I have read your responses to other's and I like where you are coming from.
I seem to feel so much of what you are feeling.

It has been 9 months since I found out.
I'm trying not to bring it up, but I think about it everyday. My H claims he does not. Could this really be? How can WS not think about it daily?
Sometimes it overcomes me. I feel nothing, then as soon as I see his face upon returning home, I see him for the liar and cheater that he was.

He claims he loves me, and really messed up.

We have not began counseling yet, due to the fact that our daughter got very ill one month after the affair was opened up.
We have been trying to devote our time to her healing, and dealing with our own on the side.

All in All, I would say we are doing better than we had been in the past, but the A creeps in there from time to time.

If you have any words of wisdom to share, I would listen.

Thank you,
K

KEB...Yes, it's perfectly normal for you to think about "the bad times" and for your H to NOT think about them.

When we've done something wrong, we humans are very good at attempting to NOT think about them. The last thing we want to have to do is relive our errors in judgements, be faced with the sorrow that they have caused our loved ones each and every day. We really are very good at hiding for ourselves.

For the WS, the affair died at some point and they have grieved and moved on. For the BS however, the affair only came to life when it was discovered. We have a very hard time "killing" it and burying it ourselves.

I knew that while I was attempting to understand as much as I could about what went on, I was also keeping it "alive" for me. I couldn't let go until I had accepted a lot of things that I truly did not want to accept. I needed to understand as much as possible the whys and how we both came to this point in our marriage.

You're really in a catch-22, you don't want your H to think about "her", yet, to move forward on your healing path you need questions answered, you need to have your sorrow validated...and this means communication with your spouse.

You don't want him focusing on "her", yet you can't help focusing on the affair. And because you can't stop, you can't understand how he can. BUT he can! He messed up...he doesn't want to think about it, anymore then he is forced to.

I hope that your DD is doing much better. I am sure that her illness has made your own healing path much harder to find.

Healing from a betrayal takes up almost all of your time, thought, energy...since you had to deal with your DD's illness...I would be shocked if you have been able to honestly deal with all the emotions that come from betrayal. My best guess is that you've pushed them down and are hoping they will just magically disappear.

If at all possible, get into counseling of some sort. Having a non-combatant guide while dealing with the issues of betrayal can make your healing so much easier. Someone who can listen without feeling the pain. Someone who can point out options that we miss...even when they seem to be so in our face when pointed out.

Nine months really isn't such a long time. Healing takes the time it takes. Everyone has a different timeline. And you've had the added stress of your DD's illness.

"You see him for the liar and cheater that he was"....the most important word in that sentence is "WAS". Yes, he made a terrible mistake. One which turned your world upside down and swept all of your security supports away. BUT...between the two of you...you can make a better, more honest, more loving, more committed marriage....IF you both want.

Affairs seldom end marriages, attemtping to rebuild ends more. It's NOT easy...but it is worthwhile. It sounds as if you and your H are committed to making it...you can!

Just a wifey.....how do you forgive, move on, not talk or think about it if there's always the cloud of suspicion around? I don't even know if my husband is cheating or not. I am convinced he's not inlove with someone else because none of the signs that I often read about are there. I think he's more the ONS guy and he admits to nothing. Good at deflecting, lying, placing the blame on me for a variety of things, always tells me I overexagerate the situations....HMMMMMM. Interesting. If you follow your gut but there's no proof of anything then what do you forgive? Am I living in a fog? Am I so scared of what the unknown would bring that I can't leave? I go through this what if he's not cheating then I could possibly be throwing this all away and then I go through the opposite of "I feel that he's cheating even though there's no proof - just REAL strong gut instincts" and I can't live like this. I feel at times like I've wasted 10 years, that I've done all the reading, I've done all the self-improvement and he's just taking and taking and taking and I'm not sure I respect him anymore. He is comfortable but I wonder if I married the wrong guy and am just hanging on because I feel I should.

I've often read your posts and I like your responses....I'd like to hear anything you have to say.

Well...during the clouds of suspicion...WE did talk about it. A LOT! Much more then my H would have liked...and sometimes not as much as I wanted. I still don't pass a day where it isn't in my mind. But the pain isn't as sharp and has become in some ways bitter sweet. Forgiveness comes on it's own time schedule. It seems to come on "cat's paws" silently and without fanfare awaking one day in your heart. Moving on is something we take day by day, sometimes hour by hour. If we only focus upon what is behind us, we find ourselves falling into the pits set on our paths. We must face foreward and remember that while the past effects our futures...it is up to us to make sure that we control where we want to go.

I have no words of wisdom to those spouses who suspect, but are unable to discover one way or the other. I can't imagine a worst fate, to always question yourself and the one you love. You posted you "can't live like this"...that may be the right answer for you. But this is YOUR choice.

Have you informed your H that this is how you feel? Have you talked to him about how your suspicions is creating such distrust that you feel as if you might want out? Is he aware that you are feeling as if the respect is gone?

Talk to him!

Just a Wifey---
Thank you for writing me back some time ago. I have been so busy lately, and have not been able to get back here very often.

Your so wise. I'm sorry for you that you had to go through the same thing.

We are doing pretty well, but it's the same for me. I can't help but think about OW daily. Might be because I pass her everyday on the road.

The pain does lesson, but I still can't figure the whole thing out. I really don't think there is an answer to the WHY.

Hope you are doing well, and thank you again for your response. I truly appreciate your time.

K.

K...glad things are better. No, I also had to painfully accept that there was no satisfactory answer to "Why?" There were other options...but he didn't want to see them. He tried to answer, but nothing he ever said made it understandable for me. So I accepted that I would never know, because in reality...he truly doesn't know either. The betrayal is over. The marriage continues and it has become something we've know has gone through a terrible trail...but survived to become stronger for the scars.

Great to hear from you again.

I'm glad for you that your marriage is working for you. It gives me hope when I get confused.

Thank you again for talking to me.
K.