I have been married for 15 years. Our marriage has not always been great , but I always felt that Since we loved each other , we would be okay. My Husband moved out in July of this year. He said he was in love with another woman. He said he needed some time to decide what he wanted to do. So, I said I would give him some time. In the meantime, I have been reading as much as I can and looking at myself to see how I caould change. He refuses to go to any counseling sessions. He still has access to my home. He comes and goes as he pleases and disappears on the weekends. He tells me that he still loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be married.

During this time , I have actively kept the lines of communication open. I have been loving and forgiving. I have spent the last 4 months looking at myself trying to rebuild my self-esteem. lose weight, etc. All to get this man to come back home. But he is playing this sick game of "who loves me best". I know I will not be able to get through the holidays this way. Can someone , please help me?

Dear blessing....
Snoop around on all the other posts and threads here. THere is so darn much great advise that has been written by members here! I highly recommend all of Dr. Harley's books. Have you read them? I don't think I am dealing with an A, so I don't have personal advise for you - but I will offer prayers...

Word of advice. You are doing all these great things for yourself to get this man back?? Then if that is true, it won't work. You have to make the changes in you for YOU, so you can be a better person for yourself. Only when you love yourself and take care of yourself can you love and take care of someone else.

I know. I learned the hardway. I am a WS and made the mistake of hurting my husband but I changed and became the best person I could be for ME so in turn I could be the best person I could be for him and for us both.

You must have confidence and pride in YOU before you can matter to anyone else. If he see's you knocking yourself out to "get him back"...he will play games. End the games and be the best YOU that you can be for yourself.

I wish you well. Please take care of yourself.

Zoey

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

JMHO...if he's out of the house...he should not have free access to YOUR home.

I agree completely with Zoey, improvements of self MUST be for self. Otherwise, it's a complete waste of time. Yes, others may benefit from your improvements, but that should only be a side benefit, not the goal.

Have you considered doing Plan B? He's been out of the house (more or less) for three months, if he hasn't figured out what he wants during this time, with you in the picture, maybe he needs to discover what it's like without you. JMHO

Hi Blessing,

Rather than look at what YOU can do to change, you should try to figure out how to communicate with your H one on one so that together, the two of you can figure out where to go from here. You, or your appearance is not to blame for his affair. There is a deeper reason, and simply losing weight, or changing facets of your personality that you think he doesn't like won't bring that reason to light or resolve it. You have to make sure that you are wanting to change for YOU, just as Zoey and JustAWifey have said. I agree 100%. You cannot change for another person--that simply enables him to carry all the control in the relationship.

My DH is a sex addict; I have been dealing with a recent affair and numerous one-night stands and liasons with prostitutes (for oral sex.) There were, at first, panic thoughts that I needed to change this or that, or become this or that kind of wife to keep him home. Then I realized that this was HIS addiction, not mine, and no matter what I tried to change, whether it be something in myself, or something that I could "do" for him, it would not change the fact that he had a disease. I stopped being an enabler and have been working on my own recovery. DH is also working on his--hopefully our recovery together will be successful, and our marriage will survive. It's a day-by-day situation, as I am sure you know.

Keeping the lines of communication open is a smart move; forgiving is too--as long as it doesn't make him think that he can "have his cake and eat it too." I am sure you have heard the term "cakeman." Well, as long as he is allowed to keep both of you women on a leash, he controls the situation. I agree with JAW that, since he is out of the house, maybe he should have a taste of what it is like to be without you. Being alone isn't easy--especially if you don't like yourself very much to begin with....

Take care and keep your chin up. Post here often--there is incredible insight on this board.

hugs!
my move

Thanks for the replys.I don't think I am trying to better myself just for WH. I truly do not want to have any M tell me I don't know how to treat him. I don't want to carry any baggge around with me. WH has said it is time to see a lawyer. I totally agree with you guys. It's time he did not have access to My home.

How do I handle this?