And if so, what does that cost? was it productive? Did you find out what you needed? Thanks.!

angelia...no I didn't need a PI. I do know of one woman who went this route, but do not know the cost...I assume it wasn't cheap. I do know that she felt it was worthwhile...whatever the cost. Am not for sure of what all she discovered, but do know that she was able to get copies of the xOWs cell phone bills. She also was given proof that her H could not deny...but am unclear as to what that proof consisted of. (Or else, I just don't remember...it's been awhile since I heard from her.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>And if so, what does that cost? was it productive? Did you find out what you needed? Thanks.!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be a gumshoes yourself. It is a lot cheaper plus a good help is hard to get. If you don't hire the best you don't do it. Theer are a lot of PI that prey on BS and run the tab.

What do you need to know ?. Could you put your profile out ?. I know every single detail of OM from phone# & license plate#. Orchid did hire a local PI, I think they are the best in south bay and very professional but it is very expensive !!!!.

-RH-

Redhat, if you want to read my weird story it's posted on the Does he think I'm stupid posting just a few ones from this one.

My problem with doing the work myself is that hubby doesn't have a cell phone - can't e-mail from work because he is in a position that doesn't use a computer andI'm quite sure he wouldn't do it at work - and like I said in that post, I don't b elieve he's having a love affair but I do believe he has one night stands. Most of the time he is home within 30 minutes of getting off work but every now and then and I mean maybe once every five/six months, he comes home hours late and this last time he had makeup on his shirt. So, how do I do the work myself and I even wonder if a PI could do it for me.

Just wanted to get some other people's ideas.....This site is so valuable!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>Most of the time he is home within 30 minutes of getting off work but every now and then and I mean maybe once every five/six months, he comes home hours late and this last time he had makeup on his shirt. So, how do I do the work myself and I even wonder if a PI could do it for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW is declaring a war on you, looks for more tardiness & more blunt "sign" comming to you. My take on this ?. Get help from Orchid and don't tolerate this transgression. Are you good at setting boundry ?. WH is getting comfi as cake eater. Read Enablement under my link & post back, I got more question for you. For now I will check your other post and reply back again here for snooping ideas.

-RH-

I read your section on enabling and not sure it applies to me but I'm listening anyway. I've never set boundaries at all in this marriage. Not sure how or what to set and certainly since I have no proof of anything.

I don't know fore sure there is an OW but something is going on. And yes, it's entirely possible that the makeup on his shirt was planted there on purpose and I said that to him....so, now he'll just be more careful.

So, back to boundaries....what do you mean more specifically?

Let him know that you don't tolerate those makeup on his shirt and let him know that a repecaution will happen if he does it again. About enablement, the fact that he lied a lot and you are buying his reasons, you are as matter of fact enabeling H to continue his behavior, possibly A.

Now, before we get into some snooping tips that you could use, let me ask you. Is he always a givers and you are always a takers ?. It seems that your ENs are fullfilled, how about his ?. Does H complaint often on something about you ?. What I am trying to tell you to do is plan A your H while you are figuring H out. Fill in LBQ/ENQ/RAQ for you and one for your H, if he is willing great but if he is not then you fill it for him. Eliminate LBs and increase LB$ via ENs/RA to your H. Think about what H issues about you in this M, make a list ... maybe as simple as having a latte ready when he get up from bed. Do them all, starting from the simple but effective LB$ ... Rule of thumb if H brought up the same issues more than 3x at different setting then those are qualify to be in your list.

Now about snooping ...
1. Buy a calender note book, start logging the incident and see if you could predict the pattern ...
2. Start recording also the millage of his car, before he goes to work and after he comes back ... see if you could have a pattern.
3. Go down to Good Guys or Circuit City or any electronic store, buy a VOR (voice activate recording) tape recorder. It comes w/ diff. brand and size. Get the one that will provide the longest recording time and also auto reverse. (if one side is running out, it is automatically reverse and use the other side)Plan it in your H car. Try it first to which location that will be the best. Buy extra tapes, you need it.

4. I would buy $99 background serach on your H from www.ussearch.com and run credit report on your H. Why ?. Just to make sure that he doesn't have hidden mailbox or secret accounts.

I hope it shows up nothing. There are more extreme way but it will cost more and you will have to know how to "bug" your H cars. Those four items above will get you busy. One warning ... whatever you find out, even sound of H & OW making out in the car .... promise me you won't confront H right away. Come back here, vent, and we regroup.

Good luck -RH-

Redhat: I will certainly fill out the questionnaires for him because he is not the "self-help" or counselor type. No way!

Question.....if he doesn't complain about ANYTHING on me then what? I have asked him many many times if there was anything that he could change about me what would it be....and his answer is "nothing". I love you the way you are and I'm happy. Hmmmmmm.

See why I think I'm crazy?

Okay, now about those voice recorders? Do they pick up all sound? what about stereos? Am I going to be wasting my time just listening to his stereo? I like the mileage idea and will also get a notebook. Thanks for those suggestions.

That's a hard promise to keep but I will certainly try. I probably screwed up by saying that the makeup was not gonna fly. If he is having an A or even a ONS then he will certainly be more careful from now on. Hmmmmmm. Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>Question.....if he doesn't complain about ANYTHING on me then what? I have asked him many many times if there was anything that he could change about me what would it be....and his answer is "nothing". I love you the way you are and I'm happy. Hmmmmmm.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is H a passive-agresive type ?. Then just see his actions/reactions on thing that you do, watch out for thing that upset him.

About the VOR, yes it will pick up but I found a place to put it such as side door compartment and hide it in between pile of maps, tape it under the seat and try it a few times to see which ones work for you. For starter if you could hear a strange female voice even you don't clearly hear what they are saying, those will be a starter. You could also buy a small microphone w/ it ... try it. Also I forget to mention that you could call the cell company, most of it keep the record for 2 years, you could get the detail copy of the calls out from those cell. Get the most frequent call to a number that you have no idea about.
-RH-

The cell phone wasn't in my name at all.....I once tried to get the detailed billing and they wouldn't give it to me because it was in his name....any other ideas? And why isn't there a 411 for cell phones? weird huh?

cell phone bills: Do you have a male who would be willing to pretent to be your H? Usually, they'll ask for billing information, SS#, then tell them that there is a problem with expense accounting and you need back copies of the bills. I had them faxed to me. Wasn't hard at all. Wasn't expensive either. You may have a charge for this, since the phone is no longer in service...be prepared with a credit card just in case. ONE that has both of your names on it.

As for the VOR...be sure that you have a safe place to hide it, if you do this. You don't want him to jump all over you when/if he finds it.

You might also want to check redail on your phone at home when he's been alone in the house and check caller ID menu to discover who has been calling your number when you aren't at home. If you don't have a phone that does this..get one.

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>The cell phone wasn't in my name at all.....I once tried to get the detailed billing and they wouldn't give it to me because it was in his name....any other ideas? And why isn't there a 411 for cell phones? weird huh?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know the# ? and which phone co is that ?. If you don't know the # you could pay via discreetdata.com to get the number. Then go online ... SBC will provide you w/ billing info online so does ATT. If not then you have all the info that you need, get a male to call them to send the detail billing. Check also w/ your home phone bill.

-rh-

A-

I hired a PI and think that it was extremely helpful in putting the A my WW was having out in the open for all to see. The cost was around 3 G's and I think that it gave me a powerful tool in negotiating a settlement with regards to house, retirement accounts, etc. (she wanted to avoid a hearing). It's painful to see the evidence but I'm a big believer in the need for the truth, whatever that might be, to come out.

bwcaw...Thanks for a real handle on the cost of hiring a PI. Most of us have heard of someone, but not many of us have had to go that route to discover the affair.

It's also true that if you're looking to have some leverage for a divorce if necessary, a PI could be money very well spent. Thanks again!

i looked into this

one PI wanted $75 per hour plus expenses. After hearing his lecture that "once they leave they never come back so face it your marriage is over" i decided to keep looking

another PI was going to charge me about the same but he understood that i wanted to find out information to use for exposure and theat i wanted to save my marraige if at all possible and i wouldn't tolerate hearing any talk against what I wanted.

both of them told me thati was looking at hours that might be spent with them just sitting and doing nothing but waiting.

my friend paid $2,500 for 3 days worth of "nothing" before she gave up.

do as much as you can yourself and plan wisely for the time and reasons that you want to use the PI to ge the most for your money

good luck

If the PI route is too expensive then maybe you could have a trusted friend that he doesn't know follow him every so often to see if they see anything that could help you. You can also buy or rent a GPS system and stick it under his car so you can see where he has been all day. From that you may start to see a new pattern and find out where to find more info like a place they meet or even her house.

As far as his cell phone bill goes, if you can manage to get ahold of his phone when he is sleeping then you can do what I did (My husband had the phone under his business name). I went online (this will work with Verizon Wireless and Sprint I think) and clicked the link that said that that I forgot my password. They will text message your phone with the password. So you just have to be able to have access to the phone to make sure it doesn't ring (they probably have it on mute anyway in case OP calls). You get the password and then delete the text message on the phone. I then used the password to log into the website and downloaded the call details. I also had a friend's husband call her number. He got her answering machine and got her name for me. From this I busted my husband, did a background check on the OW and got her address. SOme background checks will also give possible relatives of the OP that you may be able to use for exposure.

The OW lived only 3 miles from his work and when they had sex he left work a little bit early, went over there, had sex and was home only 30 minutes late. Just b/c he is home only 30 minutes from when he is suppossed to get off of work means nothing. I would check out everything. Your intuition is probably correct.

I wish you luck and I'm sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

Yes I hired a PI.He cost about $60 an hour. I went out of town and he followed my FWH around in the evening after he left work. It went on for a week.

It was very difficult because the PI would call me to find out where he would be and when, every day. He would also inform me of his whereabouts. So I would be sitting there at 11pm knowing he was at OW's house and imagining what they were doing. It was excruciating.

I was told that I would need to be able to show a judge that H and OW had the opportunity to "be together" at least 2 times if I was going to file for divorce with adultery as the reason. At that time I wasn't here so I didn't know about plan A or B or what not. I wanted to protect my kids and myself in case my H was leaving me. I also did it because I knew my H would not confess unless I had hard evidence.

I came home from my trip and confronted H. He ended the A immediately. It cost me a total of about $3000.

While using the PI, I could tell him to call it off for the night or I could arrange the PI to be in a specific spot at a specific time. They were flexible. Besides they need whatever input you can give them. It saves them time and you money.

Hope that helps.

Do not buy the "cassette" voice recorder...instead buy the digital voice recorder. Cassette recorders are obsolete, noisy (they tend to beep more and make a big sound upon auto reverse) and the playback quality is terrible. The new digital voice activated recorders will do the trick.

They are available at radio shack. Since you need to do a more long term survellance be sure to get a ton of batteries and the microphone adaptor. I'm not sure but see if you can get an external battery pack to plug into the a/c adaptor for MUCH longer battery life. Otherwise, you'll be changing out batteries all the time and might miss out on that ONE day your husband misbehaves.

Since this is a longterm snoop..I'd also suggest finding a way to really secure and hide the recorder (with battery) tucked away and use the microphone cord extension to get the mic strung up and near your husbands drivers seat. Up and under the drivers seat or up and under the dash with the microphone coming up the steering column.

This is much cheaper than a PI. If he's trolling for hookers you'll catch him. If he talks on a cell phone at all you'll get it. You may have to listen to some songs on the car radio but he'll turn it down to talk and you'll get a lot of information.

If that don't work. Try getting a gps system in place on his car. Still a lot cheaper than a PI and it can operate for months. Expensive ones can allow you to pinpoint his location on line in real time. The cheaper ones you just pull out the data card and insert into the computer for a detailed history after the fact.

Good luck,
Mr Wondering

As a matter 0f fact .... just did last night and found out what i needed !! he was 75/hr and used him for 4 hours .he got tape of them holding hands...of course h still playing innocenti but I said something was fishy but didn't mention hand holding p.i. got on tape. he comes home tonight and not sure how it will unfold but don't want to get in a pissing match with him til tape arrives...overnighted today..guess i'll invite him to come see something on the computer. sure he'll flip out that i had a p..i. -of course trying to take heat off of himself.. another reason not to bring it up tonight is he'll keep playing hurt by my theories and dig his hole deeper LOL
found the p.i. on the internet and after calling several had good feeling ... he even called me after he drove home thinking of gameplan for me . i would recommend a p.i. in a instant