - any certain way - "for the sake of the kids". What they really mean is "for the sake of not feeling guilty about the kids". I'm sorry if that sounds bitter, my parents should have divorced long before they did. Kids are pretty perceptive, and it's not nearly as easy to hide things from them as most adults like to think. They will know something's wrong, and their imaginations will fill in what you and your W don't provide explanations for. I don't think there is much you can do to rebuild your marriage until your W is willing to get the OM out of the picture. I'm sorry, I have no idea what to say about that... it really is a hard situation for you. Any thoughts from anyone else?

NewMan,<P>I think the question should be, how long have you tried Plan A before you rush into Plan B. I'm no expert on the Plans.... I wish someone who is would reply. Therefore, I'm replying to "bring this up top" and hopefully you'll get some more help here!<P>Best wishes!!<P>