I found out a week ago today my husband had been seeing another woman. He says it started when looking at porno on the internet(they met in a chat room). He says he felt ashamed that he had sexual urges, so turned to someone else. we've been married 10 years tomorrow, and sex has always been good but infrequent. I've spent alot of time on this site, but find little info about husbands who don't have feelings for the other woman. I thought I was dealing with this-we have talked alot in the last week. Last night I started feeling veryyyyyyy resentful and am very confused about how I feel...

claudbud:
Welcome to MB.
ONS is a type of A, PA w/o EA. It is good the guilt bring H to confess. Learn as much as you can about MB, ENs, LB, LB$, POJA, 4 rules of recovery ... etc. Infidelity is not the cause of Dv but the lost hope of be able to have love & caring M is. He has to amends you by revealing all the accounting of $ to the cents, all password/pin to email & so on, terminate all online membership to porn sites, install monitoring sotware and so on ... H is weak and he needs you to help him to be accountable to his actions. Pull the online plug if you have to. Help him out by identifying the trigger to be avoided and most of all both of you should work on caring, protecting, speding more quality time and also be brutally honest to each other.

If you are member of the church, get conseling from your pastor. Better yet if you could affod it, get MB conseling ... for now learn as much as you can, print out LBQ, ENQ & RAQ, fill it out and sit down and have a long discussion on how to avoid LB and how to fill in EN and how to find middle ground on RA.

Good luck. -rh-

I have to say, be glad it is "just sex." My wife had several affairs over the past year that were basically just that. She was (pissed?) at me and I think she just spilled her problems to other people and that was their payment for listening (we are working on communication). There are also some other large issues that I have only recently learned of, but I think all of those can be handeled.

Sex is something that is easy to work with. Lack of love, or loving another is all about feelings, and no rational thought can compare.

My advise is to be strong, work hard, and be sure to have some happy days when you can smile together. I hope it all works out.

sorry about this, but i've got to disagree with why on his answer. you should not be glad that it was just sex. if he had fallen in love, or just leaned on a friend in a wrong way, at least there would be the excuse that his feelings clouded his good judgement and morals. but to cold bloodedly go into another relationship just for sex, that says that his orgasm was more important than your hurt! he doesn't have the "fog" as it's called here to hide behind, this was a deliberate choice. another thing that bothers me about your post is your statement that he was ashamed of his sexual urges. that to me is big warning sign. what is he ashamed of? is that he wanted some sort of kinky sex he figured you wouldn't agree to, or just sex in general? it seems strange that he'd feel any shame with his wife, with whom sex is not just natural but healthy while taking it elsewhere. i could just be misunderstanding your post though. if so, sorry!

thanks for the suggestions. good questions kristawny-I was pretty vague-he has always been very closed off emotionally. always very difficult to express emotions, and sexual feelings are included. he was embarassed that he couldn't control his urges so porn and chatting with anonymous people online helped release without anyone knowing. he just happened on someone who lived close so they got together only about once a month(he told me he was going to a friends to play music). H been seeing OW for 1.5 yrs he says nothing kinky, but the way i discoverd him was a reply he made to a personal add from a couple looking for a man to fullfill the wife's fantasy-H says didnt know full extent. I found email the day they were supposed to meet. H counselr say typical of compulsive behavior 1looking at porn 2chatting 3meeting woman 4answering personal add...where would it have stopped. I'm glad I found it when I did-was divine intervention cuz wasn't even looking. I figured since he told me he had never been that interested in sex that this would be the last thing he would do. little did i know he thought he wasnt supposed to be interested and pretended. dont yet know why he didnt feel comfortable telling me especially when I told him how important it was to me...we are working on it. but i am scared that he will never be able to truly open up and i cant take any more pretending it doesnt matter.
last night I asked him #1 how he knew he loved me and #2 any reason why I should stay with him (we have 3 small children-so other than them). All he could say is that he just feels he loves me-cant explain. and that I should stay because he loves me. he's going in circles. I need reassurance from him-why cant he give me that. HELP

i'm so sorry you're having such a hard time as of late! my gosh, what a horrible anniversary present! be prepared for having each coming anniversary serve as one nasty trigger for awhile. that thing about a threesome sounds like his problems are quite a bit more than just thinking he's not supposed to be interested. the progression from porn to adultery to swinging is quite extreme. have you looked into sexual addiction? perhaps it's the thrill of the forbidden more than actual sex that's affecting him, in which case he may need a bit more than your average therapy. although he may say he loves you, what do his actions say! is he willing to talk to you, answer your questions? or does he just say it without backing it up?

his actions say he is committed-he is seeing a counselor(so am I) and we have talked about seeing our pastor together. yesterday he brought home the ENQ from his counselor, and I had also printed it out for us to do yesterday(coincidence?)He seems to be very open-willing to answer all questions I have had. My biggest problem is that he has such a hard time putting his emotions into words-I need reassurance.
As far as a sex addiction-I think that would need to be evaluated by a therapist. Like you said, I think it was the thrill of the forbidden. this process of escalating risk has taken over four years total, so he didn't just jump into it. As I said, I found the note the day H was to make first meeting with husband from ad. Not that I dont think he would have followed through-he did go to the effort of answering the ad-may never really know what would have happened.
this may sound strange, but we have been intimate several times since d-day. I really need the physical closeness. It feels strange to want that from him, but neither of us has any expectations about it solving anything. any thoughts welcome...