This is a long one, but can't find anything that fits our situation, not sure how to do this, new member here. Hope someone can help us out here.

Married almost 8 years, married one year to day we met. I had one previous marriage, H, first one. Have a D age 7 next month.

MIL lives with us, has been here since had cancer five years ago, minus one year she lived in apt. Moved back in 18 months ago "for 6 mos to save for own house".

four yrs ago, H had internet affair, that totally devastated me. I don't know how we kept it together. things never really got back to normal. anyway, since July, things even worse, not really fighting, just living totally seperate lives. seldom having sex, usually not even eating together, not excited to come home, both of us dreaded it.

I asked H one night before we went to sleep if he still loved me...he said he didn't think so. I asked if he wanted me to leave, he said would be for the best.

I calmly made plans to leave, was going to do so after the holidays. H did everything he could to help me, even as far as telling me I could take whatever I needed. I just didn't care. Guess i had given up long ago. Anyway, MIL was cleaning kitchen one day, I was looking at apt book, and she was totally different person. even humming. It hit me then that if I left, she would win. I had always liked her, we have lots in common, considered her my best friend. But all of a sudden, it hit me, there in the kitchen, that she was winning H.

I decided to fight back, was keeping him. I do truly love my husband. Kept asking him if we could work on this, he kept saying it wouldn't matter, swore there was no OW. finally asked him if it would be ok if we still had sex, after all, both clean, world a mess, still needed it. Guess that woke him up.

Thats when I found MB. that night in fact. I was floored, here was our help. showed it to H. He agreed our marriage was worth saving.

couple nights later, i worked late, got home shortly after 11 pm. His mom ripped him a new one that night. You see, H told me that she was willing to spend 6 mos at BIL's if it would help us.. I mentioned that morning that maybe if she would just go out every other weekend, she wouldn't need to make the drive to work every day ( 1 1/2 hours). She took it that i was kicking her out of house. needless to say, while she was tearing into him, she told him she hated me, always has, that i was manipulative, conniving, selfish, *****, and that this marriage would never work.

He told me all this that night. that's been almost a month ago now.

since then, I have found out there was OW after all...same as before, only heavier. Internet affair. cept this time, there were phone conversations, and he sent pics to her. We are in VA, OW is in SC.

a week after he agreed to work on marriage, i came home, he was very upset, had written me letter that he gave to me. In it, he told me about OW, and how he wrestled with himself over how to tell me, that policy of RH needed to be done, and that he wouldn't of told so soon, but that OW threathened to send all emails and pics to me.

where the first A really floored me, this one didn't even faze me, and that i don't understand. I guess i knew. I also realized that to me the OW is his mom, always was, always will be. Which blows the theory that you can never see or talk to OP again.

He has told him mom she needs to leave. she was going to move to bil's house, but there was big blow up and that is out now. she told H that it would be 18 months before she could afford to move out now.

Yes, there are alot of other issues to deal with besides her, but she is the prime one. Especially since i no longer trust her, after fnding out she hates my guts, and has for almost nine years. I feel very uncomfortable around her. We have no privacy in this house, never know when she will head to the kitchen, etc.

other than her, i think we are on a good track with this marriage, we have bought all the books, etc, and are working hard on this. getting along better than ever before. the POJA is all fine and good, but we both agree that this one is a doosy, HE can't kick her out, that would cause rift between him and her, I can't kick her out, he would never forgive that, and she isn't gonna kick herself out, heck, living here rent free is too good.

Any suggestions??? I'm not sure if this will be posted in right spot, for that matter where it will get posted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just know I haven't read anything anywhere about the MIL living with you. btw, she makes much more money than i do, and If I could move out, I feel she could too. But she insists she wants house, and to pay off all her bills, will take time, and bankruptcy is out of ? or she would never get house. To me, this is a no-win no-win situation for us, a win win for her.

I appreciate any help you can all give here.

btw, for all those Wayward Spouse Wannabe's...internet affairs ARE the same as those in person, at least to the spouse left behind. PS...he no longer has access to AOL, does have access to out internet browser, but moved puter into my sewing room so would be with me if he was online. I have checked his aol account, and the OW is still emailing him, last email less than week ago, I did tell him bout it, even read them to him, then replied to her, told her yet again, to buzz off...will be getting rid of aol yet again i guess.

SSF

Just to add a bit to that, i am 43, H is 37, and his mom is only 55....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LKFandSSF:
<strong>Just to add a bit to that, i am 43, H is 37, and his mom is only 55....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SSF,

Welcome to MB, learn & read as much as you can. Follow 4 gifts of love or 4 rule of recovery to better your M. Read section on How A should ends and follow it w/ no exceptions.
JMVHO. Looking at your age and MIL's in contrast to H, I guess MIL & you are fighting to fillin one of his ENs. However, you should not feel that MIL is OW. If you search on Q&A in this site about MIL ... it is common. If you read and learn about MB ... you better make peace with MIL !. You will score LB$ in H, guarantee !. Beside having MIL around should help both of you to have the luxery of having family member to watch your kids on the night for both of you to take a breather.

-rh-

What does your H say about his mom? Does he want her out of the house? If you're both in agreement...find her an apartment...and tell her it's time to go...it's your home, not hers, unless you want it to be.

IF your H is not willing to do this, then you may well be in a no-win situation. Family members can destroy a marriage. It is his mom...and he should take responsibilty for dealing with her. If he can't make the focus of your and his partnership over and above his duties as a son...

Good Luck!

Hi,
My humble opinion is that MIL needs to leave immediately. It's not a healthy situation for all involved. A husband and wife have agreed to forsake all others, and the MIL needs to go in order to allow your marriage to heal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks to all who anwsered..wish there was an easy anwser. but, that's life, no easy anwsers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LKFandSSF:
<strong>thanks to all who anwsered..wish there was an easy anwser. but, that's life, no easy anwsers.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Horse & carriage ... you married H and he came with package. Like my ancestor say, when you married to SO, you married to SO's family also. The most important here is you have to do POJA (w/ H) in anything to do w/ MIL otherwise you are heading for trouble.

-rh-

H has read this and feels I have left a lot out, so I will give more info here.

MIL has paid over the years, for a lot of stuff that we couldn't afford. This past year things got a little tight with us, and she helped pay for groceries, etc. She has also bought a fair amount of stuff for our house.

So, money wise, alot of her financial problems our because of us. I'm not much into the financial aspects of our life, didn't realize how many bills we really had I guess. I know I could have put a stop to a lot of the purchases, and years ago, I did try to stop alot of them, but lately, I just didn't care anymore. Since then, I have tried to pay more attention to the money side of things, but it's coming slowly.

MIL was there for the birth of our child. I grew up very close to my grandmother, and I always wanted that relationship for my children, and this one is the only one who has had the chance. I have two older kids, s-19 d-17 who live with their dad. Their grandparents live in another state, and my parents both died while I was pregnant with my last child.

MIL was never close with her mother either. She also is divorced. Has just the two sons, my H and my bil. So basically, we are the only family we have.

I know my MIL has done a lot for us, but I also feel we have done a lot for her too. When she got cancer, it was perferated colon cancer, docs figured it busted about a week before she went in to hospital. Was in hospital for gosh, 13 days, while there, H and I talked about it, decided the only way we could do this was to move her in with us. She had year of heavy chemo, worked full time thru the first 6-8 months of it. Five years later, she still isn't up to what she was before, but then again, she is five years older too. She did get apt of her own a few years ago, and was doing well. She wanted her own house. So we agreed that she could move back in, at that time, it was supposed to be for six months to pay down her bills, and save for deposit.

Then came Sept 11. Needless to say, that was that. She is in the airline business, so her job was not secure anymore. Thats when I knew she wouldn't be moving out.

Alot of the problems could of been prevented if H and I would of realized before where we were. He would talk to his mom, and sometimes I would never even hear anything about what they talked about. She was filling his conversation needs, and I wasn't. They went shopping together all the time, I never went. Granted, I didn't like shopping, but I would have gone anyway.

I know it's not all her fault, I've never said that it was. If anything, I blame myself more than anyone, because I let it happen. I saw it and I didn't stop it because I didn't know how.

More times than I care to count, I have felt like the third wheel in this relationship. Yes, it's getting better now, H and I are doing more together, and spending more time together, but I still feel very uncomfortable around MIL. I know it's a major LB to H for me to feel that way, but I haven't really come to terms with it yet. I try, and that's all I can do now. I don't get up and leave the room when she enters, nothing like that. I just don't chose to start conversations with her like I used to.

Sorry this has been so long. and thanks for listening.

It seems that instead of talking around each other, why don't the three of you sit and discuss the situation. The two of you could inform her that you want to rebuild your marriage, that you appreciate all that she has done for you, and that the goal would be for everyone find a place to live where they would be happy. If she knows that securing her place there would mean getting along and being supportive, I suspect her attitude would change. As he is probably her only male companionship, why not encourage her to get involved within the community. Find a church that has activities for older single people. It seems that all of you have forgotten that you're family...you're all playing tug of war against each other instead of building a united front. The BIL would also be a source of assistance. I think instead of taking the attitude of getting rid of her, take the attitude of not only repairing your marriage but the whole family.

LKFandSSF
Several months after my mother died, my father had to retire due to his terrible heart condition. He lived downstate at the time and hated it there. So, we agreed that he could live with us for awhile till he found something.
(I didn't know he was given prognosis of only living 6 months or more..he never told us.)
Anyway, we lived in a very small house at the time with only two bedrooms, of which we did give one to him. He had trouble sleeping because of his congestive heart failure and would sit up in the recliner to sleep, which was fine if it was in his room. He kept moving the recliner out to he outside of our bedroom door. (Oh, our young son also slept in his room when he wasn't sleeping with us.) Needless to say, it caused a lot of problems. I mean he was right outside our door all the time. I was uncomfortable, H was uncomfortable, etc. (Other problems too...dad was so stubborn about stuff...wouldn't bathe, etc...the old (he is getting old sort of thing although he was only 62 at the time).
H told me I had to tell him to move somewhere else. So I told him. I shook for days before and I shook when I told him. I cried, said it just wasn't good for us, he'd be happier in his own home, etc.
He did find a house down the street and moved in. So I was still able to help with housework and seeing that he had medical needs taken care of. I think he resented me for awhile but since I knew I was his favorite daughter and continued to show support to him in other ways, he came around. He was very angry with me for some time. In the end, he WAS happier although he only lived maybe another 9 months. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I was petrified at the time, but grit my teeth and did it.
Surely your mil has to grant that you have been more than supportive of her. She has her own life to lead and needs to realize she can't cling to your H or her to him, visa versa...the old...thou shalt leave thy father and mother and be one with thy spouse thingy.

You and your H have to take a stand for YOU GUYS TOGETHER. Granted, you mil will have some resentments but perhaps she doesn't REALLY hate you after all, is only scared of the possible move and the anxiety, unknowns that she will have to deal with and feel being left alone. I would encourage her like the above poster to get out and meet other people HER OWN AGE GROUP. She might find a whole new world that she really likes and thank you for it someday. 55 is young. Too young for her to think to be staying with you guys for the duration...I know...timelines....."tomorrow never seems to come".

Adrift45