This is my first time posting a message. We have been married for 6 years and have a wonderfully lively 2 1/2" year old. I have read Dr. Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs", "Fall in Love Stay in Love" and numerous articles on this web site. Forgive me if I don't use all the shorthand, I am not familiar with all of them. Anyhow my W told me about 3 month's ago that she doesn't love me anymore. I know I have not been meeting her EN and then she has not met mine, etc. For the last year my W has been pretty much avoiding beeing with me. She works second shift part time at a hospital. First she would come home after work and watch TV and have a drink solo. Then she would do this even if she didn't work. I would get frustrated with the lack of effort she seemed to put into our relationship and would get angry and it would turn into a fight and we would deplete our LU accounts. I have asked her what I could do for her to make things better. She would get mad and tell me that I should know what she needs. The last 3 months she has been going out to bars or dance clubs dressed in sexy outfits and skimpy underware with her girl friends after work. Her new best friend is a recently divorced smoker with teenage children who works with my W. I have have tryed to talk to her and ask her to read the Dr. Harley books - she has no interest in that. She thinks a separation would be best because we don't love eachother and it is difficult raising our toddler. My W actually thinks it would be easier and best for our son to separate so we could each have more time if we each watch him half the week by ourselves. She went to a conference out of town last month with a "guy friend". This was the first I knew of him. She says they are just friends and have known eachother for a couple of years. I have asked my W directly at several different occassions if she is having an affair. She always denies it. I know I probably shouldn't snoop, but I have found out that she calls him almost everyday including a couple of time when we were on vacation. There are blocks of times missing from when she gets off of work and when she gets home. I do believe she is having an A. I am trying to use plan A, but I am tired of her getting her important EN met by him and other EN met by me. I am exhausting myself emotionally and physically. I know plan B is an option, but I am worried about my son. I watch my son pretty much every weekend and most evenings including putting him to bed everynight. My wife plops him in front of the TV in the morning and goes back to bed. I don't want a divorce, but things need to change. I don't think I can do what I am doing much longer. I feel I need to here the whole truth so I know where we are. I would like to believe my W, but there are just too many signs indicating an A. I'e already been through the gambit of emotions, but still on the emotional rollercoaster. I am running out of ideas.
dd

I'm coming on to let you know someone out here is reading - I don't know if I can help, but I understand how you feel.

It sounds to me like she is having an affair - all the signs are there. Have you suggested marriage counselling to her? Has your marriage always been rocky? Do you think she has other issues that make commitment difficult for her, or do you think she has been overwhelmed by the demands of being a parent? Some people find it hard with small children to "never have fun any more". Did she always like to go out to clubs and go dancing, and is this something she used to do with you, or did with you before you had children which you no longer do together?

I am not sure what to say but I wanted you to know that if you keep posting, I am sure that you will find support here. I am sure that coming to discuss things with the people on this forum who have had similar experiences has helped me to stay married, and I think I can say that things are finally improving between my H and I, after 18 rocky months.

Please stick around - i am sure someone else will look in here soon.

Take care,
LIR

Wow - you sound almost like Keven Spacey in the movie Shipping News.

Hi! I have gone through similar. I'm about 3-4 years past that.

My ex told me a few years back one day that he didnt love me and had never loved me. I begged him to go to counseling or ANYTHING to make it work. He said if he had ANY love in his heart for me he'd try but he couldnt be forced to feel something he didnt. He wanted to live in our daughter's room and do his own thing. I agreed because I was desperate to keep our marriage together. He did his thang goin out and getting all spiffy to hang at the "sports bar" and he pretty much had no care about my daughter nor I. I asked him to leave and then after a month of partying he came home. A week later he said he couldnt "try" and left again. A month later..he came back.
NOTHING ever changed. Of course I'm not dumb enough to think nothing happened when he was doing all that. But I couldnt handle knowing it either. I didnt want to know. I wanted my marriage ..good or bad.
a few yrs passed...a few unhappy years but we were together....I found proof that he'd been with a dating service. I found a list of phone numbers and a phone # in his cell phone for one of the girls ..saved in his contact list.

I understand your situation. You have to realize that if she is out doing her own thing with NO regard for you then she is most likely cheating. I know it's better not to know...trust me. When I didnt know he was doin anything shady I could handle it. Knowing is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Still to this day I think he is not being honest with me about what happened. I do not understand why the cheaters dont just admit it when they're confronted. Guess they want to keep the life they have at home and keep the life they are living secretly.
Your situation is hard because she expects you to be there AND deal with her being independent on her own.

I think as long as you let this continue it will keep dragging you down emotionally and physically from taking everything onto your shoulders. You deserve to be happy too. I really hope you will find peace with the situation soon. I do understand the difficulty with your situation.

despondent dad.

I'm not a doctor or presume to be one, but I noticed that her withdrawl from you started shortly after she had the baby and went back to work. Could she have developed post partum depression?

As far as her denying she's having an A(affair), it could be that just like a great majority of people she defines as an A involves having extramarital sex, and not simply a strong emotional attachment to another man.

You have essentially two choices. One is to divorce her and move on, and the second choice is to fight to save your M(marriage). No matter which one you chose, emotional upheaval is inescapable and how you deal with the said upheaval (constructively or destructively) will ultimately determine the fate of your M.

One final warning, beware of letting your emotions take control of your actions. Sometimes in an effort to avoid the pain that we are experiencing from the A, we end up reacting to it instead of acting out rationally planned behavior. We end up being just like the WS.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM,

Thanks for the 180 deg. list. I have failed at everyone, I printed it out and will now carry it with me, Thank's again.

I have to agree with TooMuch as far as your choices. Either one will cause pain, but in my opinion it isn't worth it to stay in a marriage unless your partner is willing to work also, but that's just me.

From what you have described, your wife in involved in some kind of affair. Now whether it's gone physical isn't really the issue. Her behavior is selfish and immature and hurtful. And because she won't stop, she is disrespecting you. If she isn't tellin you her troubles, you can just about guarantee she's telling someone and if she's calling this man everyday, what the heck could they be talking about?

First, Take care of you which is really what Plan A is all about..find out what YOU want, and go from there. I hope she will open up and be truthful and not make you "find" something.

Be strong, and I'm glad you're there for your son. I too have a toddler son.

Welcome- sorry you are here.

You have received lots of good advice, so I will not repeat it. Just want say you are among friends who undertand.