I was the one who was unfaithful yet, I seem to have lost trust as well. I seem to be looking for reasons on why she is always away from me. Since I hve returned to our home she goes out once a week and does not return home until the wee hours of the morning. I know she goes to a female co-workers house to drink with a bunch of her friends. One friend in particular is there. I never liked this guy to begin with but, while I was away he told her that he loved my wife. Ever since I my wife told me this I have been enraged with jealousy. My wife thinks I am being silly. He is just her friend. I do not believe she would ever do anything with this guy. I just want everything to work out between us. I love my wife dearly. So why do I have this feeling eating me alive?

I think of course you have a right to worry.
Your wife goes out to her girlfriends where there is this guy who professes love to your wife and they drink and do not come home until the wee hours of the morning and and this happens every week. I really think this is totally unacceptable for a married spouse to engage in this behavior. If people are drinking and they are partying in the wee hours it probably will be a matter of time before some sort of physical attraction will emerge. It sounds like your wife is acting as a single woman and not a married one. She is probably getting back at you. I would suggest you go with her to these parties. I would never feel comfortable having my wife drinking and partying with a group that includes a man who stated he loved her. It is a matter of time before something will happen. Read the boards and almost all of the time the eventually cheating spouse will always say to the betrayed spouse that you are being silly and we are just good friends. You are heading for disaster unless this stops. Good luck.

Why did you lose trust? Because you changed the options in the marriage when problems arise...and they always arise. You've opened a door which should never have been opened and now you fear that your W will go through it as you did.

The fear that the betrayer has after discovery is pretty normal. And while it's true that a few BS will indeed have a "revenge affair", most do not.

I do agree with the other poster. IF this is a weekly session with friends...why aren't you going at least some of the time? I believe that all parties in a marriage need some "apart time", I don't know that it needs to be on such a schedule as weekly. And regardless, you should be able to go some of the time.

Are you and your W going out each week together? Are you making plans to spend your free time as a couple? Are you showing her the attention, giving her the same amount of energy that you gave the xOW when you were involved in your affair? Are you pursuing your W? She NEEDS the extra attention, extra thought that you spent outside the marriage...spent on her.

Saying "I am sorry" isn't nearly enough for most of us. We need to see you focusing on "us" like you did on the OP. That means, calling often, email sweet nothings, holding her hand as you walk, a brief touch of the hand as you pass in the hall, etc. Make her KNOW that your thoughts are with her. (And make some couple plans for those "out night with co-workers" nights.)

As for this male "friend"...I'd put a "bee in his bonnet" and tell him that your W informed you of his statement...and that it should never be repeated in any form! jmho

An added twist to this situation is that I would be unable to join my wife in her weekly parties with her friends. You see the OW is known to all her co-workers. I used to work with my wife. This would most definitely be an awkward situation for my wife and I. Last night she went out for her weekly time with her friends. This was a change of days usually it was on thursdays but she felt the need to change it due to parent teacher conferences are scheduled for Thursday. She returned home this morning at 3:40 am. One thing she did that was out of character was she woke me up to give me a kiss before she left for work. Prior to my affair she used to do this all the time but, this action went by the wayside. She still would kiss me goodbye but only if I was awake. This is the first time she has awaken me to tell me goodbye in quite sometime. As far as her male friend maybe I am really naive but, I could never see my wife engaging in anything sexual with him. This guy is not the most attracted individual and my wife has even mentioned this when I questioned her about him. Additionally my wife does not have a very strong sex drive. Over the years of our marriage this has been a strong topic of conversation. This is one area of our marriage where we are total opposites. I would love to have sex ever day where my wife could go 6 months or more without it. During our marriage I have been the one to initiate sex nearly all the time. My wife may have done so 3 times during our 16 years of marriage. Needless to say this becomes even more of an issue now. I try to wait on her during this period. Every time I have try to even hold her she brings up the fact that I had an outside affair and she has visions of the OW. SHe states she has a difficult time with intimacy and if were to make love it would just be meaningless sex. I have been back for 3 months. Two weeks after I was back we had sex 4 days straight (morning and night) took a month off had sex one night and never again since.
I know this has been a rambling on and off the question but I had to get it off my chest. Help

Awkward or not...if your W has no problem "facing" these co-workers...then neither should you. Yes, it might be a tad uncomfortable...but showing a united front isn't a bad idea. Many couples have dealt with betrayals and if you are going to remain a couple, you just have to pull it up and face the world as a couple. The awkwardness would disappear once the co-workers realize and accept that the two of you are working through your problems...and it is none of their business!!!

As for sexual differences in a marriage....pretty normal. However, it must be a give and take situation for BOTH of you. That takes communicating with your spouse. Being less interested in sex after a betrayal is as normal as being more interested or staying the same. It sounds as if you and your W might need some outside guidence on how you can reach an agreement on this issue which will help both of you communicate your needs better, as this has been an on-going issue for much longer then the present problems involving the betrayal.

The attractiveness of the OP has very little to do with attraction TO the OP. There are many OW/OM who are not nearly as attractive as the spouse on the outside, just as there are an equal number of OP who are more attractive. Looks have little to do with affairs. Attention getting/giving...has a LOT to do with them.

She returned from her get together with her co-workers at 3:40 am. I noticed something rather unusual this afternoon. For some odd reason she decided to hand wash her panties at that odd hour. I'm not sure whether that is something I should be concerned with or if maybe she had some sort of accident (monthly visitor). I do know that I am very reluctant to discuss concerns of this nature with her. The response I get is "I am not the one who had an affair, I did nothing wrong to lose your trust". This has eaten me up all day. She had been asking what was wrong, that I was being so quiet and I could only say that nothing was wrong. To make matters worse she had to go away tonight for some work project. Had to pickup some kid over 2 hours away with a female co-worker. I feel pretty confident that is legitimate although there are several people below her that could have performed this evolution.

hmmmm...pretty clear that the two of you aren't communicating very well. You should be able to just ask her if "it's that time of the month"...if not, you'll likely be able to tell by inspection of the waste basket. I'd prefer the question, but up to you.

I'd be concerned about her being out with co-workers so much rather it's affair related or not. It does seem to be suspicious from what you've posted, I won't kid you about that. However, you said yourself that you have a fear of betrayal now, so...you can either tell her how you are feeling and be straight forward...or start snooping.

The drawback on snooping is that if she isn't doing anything wrong...it's really hard to prove a negative...and if she finds out about your actions...you better learn how to communicate in a hurry. But if there is something to find out...once a suspicious spouse begans to look...you'll find something.

Good Luck.

Thanks for your replies Just a Wifey. They really help alot. I really have no where else to turn.
I do know that it is that time of the month but, she has never hand washed her panties before. As far as snooping around I can only do that around the house. If I go near where she works or parties with her friends I will definitely be spotted and she will know immediately. I have found a thank you card from her male friend which thanked her for being a friend and also made mention of her thongs and push up bras. Again I dont like this one bit but, if I say something it will get blown off I am sure.

Well time for an update as limited as it may be. I decided to buy a rose for her. I placed it upon her pillow. She asked what was that for and I just said no particular reason. Her reply was simply thanks. No other mention was made. She got up early today to go do laundry. I asked if she wanted me to help and she said no because there wasn't much to do. I dont know what kind of response i was looking for from the rose. I guess maybe a hug or to be held. I know that I wasn't looking for sex although if that had come up I would have wondered if there was any meaning behind it. I have had the opportunity to really look at this. I have realized that this period in my life has most definitely broken me down far more than all the physical abuses I had endured as a child. One regret I have is it seems my wife is looking for an emotional display from me. In my childhood I was prohibited from crying when I would cry I would receive extreme ridicule and physical consequences from my step father. Needless to say tears that flow from my eyes are few and far between. I have explained this to my wife and she has a difficult time understanding this. She says that she and my children are not my step father and they are not going to beat me. Well I realize this however, after all these years its nearly impossible for me to force tears. Because I fail to show physical signs cannot cover up the fact that I am being literally torn apart on the inside.
I actually thought for a brief moment to write a book about my life in hopes my wife could understand some of my quirks. I would be fearful that she would place it in the fictional section.