Hi,
The day before yesterday I had sex with a man that I thought I loved. I felt such guilt afterwards that I had to tell my husband right away. I have been having an affair with this man for about 6 months prior mostly through internet but also on the phone and meeting as well but didnt get too intimate until the other night. I feel just sick over this like I cant do anything. I have four children and must take care of them but I feel sad that I lost this other man even as a friend. We have agreed not to contact each other which is so hard for me. I am also hurting for my husband. Although our marriage is not good I still care for him. I just feel like I have made a mess of everything. I have lost a good friewnd and betrayed my husband. My husband is the only one I have ever been with. I am an emotional wreck. Help
Debjjj

Dear Deb
I dont know If I can be of much help.
But I do understand what you and your H will be going through
I found out a few months ago A bout my W's A
I had to corner her to get her to admit it in telling you H I believe you have made an important first step. yestertday I poasted in the "In recovery" group and was referd to an article you can find at http://www.findarticles.com search for "Shatterd vows". It may be of some help also I have read several books. Surviving an Affair By Dr Harley
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
And plan on reading Torn Usunder and After the Affair.
the main suggetions I would make would be to keep being Honest, Read. and Poast here. and find a few self help books you can read w or w/o wour H
also M/C has been some help for me and My WS.

deb,
sorry that you are going thru this.
It must be hard to handle all this guilt.
You are human and you made a mistake. Don't continue the mistake. You realise now what you have, good for you.
You know marriage needs work. You both can do this together. Thing is, if you feel strong enough and want to tell your husband DO IT. Don't wait for him to find out.
It is the secrecy that hurts a whole lot more.
That being said do read Harley's concepts as there is a section on when not to reveal the A.
Such as an abusive husband etc.

Good luck and god bless.

Your husband will be going through a lot of confusion and emotional pain right now due to finding out about the affair. Be very patient with him and understand that he may want to work things out one minute and to divorce you the next. You owe him complete honesty at this point, so answer his questions and hide nothing. If you want to rebuild your marriage, you will need to immediately cease all contact with the man that you had the affair with. No matter how painful it may seem, if things are to work out in your marriage there is no room in the picture for the other man. My wife had a situation very similar to yours, so I speak from experience. You have made a mistake that many, many others before you have also made. Your husband was not meeting your emotional needs and the other man was, which helped to turn the emotional affair into a physical one. This is a very common situation. Your husband will need to realize that his actions helped to allow this affair to happen, though he may not want to see it that way. Men think that as long as we are moving up the corporate ladder, and we are having sex, that all is well at home. That was how I opened the door for my wife to have an affair. You, or your husband, may need to ask your doctor for medication to help ease the mood swings and emotional pain. I am still taking Xanax every day, though I feel that I need it less and less each day. I am currently reading Surviving an Affair from this site and it has illuminated how my actions contributed to the affair, a real eye opener for me. There will be a lot of tears, but if your husband is willing, your marriage will be stronger and better than it ever was if you work on it. I hope this helps.

Thank you for your responses,
I feel as if my husband will make it. But it will take time. I am having a really hard time letting go of the OM but telling my husband everything helps. We also see a counselor once a week and this is the week we go together. Boy do we have alot to share. I wish I could turn back time and undo what I have done. But I cant I can only move on and try to rebuild what my husband and I once had. The OM is also married and will not tell his wife. My husband wants to call her but I am discouraging him from doing that. It wouldnt solve anything he is just hurt and angry. I hope we make it. 13 years of marriage and 4 beautiful children is not worth divorce.
debjjjh