A lot has happened since the last posting, still taking the anti depressants but, they don't seem to be helping much anymore. I finally met the ex OW (now just best friends, yeah, I just came in on the last banana boat) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Anyway, to be a b***h, she is no way as gorgeous and beautiful as I had tortured myself with. It looks like she hit every branch on her way down from the ugly tree, which led me to the question, "Why the bloody hell did you sleep with her for"? Anyway, she came over our new house and everything, I managed to be polite, hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life might i add, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So now, because I have no friends or life over here in the U.S she's all like "Hey I feel bad for you, why don't we go shopping and you can come over to my house and try on some of my clothes", now, maybe I did come in on the last banana boat cos I sure missed the "Hey why don't we just be best buddies thing".

Anyway, to cut a long story short I find out that H has been giving her "Pecks" on the cheek and lips. WHY? Because he thought that if he flirted with her I'd want to do the 3some thing. ???????????????? The blokes logic way way messed up. So I'm upset now, because he even gave her a "Peck" while she was here and I was in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do and am so confused, sometimes, well, more lately he comes home from being out with her and is all over me and being nice and wanting to make love, which, again, makes me soooooo suspiscious. Yet he promises that nothing has happened since we were married 4 months ago. She is conveniently working the same shift as him at work and I'm so tired of being called "his supervisor" because of the internet porn thing, he tells me to "shut the f**k up" And tells me to "GO home because I don't like you and you p*ss me off" Only to turn around, hug me and say "I didn't mean it, I would never want you to go home".

Am confused. I'm tired and am starting to despise him because of what he's doing, he doesn't realise that he's driving me away.

I dunno what to do. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: Rachel20 ]</small>

Sorry, but I don't know much about your situation, so am at a lost on what advice I can give, but from only this post:

My first thought is to tell him that he is destroying the love that you hold for him by his actions. You can NOT control what he does, but by the same token he can NOT control what you do either.

I can only go from what is "right" to me and I would not be able to deal with what you are dealing with. I just couldn't. I do NOT have that type of strength. The fact that you have been able to is amazing to me.

Each of us decide for ourselves what we can accept and what we can't. In doing so, we make decisions which we have to live with. Be careful that the decisions you make you can live with. Some decisions suck the life right out of us, if we allow it.

I see your relationship as being emotionally abusive. Sorry jmho. It's controling, it's hurtful, and I'd be on the next jet back home.

Telling you to shut the fu#k up? Allowing OW in your home?
Wanting a threesome? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Run like hell!

I know it's not very MB advice but you are being abused.

I'm still new at all of this A thing, too, and also my WH stated his OW was just a "best friend" for so long that i believed him for 3 years. However, I have, over the past month, decided that I must follow my own advice that I give the teenagers I teach (I teach high school math).
Usually there is one day (maybe more, depending on what is relevent at the time) during the semester that I have a "discussion" with my students about life. I try to encourage them to make good choices in life--choices that they won't regret. But mostly, I try to make them understand that it is far more important to be true to yourself than to try to become something that someone else wants you to be (usually I try to incorporate this into resisting peer pressure, etc). I try to, without preaching, let them know that they are the ones who will have to live with their own choices, and to never let someone else (outside of their parents and other family members who genuinely have cared for them since birth) dictate who or what they should do. I, however, haven't heeded my own advice and have ended up being emotionally abused by my H on many occasions. I would defend him on many ccasions, also, when others saw how he treated me. I just chose to accept that was my lot in life. However, now that I'm away from it a little bit (5 weeks or so), I can say that I don't want to go back into a situation where I was not being valued as a human being. I want to be reconciled with H, but only if things change completely.
So, given this, it is MHO, you should truly think about your situation and be true to yourself. I can't make that decision for you, but I can tell you if you are true to yourself, you won't go wrong. IMHO, you should pray for God's will to be in your life, and make decisions accordingly.
Much luck to you, and best wishes.

rachel, if you haven't yet, run home! get the heck out of this toxic marriage before you drown in it! in order for your relationship to have a chance in the hot place of working out, both parties have to be willing to work! you can't fix this by yourself, not without a magical wand that will change the kind of person he is. he's having way to much fun hurting you for there to be much hope. he truly seems to take pleasure in causing you pain! and as for this ow, is she mentally stable? what do you say when she speaks to you? have you tried just staring at her and asking her what in the world makes her think you would ever want to have a conversation with someone like her? this little triangle she's helping to keep going is so sick, and your husband doesn't want to end it but to move into the bedroom. yeah, that will help the marriage! maybe then you can bring in another man because who knows how much that will help! see me rolling my eyes at some peoples thought process...

Baby Rachel,

Read about enablement and on the same website please read co-dependency.

H is passive/agressive type and mostly they are also abusive man. You have to get out of the house and stay clear from H. He has more personal issues that he has to sort it out. You have nothing to gain by staying there. Think about this bonus point ... if you are not there your H will start abusing OW not you !!!!. Right now OW get all the candy and you get all the abused.

You know what to do ... get the hell out of there. It doesn't mean the end of M but you need to separate from H for a while and think it over !. Also get a lawyer to counsel your right, there are complication since you are foreign citizen and you only have been in Seattle for a while. In CA you have to be resident for 6 months to be able to file. I am not saying that you should file I am telling you to seek legal counsel to protect yourself. Some lawyer will give you free$ 1 hour intake Q&A.

-RH-

Rachel,
I worry about you, are you OK?

Ditto that!

Almost

Hiya, yeah I'm ok, emotionally shattered but, doing good, have planned to go back to the mother land for my 21st, not till Jan, but, am so excited! I can't wait to see my family and mates again, told H he's not coming, not that he wanted to anyway! Ex OW now "best friend" seems excited that I'm going back, but to be honest my attitude now, even though it sounds like I've given up on it, is that if she wants him that bad she can have him, then he can do to her what he did to me and his ex wife. She's welcome to the emotional rollercoasters and verbal abuse! I'm not saying that I'm giving up on this marriage yet, but if something happens between them while i'm gone, good luck to the both of them. I wish I could care more, but am too tired at the mo, have stopped taking the anti depressants even tho I shouldn't have, and I have no energy, I'll have to go back on them tho, I can definately tell the difference when I stop taking them. Anyway, sorry to ramble! Take care everyone!