Hello everyone, this is the first time I'm posting a topic bear with me. I know that this forum is for married couples but I'm hope you all can help. I have been going steady with this girl for about 2 and a 1/2 years and all was going dandy till she graduated and started working. I'm still finishing my last year in university as I served in the army for a while. Then not long into her job she started getting distant. I suspected something was wrong and true enough she was going out with someone else. I was devastated and lost all my trust in her. She insisted that we try to be friends and during this short period of time she apparently was really high on alcohol once and slept with this other guy. Even though it is just one time and she said that it was not her idea...I still feel violated somehow. What's worse is that I've found out from her recently that at that period of time she really wanted to leave my for the other guy, who also had a girlfriend by the way. We tried to work things out and I gave her more attention and spent less time mugging over my school work. I also tried to improve on the quality of our conversations. Things seem better now but I had to give her an ultimatum the other day to stop keeping in contact with the other guy. Sometimes I don't know if its worth it seeing that we aren't married and I'm only 23. I don't know if she can change even though she is much more loving and even though she really seems like she really wants to get back to me, I still feel that she has feelings for him, and I can't help but wonder if she'll ever get back with him and hurt me all over again. Please help... thanks everyone...

RSG,

There is no way to tell what is the right thing to do. It is a very hard time for you, but neither of you are committed and technically what your GF did was really not a broken vow. I know it hurt but the reality this is why people date and yes date around.

To give you an idea how old I am I went to an all male college (none of those exist anymore). Virtually everyone there got what was call "Dear John" letters from girls who they were going with before coming to college or had met over summer breaks. Indeed it was so common that the school newpaper used to publish them along with a "critical" analysis as to originality, "thoughtfulness", cruelity, and just plain silliness. The one judged to be the best led to the guy getting some sort of prize and the girl being sent a dozen roses if I recall correctly.

Now why am I telling you this shaggy dog story? While times have changed people haven't and what you are going through is pretty normal. In fact, you should and I really mean this be happy it has happened. Why? Well, in my experience many romances that start in college and lead to marriage that fail. Why? Because frequently all the couples had in common was studying, tests, and the social life that the college/univeristy provided. When out in the world facing the challenges of making a living, having children, handling money, many of these couples found they had little in common.

My advice, do your best to heal from this. Finish your school, and get out on your own ( I suspect you have done some of this having been in the military) and see if life brings you back together. I suspect but you didn't say, that your GF was experiencing her first taste of freedom (ie: her own money, no studying at night, living on her own, etc). Her behavior is not surprising in the least.

I understand that you are deeply hurt, but please recall that although you may think she is the girl of your dreams and you are ready to settle down, she may not feel the same or be ready to settle down.

So calm down and see what happens, but don't neglect your studies, don't neglect YOUR future. You have a long one ahead of you.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL...its true and I'm actually glad this happened. The problem is, I've actually agreed to give her a second chance and she's come back to me and everything's better than before. However, at least now I know that she is capable of running out on me. She seems really committed to being with me now but I actually don't think I'll marry her in case she does a thing like this in the future, when I have more at stake. So I'm actually looking around for another and trying my best in school. This seems to be grossly unfair to her I feel but I do not know how to break off with her now that she really is with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The other guy has not turned up and as far as i know she has stayed true and not contacted him..... what should be the best course of action?

I would say the best course of action is to tell her the truth. That although she is trying, you can't shake what happened, and you would like to break up. That is much better than staying with her because you now feel obligated to. You are entitled to decide you no longer want to be involved, even if she did come to some kind of agreement otherwise.

It is your life, and you don't want to waste time slowly trying to back out of this. Even if she made amends, you are still entitled to want to break up, and it is kinder to do so right away than drag it out KNOWING you want to do so later.