Why do people stay with their cheating spouse, after having proof that they cheated? If I had definate proof, and I was absolutely sure that my SO cheated, I would leave. I couldn't be with someone who betrayed me, and knowing that they weren't happy with me. Why would you make yourself miserable by staying with this person, yet thinking of how they betrayed you? I don't understand! Cheating meaning having a physical or emotional affair with another person. Please enlighten me with your opinions, I am having trouble grasping this one (not being sarcastic, just curious).

Orion

If you have kids, you try to work it out. You're not just losing a marriage, you're losing a family. Still, if the wayward spouse continues to cheat, many betrayed spouse will give up eventually, kids or no kids.

Make_This_Work ,

this is what I always said before being in the situation. So this way my H(WS) thought that if I ever would find out about the affair he was having he was "positive", our marriage would be "over".

Well, now 21 months since D-D and having to of experienced this situation, I would say:
You usually don't do what you think you would.

I reacted totally different.

I didn't have an "angry outburst".
I didn't "kill" my husband.
I didn't "shoot" OW.
I didn't pack my bags and go.
I didn't want to ruin my H life.

It's difficult to explain why. But I will try my best.

It's just in my natur not to simply "give up". If I would of just packed my bags and left, I would of been missing what I have now.

I would of questioned myself some day and I would of been asking myself "What would of happened if I would of givin it a try?"

I had once promised my H "in good days and in bad days". And I wanted to prove that I keep my promise, no matter what.

I wanted to keep my pride and try my best. If our marriage would of ended, I would still have my pride and I still could always say to myself, that I gave my best.

In my heart, I knew that my H needed a "second" chance. I believe, everybody does.

I was aware that I too had made mistakes in our marriage and I wanted my H to realize this and I wanted him to see me without these mistakes. This made it possible for me to grow and become who I am now.
I haven't changed my personality, I have just worked on my "mistakes".

I wanted my H to understand me and I wanted him to love the woman that I really am. (hope this makes sence)
I had hid my feelings for many years. I had became distanted and I pushed him away for a long time. I just somehow "couldn't open up and show my true feelings. I hadn't given him the opputunity to really know who I was deep inside.

I wanted my H to experience me who I actually was "sexually". I was "embarrassed" many years of our marriage to really "live out" my sexual desires. I thought that many things would turn him off. Not that my "sexual fantasies" are obscene or not normal, I just didn't live what I was thinking or feeling.

So I guess when I realized that I too was not always completely open and honest in our marriage, I wanted to correct this. The "shock" of what had happened made this possible for me.
I gave my best and my H was overwhelmed.

Even though it is true that there was a time in our life when my H wasn't happy, he too has learned.

He told me a little while ago, that he admires me for the strength that I had. He's thankful that I didn't just pack up a go. He wouldn't ever of learnt and been able to be the man he is now without experiencing what we have went through. He is "positive" that he will never make the same mistake over again. He is more than happy with the life we now have and when he looks back, he can see how he has grown. (mentally)

I hope this helps you to understand "why" .

bb

I've JUST found out. And no I don't want to leave. I really thought I kick her [censored] out the door with a pile of lead flying at her and the other SOB.

After becoming physically ill when I found out, I was so crushed that I really don't have the strength for that much anger. I want to believe that she screwed up, and made a mistake that doesn't have to be the end. I will not be a door mat, definately not forever (I have/had some pride). But I have spent about 8 years committed to this relationship, and I can't see just giving up.
In the early years I had almost screwed up a couple of times, and I even considered (tried?) having an affair with one of her friends to try and force an end to the relationship. I had some weak moments that was only kept from being very bad by the work of others. I'm not completely sure of all the details in my current situation, but I'm listenting and willing to try and work things out.

Blossom nailed it on the head for me. I couldn't have said it better.

I'm not a quitter either. Some may see me as a "wimp" or "doormat" for not just walking away. That's what you're supposed to do,right?

Not this man. When I spoke those vows, I meant them.

It's ironic. On our wedding day, when the Minister was speaking to my Wife and I after we exchanged rings, he spoke to us and the congregation gathered there of the importance of "unconditional forgiveness" in marriage. I took those words to heart. When he spoke those words, he was looking at me. I couldn't figure out why he chose that topic for us. Or why he directed them at me. Now I know. It's my job to try to keep this family together, and to forgive, which I've done. Truly and from my heart.
It didn't happen overnight. My wife had a full blown affair and left me.

And guess what? After almost a year of separation and plan A & B who do you think is starting to call me again? Guess who decided to put the divorce on hold?

Yep, my wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nothing in life is guaranteed but if you want something badly enough, sometimes ya gotta earn it!

Good Luck and God Bless

Make_This_Work,

According to Harley, people stay because ...
1. They receive it before. or
2. They receive it now. or
3. They beleive that they will receive it in the future.

or any combination of the above ... if all of them present then A will not destroy M !!!.

it is ENs ....

Hope this help.
RH

Thank you to all who responded. I respect your opinions and choices to stay with your spouse! I am not here to critisize, I was just curious of how other people handle these situations. Most of you said that you will not give up and just walk away, but isn't having an affair (physical or emotional) giving up on the relationship or where you stand in a relationship (or marriage)? This is all so confusing to me, but there are SO many questions in my head about infedelity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am also very young (20), and have an older fiance' (33). I think he sees me as being younger also, though he says he doesn't think about it. Therefore, maybe he thinks I won't notice things that an older, more experienced person would in terms of cheating and lying. What do you think? On the leaving; if the situation presented itself, honestly I have NO clue what I would do. It is SO easy to judge a situation you have never experienced. I'm not saying I would just give up, but what if I went that extra mile and got counseling for the two of us, and gave it some much needed time? What if I still couldn't allow myself to get over it? Would that be just giving up as well? Of course, my first instinct wouldn't be to cry about it, but to do what one of you all ready mentioned (with all the bullets flying by his head). I think I would take it more out on the OW, than him. But then again, you can't hate someone whom you have never loved, either! If this makes sense to you all, please tell me your views!

Thanks again, Orion

Orion,

Many of us, BS, choose to try to stay until our love drained up. I choose to stay because I loved my W soo much and also I have 2 D that I love them dearly. I do beleive that if she is willing we could have a fullfiling M. Having saying this, I am walking away from M and I even push for change of status !. Get Dv status before CC/CS/SS/Asset division are finalized. I do not want my WW anymore, her action drained up my love for her.

What BS does is display of love and display of emotional strength ... many WS doesn't understand this let alone outsider lurking inside. Many BS waitted too long and their actions become enabeling A.

For you, my dear, please learn as much as you can about MB ... do 4 gifts of love to your fiance. Many of us envy your position.

Good luck -RH-

Why did I stay? Our children? NO. Our life style? NO. Our fincial situation? NO.

We have all of that and much more. We'd still have it even if divorced and apart.

I stayed because I love my H and he asked me to try. He loves me. Hard as that is to accept at times, he loved me before the affair, during the affair and after the affair. Just because he betrayed me, does in no way mean that he wanted our marriage to end. That was understood by both him and OW going into their affair. Neither wanted their marriages to end. But both wanted an outlet to avoid dealing with the problems in their marriages.

I love him, I stayed.