Hi USH,
I read a bit of your most recent thread, not a lot, but here are my thoughts. Feel free to fill me in on stuff you think are significant that I might have missed.
First, let me say that I am not a Steve or Jenn fan as much as I am a strong advocate of Willard Harley's methods. And don't ever make the mistake of thinking they are the same simply because the name is.
Steve and Jenn are the kinder, gentler version, and I don't go for it. So anything I would say to you would be to the best of my ability in keeping with what WH has written or said. Why? Because I know that what WH says and does works. I myself and others I know (and their marriages) have been hurt a lot by dragging out the Plan A process or by not insisting on the conditions of recovery once the A ends. H and I counselled with both J and S at one time or another and it did not help. Following what WH told us to do, did.
I would highly suggest that you tune into the radio show that he is on with Joyce every Monday and Thursday at 1PMCT. That would be today!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I listen most weeks and take notes, keeping direct quotes if I can write fast enough! (And yes, I tend to be an obsessive student <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
Ok, so having said that, let me see if I have this right.
H had an A that you found out about in Jan of this year. And you thought there was n/c for the last several months. During which you were doing Plan A.
Can you tell me how you determined there was n/c? Did he go through w/d? Did you put methods of radical honesty and accountability in place? How was that monitored?
Is this someone that he works with? If that's the case, you really aren't in recovery until all contact is ended permanently.
Ok, so here are some things from Monday's show with WH and Joyce. I think they are pertinent to your situation.
A woman called in to say that her H was seeing another woman and trying to decide if he wanted to stay in the marriage or if he wanted to be with the OW. I believe they all worked in the same company, but not in the same dept.
His advice was that she tell their employer, many have constraints against forming workplace romances and many more against infidelity.
There was also the issue of he being her superior, so she could hold the threat of a harrassment lawsuit over his head. Very icky.
Anyway, the wife talked about her part in his having an affair and that she needed to do a better job of being a wife so that he would stop.
Harley stopped her right there and gave his usual very strong statement that although there are lots of reasons why people have affairs, there is NO EXCUSE. And that having a bunch of guilt and beating herself up was going to add to her pain.
He is a strong, strong advocate for the BS. He insists over and over that the thing the WS is doing is cruel and unconscionable, and that he does not want the BS to suffer any more than is absolutely necessary.
So, he reccomended to this woman that she go to Plan B immediately. Even going so far as to suggest that she ask to be transferred to another city, and packing up and leaving.
He made the point, and this so often gets forgotten, that until the affair ends and there is NO CONTACT, you cannot move ahead on restoring the marriage. This is the first step. It's vital. And the rest don't even bear talking about until you get to that point.
He also said something else that I hadn't heard before, but that I agree with completely. That if the errant spouse is deciding between the lover and the spouse, that you should definitely move to Plan B. Stop meeting needs, stop subjecting yourself to the pain and disrespect that the WS is dishing out.
Last week or the week before he was talking about Plan A and Plan B and that there needs to be a time limit for each of those.
For Plan A he said that men can usually last about 6 months, most women average about 3 WEEKS!!
Yes, that's right, 3 weeks. So, I think you are right in being in Plan B. There is no need whatsoever to continue to put yourself in the path of that kind of abuse. Especially as the n/c is questionable, and because it is the 2nd d-day.
So you did do a Plan B letter, right? And it included these things:
1. I love you
2. I married you for life, I want to stay married to you
3. This thing you are doing in too painful for me to bear and is destroying the feelings I have for you
4. To protect myself from the pain and to preserve the love I still have, I need to neither see nor speak to you until the A ends and there is a guarantee of n/c
5. At that point I am willing to discuss what it would take for the marriage to recover.
You should also send a copy of the same letter to the OW, with a note at the bottom that you hope she will do the right thing and end her R with your H. That she is contributing to the destruction of your marriage and your family.
I would also suggest that you tell your family, friends, church organization...etc.
I don't know if it was to the same woman on Monday or someone else, but Harley words were that where affairs were concerned, he thought it should be, "on the evening news."
As for going from Plan A to Plan B and back again?? That's just shooting yourself in the foot. You stated your boundaries, and laid out what it would take in order to have you in his life and then you are going to say.... well.... maybe not??
C'mon... any of us who are parents or teachers knows that's the sure way to garner disrespect. Nope, once you go to Plan B you stay there until the A ends and the conditions for recovery are agreed to, or you D.
Sure going back to Plan A might feel more hopeful, but all you're doing is giving the WS permission to continue to hurt you while you meet needs.
Hope that helps. Please let me know if what else I can answer for you. And don't forget..1pmCT today. You can listen livestream right on your computer... click the radio link above.
C
