My story is a long one so here it goes.

Sept 1 my wife told me she loved me, but was not in love with me. She said it would all be ok when she worked out the problem for herself. I had not beed paying the attention to her or giving her the affection she needed, I was usually on the computer or watching TV or playing with my Kids ages 4 and 6.

As the days and weeks went on, I was always nice and understanding, and affectionate. I sold my computer equipment and watched hardly any TV.
Soon she became more distant and it seemed the only emotion I was given was anger and hate. She started working till 7 or 8 at night, and she spent hardly any time with me or the kids.

Then came that she needed her space and that we should spend weekends apart. I now started questioning her with a A. She said absolutly not, because that happened in her previous marriage and she would never inflict that kind of hurt on someone. So day by day I thought it was me being paranoid, feeling guilty for asking and continued to work on myself to try and bring out the person she fell in love with in me.

I bought Relationship Rescue, read it cover to cover and said that she should read it too. She said OK. Well she never did, but something was eating at me that something was wrong. Everything I did got no reaction. So I decided I might as well see if something was going on, she would gaurd her work cell phone with her life and not let me in her car.
I bout a micro recorder and stuck it in our room. She wanted me to sleep in the guest bedroom for now. Well last Sunday while I took my Son to a local car show she called him. I listened to it Monday when I got home from work.

I remember hitting my knees and feeling a pain that is undescribable. The way she told him she loved him and missed him. How she misses having S with him. Her tone and sincerity was what I been wanting for the last 2 months.
Well it gets worse. That night he was in my house with me being on 20 feet down the hall. My son saw him sleeping with mommy, and he helped get my kids ready for school. This is hard to write, everytime I think of it.

I called my mom because I didn't know what to do. She called W parents and asked to come and get the kids, as not to involve them in case it got heated.

My family is only my mother who lives 4000 miles away, and I have dedicated everything to my family so I really don't have True friends I go out with anymore or can turn to.

When she got home that night she showed no guilt for me or a sincere apology. The only thing she was upset at was that her family knew and how she could never go home again. She did not want to talk about us and what this is going to do to me and the kids.

She went to work the next day and I could't believe it, the only thing she said was that he did't work with her and she is in love with him.

I was a basketcase, my W father said pack your things your coming to stay with us for a few days. I thankfully did, so me and the dis went up there. My W was not happy about that.

So after a day of cooling off she called and said it is over with OM. She told her mom it was the hardest thing she ever had to do, and cried. I couldn't help thinking "what about me and my pain, and what about the kids"

Anyway she said you need to come home so we can talk. In all honostly I was scared, I didn't know what to expect. Well when she got home she gave me a kiss and a long hug. It felt better again. But then she said here is the plan, No lawyers and we'll try a trial seperation. So we can both got to a different therapist then MC. However neither one of else can afford the house on our own so it would have to be sold. She said she would take the kids, and I would have them 3 or 4 days a week, and that would include a family night. She mentioned date night for her and me but she never wrote it down. She was writing everything down, who would get what, how much Child Support etc, I would question and she would say well it will all go back to the same place when we get back together again. I truely believed her at the time.

The she said she still needs her weekends away, so friday she packed her things and she was gone I havent been able to get a hold of her, and she still hasnt talked to the kids, who are still at her parents house. I'm really confused, It doesnt sound like she ended it with him. I'm loosing my mind and my heart. I love her with everthing in me, and I don't want to loose her and bring this man into my childrens life. I love them so. I bought surviving an affair, and read it last night..I have a Psych appoint on Weds to get AD's and talk. I'm loosing weight very fast. Since this start Sept 1 I've lost 48 pounds and sleep 3-4 hours a night...This hurts so bad and I don't know what to do...People what can I do.. She still won't tell me she loves me.

I am a bit confused. Did you say that your wife brought her OM into your home while you were sleeping 20 feet away and your child saw him sleeping with her. He then helped the child get dressed for school while you were still sleeping?
This is unbelievable.
I am afraid that she is still lying to you. Her demands are ridiculous and certainly is still seeing her OM. I know that this is hard but I strongly suggest you contact a lawyer and move for custody of your children. Her moral compass is totally destroyed and clearly does not care for you at all and is totally selfish. She just wants her parents to accept her again. Please protect yourself legally and financially. She seems to have no intention of changing her behavior. Her behavior is sick and totally humiliating and disrespecting to you. You and anybody deserves better than this. I wish you luck.

He was in the house when I was in the other room sleeping. My S saw them sleeping in the same bed and climbed into bed. Dont know if he got out, and moved downstairs thats unclear. But after I left for work he came into the room and offered to my wife to get him ready for school.

She just called and is on her way to pick up the kids. She said whe was with a friend all night, and was being really sweet and caring on the phone, she sounded like she had been crying, everything is so unclear right now. I don't know what to do.

I am sorry but that is the sickest and most humiliating thing I have ever read. I would contact a lawyer immediately and seek custody of your children. I would also contact child services and inform then what happened. Your wife lets your son crawl into bed with her lover while you are sleeping 20 feet away in another room and then he hides until you leave the house and then offers to help get your child ready for school. Your wife is a moral monster who should not be taking care of your children. This is the worst things I have ever heard of. Please contact a lawyer and then child services. She is a very sick person. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Need4concern, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have to agree with Bryan...you need to consult an attorney to protect yourself. The fact that she is writing down what she thinks is fair visitation and child support, but does not want to involve a lawyer, is kind of strange. Please protect yourself, just in case.

need4concern,

I reply to you on your other post .... Please consult w/ lawyer ASAP !!!!. 99.99% her A is still in progress ... those weekend is an A weekend for her ...

Read my post to you ... you have to do it quick to figure thing out, judging from your detail story you might have to do either tough love or plan B right away. Also please make an appoinment with MB ... your need proffesional to access your situation quickly and give you advice.

Hang in there and vent in here ... if you need to talk to someone, email me w/ your phone#, I will contact you. If you live in SF bayarea we could even meet and talk ... I just meet & talk with JR on Friday. -RH-

need4concern,

I agree - your W is probably still having the A. I also agree that something is very WRONG if she would sleep with her lover with your children present.

Also - know that all of us understand the pain you're feeling, we've been there. If someone has not been through the hurt of an A, they can not begin to comprehend what the betrayed spouse goes through. The sleepless nights, loosing weight, the crying & stress that is so severe it makes you sick. We know what you are feeling.

DO get the ADs - - they work - I'm living proof.

Unfortunately I have to agree - you should consult a lawyer to protect yourself. Though this situation could well work itself out in the long run - what you must understand is that at this time - your wife is only concerned with herself. If she is intent on pursuing this A - then it is up to you to look out for yourself and your children. If you've ever prayed - that's not a bad idea either. These things do often have a way of working out - though it may be hard to see at this time.

For now - take good care of yourself and your kids - We're all pullin for you.

God Bless

Strive

If it is true that your wife had sex with another man in your home while you were sleeping in the guest BR it shows a complete lack of respect for you and her marriage. Treating you as a fool is like pouring salt into a deep wound. Telling you that she wanted a trial separation during which time she wanted to sell the house and go away during weekends(where she cannot be reached) is further evidence that the affair is continuing. My advice is that you need to retain a divorce attorney to protect your interests. Her actions show that she cannot be trusted to keep her word. I would also hire a P.I. to follow her during the weekend to get the evidence that she is continuing the affair. You should keep a record of everything that your wife is doing and saying including committing adultery in your home while you and the children were home. This is important if and when the question of custody of your children comes up.
Get yourself under control by seeing a physician and getting a Rx for antidepressants. Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get your self esteem back. What you need to remember is that this is not the woman you fell in love with. This person may look like your wife but her actions shows that she is not the woman you thought she was. This woman is an alien Once you accept this it will be easier to deal with this situation. At this point you need to look at her as your enemy who will do you harm if given a chance.
You need to focus on yourself and learn to be a happy and fulfilled person whether or not this marriage survives.

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: tommaz ]</small>

I know everyone is probably right that the A is still going on. She keeps saying that things won't work if we are living together and that she needs to be by herself and with friends to help her get through the breakup of OM and to give us a chance. She says that the only reason she has not left yet because she feels I'm unstable and might do something to myself. I find myself wanting to talk about us and OM, and what he gave her, that I will try and give her. She says she doesn't want me to try right now, that she is not ready for herself to open up to let me in. She keeps saying where was all this a year ago when she needed it. I told her she is everything to me, and she came back with, you see I can't be everything to you, and that is what my problem is. She believes that there should be more to life than just your family, and that you have more to live for than just that. Is that insecurity talking on my part? Do I love my family too much? I would like to talk to an attorney, but I'm scared to death of loosing my children. She was a great mom at one time, and now it seems like that part of her is missing. She was once so caring and loving and cared nothing else but about other people. Now it looks like she is only out for herself. She said she learned that from me. I look at her and my eyes tear up, and I cant help it. I was once a strong person, before we met, self assure and independent. Somewhere in my marriage a became more dependent on her and my family. Does that make me a bad person. I try to talk to her, but she doesnt want to. Anyone have a good Plan A suggestion for right now, I know it's not over with OM, but she convinced me she wasn't having a A before, and I bought it. Now I want to believe her, just so I can keep her. We slept in the same room last night, no intimacy, I scratch her back and neck like I used to. No response, she just fell asleep. Help me with a good Plan A for now, do I act like nothing is wrong and treat her that way ? It is so hard not getting the response from her that I used to.
Ideas please !!!! I will see a attorney to find out my rights, but I don't know if I could loose my wife and my kids. She has always said she will never take away my kids, because they love me so. But then again I don't want to take them away from her either, she was once a great mom and what could cause this ? I found out a few weeks ago she has been diagnosed with Lupus, does that affect the brain ??? She started monthly shots for her treatment. That too is tough if she starts getting sick I want to be around her and take care of her. Man my heart and head is screwed up. How do I make all this go away and get my wife back ?

N4C,

First of all I want to commend you for posting. I know you are very very hurt and confused right now. This means it is ok to cry. It helps relieve some of the pent up frustration

Short sympathy time because now we need to get you back on your feet.

Know this:

1. Your W is babbling. Most of what she says is babble. You may have not been there for her but that does not give her the right to stop being a good mom.

2. We will help you see through her babble and keep you strong so you don't fall for her WS ploys.

3. Whether she realizes it or not, she is following the WS rules of the A which is anit-M and family. Know this because you will see more and more of it. That need to get away excuse is a perfect example.

4. Don't worry about keeping her from the children. If she is a real mom, she will not allow that to happen. If she does, it would be better that the children are with the loving parent instead of the uncaring one. I know this seems harsh but in some instances, the mothers who are the WS will even abandon their children. There are several examples of that even here at MB (the BS H posts here).

5. Get yourself to a good MC/IC. Call Steve or Jennifer ASAP. You need to keep your strength and focus sharp right now.

6. Depending on where you live exposure of the A to the lawyer or court system may give you leverage to keeping custody of the children. If she is exposing them to the OM, do a background search on him. Any outstanding warrants or crimminal history needs to be exposed and you need to protect your children. You don't want to deal with child abuse issues because the WS allows bad association. I don't mean to frighten you, just want you to be prepared.

7. Protect your financial status. If she is talking about moving out, make sure it is NOT with YOUR money or family money. If she tries to use the children as an excuse to extract $$ from you, check with your lawyer what your options are.

8. If your state allows the use of adultery as a means to help you keep custody, then learn your options. You many not have to go that route but when she threatens you it will not scare you as much if you know your options.

9. Build your support system and make it tight. Make sure you and your children are in constant communication. No matter how little, they know where the love is coming from.

10. Get yourself tested for STD. Don't take her word for it that the OM is safe. One of the things the doctors say is that for every woman the OM has had sex with you have also. In the sense that they can pass a disease through your W to you. YUCK!!!! Now don't freak out, just know this so that you will make yourself get tested and don't let her talk you out of it. In fact, if you can tell her to get tested also.

11. Now there is a ploy you can use........ make her wonder, put doubts about the OM in her mind. Don't feel guilty about it. She has already done that to you. These doubts will eat away at the A and may be your only defense at the moment. Think about it carefully. The getting STD testing is one of those ploys.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

I suggest that you read carefully what Orchid has written you for it makes a great deal of sense. I am just curious but did you ask your wife why she would bring her lover into her room with you sleeping 20 feet away in another room?
If your child could simply walk in on them then surely the possibility existed that you could have done the same thing. Did she wish for you to catch her? I am just guessing but is it possible that she wanted you to catch them and expected you to become violent so she could use it against you in court. I guess I am just amazed that you would so easily take her back in your bed after what she did to you in your home twenty feet away with you sleeping. Something seems so out of wack here then it simply seems too hard to believe.
Nevertheless if it true then follow Orchid's advise.

I saw a lawyer yesterday and gave hime the tape. The last thing in the world I want to do is take the kids away from their mother. I think I will go ahead and give her the verbal seperation. She is already painting the house and cleaning everything. We had a long talk last night. She assures me again that is over with OM, and started tearing up. However she said that she still does not have the feelings for me that she should. I told her that would take time, and that we should be fiends first, and work on it with a MC..She said she needs to work on herself first, before a MC, and she feels I'm pressuring her to see a MC. We talked about work and had really long and good conversations. It felt good and I think we are starting to build a friendship again. Hey it's a start and I know it's going to be a uphill walk. It is tough when she says she doesn't want to let me in to give her the chance to love me again. Babble yes, A still going on.Probably. However as I got into bed tears filled up my eyes because I know soon we won't be together and I will wake up alone, with no one to share my life with. No companionship anymore. Am I doing the right things here? I don't know. I had bad dreams again last night, and woke up emotional. Do all A's end ? Can I still hope with a good chance I'll have a family again. I want my family back !!!

I think you are still bemused; your thoughts are wondering in despair. You need to calm down and put a plan in place. I think it is best that you start individual counselling immediately so that you can do this. When your wife sees you calm and composed, she may want to join you and you will have a better chance of pulling your family back together.

Well all are you ready for this. I talked to Pschiatrist 2 days ago for about a half hour. He asked me a series of questions about my history and ilnesses.

I told him when I was young I was diagnosed with severe Hyperactivity, nowadays ADD. I was on Ritalin for treatment, and was weaned off of it at 16, saying that I grew out of it. He asked me if I did any drugs after that , and I said nothing heavy, the occasional MJ, which turned into almost everyday. It was a regular thing, it affected me different than most people, it made me feel normal in moderation. None of the classic symptoms, hunger, zoning in or out etc.
I told him this, he asked me if I still do. I said no, and I havent touched the stuff in almost 2.5 years.

Well that is about the time my wife noticed a change in me, introverted, lazy, unaffectionate lack of conversation with wife and other people.

Doc said the MJ was affecting my brain in a way that made me normal, he said you probably became addicted to it. I said yes it was a very hard thing to quit. Without it my brain had to learn to fuction without Ritalin or MJ. Hence led to withdrawing from being around people and a form of depression. The situation with my W affair escalated everything to a whole new level, and with my brain not able to process or balance the chemical xxxxx ( I dont remember neo something), sent me into a depression that could be considered life threatening.

So he prescribed me Effexor XR. I took it right after I got back to work. After 1 hour I thought something was wrong I felt normal, calm, ME of old, years ago, talking to everyone in the office, even people I don't know. I had to call the Dr. to find out if this should work this fast, because everything I had read said it take 4-6 weeks.. He said not in my case, it works immediately. All I can say is WOW. I will probably be on this the rest of my life he said.

Now what do I tell my wife. It appears the way I have acted is actually medical related. This make me feel even worse, that I screwed everything up. But I didn't know, how could I have known. Is too late? Don't get me wrong the pain and the hurt is still there I still love her despite everything she has done. I can do Plan A with more enthusiasm and dedication, and focus. I feel like me again, and I haven't felt this way in almost 3 years, but I hope it hasn't cost me everything to learn it.

Sorry about the spelling and grammer in the last post, adjusting to the meds. I probably went into too much detail as well, but it is truly an eye opener, and big explanation to my actions and behavior over the years.

I hope my W will understand and gimme the chance to show her the TRUE change in me, the me she fell in love with 7 years ago. Plan A will continue but with a focused mind and true heart.

I find myself looking back and seeing what I became 2 years ago. I wasn't a bad person but more of a half a person. I still believe that my W affair, whether it is over or still going was/is wrong in every sense of the word, But now I have a better understanding of the environment which led to it. It is going to be a interesting night tonight, I hope she will understand. But if I have learned one thing in all the posts I have read. Its ok to hope but not to expect.