i received an annyomous letter on dec.12 2002. it was from a woman who worked in my husbands company and wanted me to know that my husband was having a close personal relationship with his assistant. after a weekend of denial he admitted to his affair. now this is a very smart (ivy league) man with a huge high profile job. he cried and said he loves me and wanted to stay. we have three kids 19, 16(special needs) and 11. we have been married for 20 years. this affair was going on for 9 months prior to discovery, he stayed home with me for the entire month of december with the agreement that when he went back to work he would not have her as his assistant. well he lied again. she was his assistant for the month of january. because i threw in the towel every other day (he says) he kept her on the back burner so to speak. i also lived in another state during this affair due to our son's special schooling needs. he came home every weekend but sometimes did not. he has always been such a man of integrity that this thing brought me to my knees. no body could believe this man would ever do such a thing. good father, seemingly happily married, adored me....you know. fast forward to today. i am living in the same state with him now, he has stopped seeing his assistant, however she still works there in another area...even got a promotion out of the deal. we have been seeing a marriage counselor who tells me i need to back off of him. i will push him away with my anger and reminders of what a bad thing is he has done. i still get the urge to flee once a week, and i just want happiness to come back into our lives. he says he wants our marriage to work. oh, i made him sign a post-nuptual agreement before i would come here to this state, which he did. that way i wouldn't be trapped here if he does it again and could take the kids with me.
it also hits him big time in the wallet.
when does the anger go away? when do i stop thinking of her with him? how do i fill his needs when i want to kill him?and he's not filling mine. he says i keep attacking him and it pushes him away. he says give it time. he promises it will come. in order to have this affair he had to "detach" from me and now he needs to re-attach.
i lost 25 pounds and all he can say is that i never looked this good in 20 years. so much focus on the outside.
it's been 10 months and i am so anxious to get things fixed. today. any suggestions out there?

sticks,

Welcome to MB, I am sorry that you are going through this right now. But most here will tell you it does get better. The only thing that can make things better though is time. It also depends on what you do with that time. If you believe your H will change and you want to save your M and your sanity the best thing to do is let yourself forgive. The only person you are hurting by not forgiving is yourself. You are depriving yourself of the happiness that you deserve. Letting go of your anger is hard to do but it becomes much eaiser once you realize that forgivness is a decision not a feeling. You can still be hurt, and allow yourself to grieve for the pain your spouse has caused, but once you give up resenting your spouse you become free.
I myself found it hard to forgive, but realized I was only torturing myself with the details of my H's A, instead of trying to concentrate on rebuilding my M.

I would suggest you read, read, read. Especially here, if you can get your H to come here that is even better. There are so many people on this board that can help. There were so many times I wanted to give up but MB helped me keep my focus on my goal - to repair my M and have a happy, successful relationship. Good Luck, and don't be afraid to ask MB all the questions you want, were all here for each other.

DU

Oh by the way at least you got a letter, some of the people here found out in other more horrible ways of their spouses' A, and then found out there were lots of "friends" that knew about the A and never said anything. At least the annyomous person told you, most BS's want to know.

DU

I read your poll, but couldn't answer as neither answered was something I could vote on.

The anger takes as long as it takes. Yes, there is a very real danger of doing even more damage to the marriage during this stage. Anger is a very draining emotion on us. It's a great one to get us up and motivated and doing something about things, but it can be almost addictive also. If your counselor has said that you need to "back off" some, then attempt to follow his/her advice. Began writting a journel especially to express your anger...it might help.

Actually, ten months is NOT a long time. I've heard the rule of thumb is twice the length of the affair before things really began to turn around for a couple. Since my H's affair was only 3 1/2 months...and I am still not completely "healed" at 27 months post d-day...I don't fit into the norm. I still think about his betrayal daily. I still have my angry moments, my crying spells. But...I am getting better each day. I take it one day at a time, I try to focus on what is good in our marriage and in the fact that my H loves me and that I love him.

I know you'd love a magical wand to wave and make everything right for you and your H, but there is no wand...but it can get better. You can have a more honest, more loving, more committed marriage...keep working on it with your spouse, your counselor and with yourself.

See you went on the "betrayed diet"...the "best" and "worst" diet anyone is ever forced into practicing...I lost 35#. I have finally regained most of that back.

Yes the WS often doesn't think about the affair partner nearly as often as the BS thinks about him/her. My H says he almost never thinks about that time (does not enjoy thinking about being stupid)...unless something happens and I bring it to mind. For him the affair was dead and over shortly after d-day, for me d-day was when the affair came to life...it was much harder for me to consign it to it's grave then it was for him.

Good Luck on your continuing healing path.