Hey gang.... feeling pretty low this morning.
Long story short, my SO has a history of internet based A's all EA. He wisely chooses people who live far away from us. I've caught him several times by useing logging software. Each time I confront it turns into a HUGE argument, where he starts thowing my stuff in a pile and telling me to leave because I don't love him. He rages at me that I'm trying to control his life and tells me to get out. The arguements last for hours on end.
In the end he calms down and we are able to talk about why this is going on and it's affects on me. He has admitted that he knows it's wrong, he wouldn't want me doing it, that he suspects that he has an addiction of sorts to the emotional rush and ego boost, and that his self esteem issues are at the heart of it all.

It's been a very quiet 6 months, he's seemed more happy, more grounded, happier with himself. I've been keeping an eye out, because each time I look and there's nothing there, another brick of trust is rebuilt.

Well that's gone all to hell now, he's chatting and e-mailing women again, posing as a single man. Nothing racy yet, but it's heading in that direction.

I want to scream, cry and throw up all at the same time. I've recently lost my job, I can't move out, he purchased the house 2 months before my D and I moved in, so I can't toss him out. I'm doing my best to plan A him, but his "relationship" with this woman is growing.

I fear the source of what drives him to do this is larger than I can handle. That he isn't strong enough or willing to confront the demons that drive him to self medicate his shattered self esteem.

Outwardly you wouldn't think there's anything wrong, he's very loving, affectionate, we have fun together, laugh play.....all of it. He's bonded wonderfullly with D. I just don't understand at all. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for listening.... K

Dear Ctrl,
Been there, can certainly feel for you. Are you on AOL?? real LB there. four years ago, I found out about my H's first online affair, made me sick. How we ever survived that i will never know. He felt it wasn't a REAL affair, because it was thru the computer, "not like I physically screwed her" attitude.

back then, and most recently again, he has stopped using the computer, first time, we got rid of aol, which makes it soo easy to do these things, and I fear we will be losing aol again. I'm a big quilter, so I love the quilt chat on aol, but I will give that up again, if it will save my marriage.

IF he wants this to work, then he must give it up, with counseling for sure, or cold turkey. At least my H was truthful about being married.

good luck, I feel your pain, wish I could help more.
SSF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has admitted that he knows it's wrong, he wouldn't want me doing it, that he suspects that he has an addiction of sorts to the emotional rush and ego boost, and that his self esteem issues are at the heart of it all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he willing to go to counseling?

Sounds like his needs aren't being met......possible that he doesn't really knkow exactly what his needs are....therefore you can't meet them.

I've been on both sides of this particular fence myself. Though I loved my H with everything that I had.....he wasn't meeting my needs the way I needed them met.....so I searched (unkowingly) for someone that would.

It's a cycle that won't break until he's willing to either give up the computer.....or get help.

Hi LKFandSSF&#8230;thank you for the reply. No we aren&#8217;t on AOL. I think you can find these sorts of situations with any connection provided you want it badly enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He knows how I feel about these situations, we&#8217;ve been down this road 5 times now, each time I find out, we blow up and then stick together with his promises of it never happening again. But we&#8217;ve never been able to do anything with the root cause, his self esteem. My hope is that this time will be different. (yup, I&#8217;m nuts) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Miss Priss&#8230;. About his needs not being met, I honestly do not thing that it&#8217;s physically possible for anyone to fulfill all of his emotional needs. I&#8217;m not trying to sound mean, but he&#8217;s got such low self esteem that even if I mildly disagree or don&#8217;t respond to him immediately he thinks I&#8217;m angry at him, don&#8217;t love him anymore and am going to leave him. That is the complete truth. I&#8217;ve gotten to the point where I just can&#8217;t keep constantly feeding his esteem engine (pun intended) but that&#8217;s what it&#8217;s really like, it&#8217;s a big gaping hole that is forever empty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He&#8217;s always refused couples counseling in the past. He has gone on his own, that was 2 years ago, he stopped when we had to move and never found another counselor. Again, from what he told me about his conversations with the counselor, he was using the sessions to feed the esteem engine and not really looking at WHY he is so empty.

We need to learn how to rebuild or friendship, that&#8217;s something we both agree on and are willing to work towards. We used to talk about everything, now he hides and shuts me down when I try. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If there is one need that we&#8217;re both lacking, it&#8217;s that intimacy you feel when you know you can talk to your partner about anything. I WANT THAT BACK!

I hope I get it, I hope we both do.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />