I have tried in vain to find the OM. He contacted my WW via a pager that she carried and did not provide her with a contact number. I have driven all over town trying to find cars that resemble his, a black Toyota 4Runner, and have looked up property tax records in an effort to locate him. He apparently has an unlisted telephone number, at least that's what the phone company says. I am not even really sure if he gave my WW his true name. Basically I feel that I am left with three options. First, I can hire a local PI for $280 and will be provided with a phone number and address. Second, I can print up flyers and post them all over town. These flyers will not give my WW's name, but can detail what this man has done. I can do this in hopes that someone he knows will inform his W of what this man has done. I can also offer a small reward for his address and provide the same pager number that he had used to contact my WW on the flyer. This way he will know who is after him. Finally, I can simply turn the matter over to God. At this point I am inclined to let God take care of this individual, as two wrongs do not make a right. Question, for those of you who got revenge on the OM or OW, was it worth it?

First...why do you want to contact him?

Second...just as I always say to BWs...Talking to the OW in the affair will offer you little if any comfort. The marriage is between YOU and your W...not OM...and the less contact that happens from either of you the better. If it's revenge you seek...it has a very high price. Great to fantasize about it, but not so great to pursue it. jmho

I am assuming that your WW is in NC with this OM...is this correct? If so, then any contact you have will mean that more then likely you'll start some type of contact between OM and your W, even if it is in the form of him telling her to call you off. And could began a new round of you're wondering when, if they have contact...something I would hope you can avoid.

Third...Leaving it up to God sounds good to me. Focus on your marriage and your family and your W.

Fourth...if your W is still in contact...that too should be worked out between the two partners in the marriage. You can't control what she does or what OM does. Your W can't control what OM or YOU do. Save your energy where it is needed...on you and your marriage.

I'm a great believer that we reap what we sow. Karma does have a way of teaching us some really difficult lessons in life...and sometimes we deserve each one. This OM may be living in a h*ll all of his own making soon enough.

Good Luck!

I really do not want to contact him, I just want his wife to know what he has been up to. He infected both my wife and, ultimately, me with herpes. I feel vindictive and want some payback. I want him to go through all of the emotional pain and torment that I have had to suffer through. As for the OM contacting my wife, I now have the pager that was his only method of contacting her. Am I wrong to feel the way that I do?

Payback is keeping your wife.

"WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND " that is so true , dont worry about him he will see it coming someday , what you need to do is try to fix your M and the relationship with your W , because that is more important now , i guess the mayority here is trying to do the same ,fix our relationship because they mean a lot to us , i know is hard ,believe i know ,but for our sake and the one that we love we must try .
good luck ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

in most cases, i would say no contact is the best route to take. why give the op the satisfaction of knowing you're thinking of them? better to let them think they don't even register as blip on marriage radar. however, in this case, i'd have to disagree with myself ( i do this alot!). if he has infected the two of you with a contagious disease, and there is a chance of his wife not knowing she's been exposed i believe she not only has the right but the absolute need to know this! left untreated, i'm sure this could lead to some serious damage as well as get worse over time. she needs medication now! and remember, neither you nor your wife can take the word of a known liar when he says his wife knows. what about the health department? your wife would know enough about this person for them to get in contact with his wife, wouldn't she? how would you feel if you found out that they had had a baby with some serious side effects from illness and you hadn't even tried to warn her? not that it would be your fault in any way, but i bet it wouldn't feel that way to you! trust in god to take care of the revenge for you, but maybe trust in the health department to warn his wife!

You could turn the case over to the health department, since he is carrying a sexually transmitted disease.

What role would the health department play? Would I contact them to let them know that my WW had an A and that she contracted genital herpes as a result, which in turn she unknowingly passed on to me? All I know about the OM is that she met him at the city library. She provided him with her pager number, but he never gave her his address or phone number. He would page her from various pay phones and they would then meet at different locations. I know this his name and that he drives a black, older model, Toyota 4Runner. I know that he lives with his wife and their children at his mother-in-laws house. His name does not appear on the property tax role for our city and the library does not have his name listed on their records either. I suspect that the library card he used was in either in his wife's name or the kid's names. There is an unlisted phone number under his name when I call information, but I cannot seem to get the number using all of the tactics that I have learned from the Internet. I can get the information if I pay a local PI $280, or if I post flyers all over town with the information that I have provided above. If he attempts to contact my WW, I now possess the pager that he used to contact her with. Would the health department track someone down and let their wife know about this type of situation?

the health department may or may not be able to help you, it's worth a try. if he has an unlisted phone number, they could probably find it to warn his wife. your wife has to know more about this guy that could help them to. maybe she should go alone if she's to ashamed to admit it in front of you. but it seems like she'd have heard more little clues, such as work, or area lived, or something before agreeing to sleep with him. i could be wrong, probably just going by how well i'd need to know a man but it seems there should be more knowledge on her part. i would only go pi in last case, because temptation to just drive by and see him would be very strong. if you get very desperate, you could always do the flyer thing at the library. but be careful! his kids don't deserve to find out what daddy's like that way! and revenge would probably hurt alot more people than just the guy you're aiming for, so stick with health department for now...

The health department is responsible for following up on sexual contacts from people infected with sexually transmitted diseases. They won't care about the affair, but they should have interest in the transmission or potential transmission of the STD.

Hi, I'm in the same situation. My husband had an affair with someone from out of state. At least 7 encounters over one & 1/2 yrs. Found out while he was recovering from heart bypass. I too feel the need to contact OW. I tried once and she denied it of course even with evidence. I too have been infected with herpes. I want so badly to tell her husband. As far a health dept is concerned, it depends on State you are from. Few contact infected parties. But I still feel it's important for spouse of ow to know. But who knows maybe he infected her and she doesn't know she is passing it on to others.