I've been suspicious but had no evidence.

In searching the temp files on the computer I found some of her e-mails. In one she states to a guy I think she might have had an affair with("hey Bright Eyes" that: I've kind of been a bit naughty...(I tried to be good...I swear!) But it's made some things at work a bit um, well, complicated...since it's my supervisor. it then goes on

In his reply he closes it saying it would be nice to see her at thanksgiving if she wants to hook up.

The problem is that I had to sneek this data out of the computer, and I don't really want to tell her where I got it. What now? I hate to show my hand and lose access to information.
But it has to stop.

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: why_o_why ]</small>

This is a tough one. I agree it is important not to tell her where you got the information but inform her you know about the affair and you will not accept it or her lying. Suggest counseling if she wishes to remain in a marriage.
Good Luck.

well, I "lied" (hell of a way to start the discussion) about getting the info, and have finally worked out of her that "she couldn't say that nothing ever happened, but she was not having an affair." "drunk and pissed at the world"...

I told her that I'd heard it was someone she worked with. She won't tell me who. I'm really disturbed by her lack of openness about that. We had a really long talk that night, and a really wonderful next day and evening. UNTIL, we went to a bar after seeing a movie, a couple of her co-workers (both males) stopped to say hello. This wouldn't have been so bad, except that I think she spends a fair amount of time with one of them (note: I didn't really think it was him however) I was very polite and handled myself fabulously until they left, and then could barely carry a conversation with my wife.

Eventually I told her that I didn't want to bring it up yet (I really didn't, it was a very good day) but that I needed more info, because every time I see her co-workers it will tear me apart wondering who. I'm afraid maybe she won't give me a name because she wouldn't know which name to give (multiple partners???)

She doesn't want to give up the info, and that makes me feel that she isn't really sorry about it, and maybe it isn't really over. I think I will draft a letter (on paper so I'm sure I cover all my points) and give it to her tonight or monday morning. I have to go out of town for a couple of days, and I hate to dump it on her. But I think it might be good to give her the time to realize I need to know.

I do believe she still loves me, and I don't think all is hopeless, but I really hate to be "that guy" who doesn't trust his wife anymore, it really tears me up to think that I can't trust her.
Thanks for listening

The policy of radical honesty is a must. What kind of a comment is that in that she could not say nothing happened but it was not an affair? I think the average person would conclude that she probably had sex with the guy but it is not constant so it is not an affair? The fact that she spends a lot of time with other men at work is not good either. I do not know how you can have a stable and secure relationship if she will not be honest with you about everything and who it was. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed she would want to know everything. In addition, you have to know everything to protect your health. I would insist that she take an a test for STD's. If she refuses to be honest with you then it becomes a cancer that will eat away at you. You will look at every man she speaks with and ask if this is the one. If you do not have honesty in a marriage or a relationship then you really have nothing. The attitude of your wife is really unacceptable. I hope you both seek counsling so your wife can see the value of being truthful. The fact that you now suspect the possiblity of multiple affairs indicates an STD test is essential before you should be intimate with your wife. I wish you luck.