I am new here and believe I'm a SA. Sorry for the long post. I have been unfaithful on and off during my entire 18 years of marriage, with prostitutes. I have never had, nor wanted, an affair. As some say on the escorts boards, “It is cheaper to rent.”

These days, the internet days, have drastically improved the encounters and I can not quit seeing prostitutes, without some kind of help. I really do not know if I want to quit. It all started when I was 22 and traveled for a living. The yellow pages are everywhere. Today, the internet is my problematic source.

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 27. This was my 1st marriage, her 2nd. At the time, I was not in love, but knew I could fall in love with her, if I tried. Well, I did fall in love, but every time I went out of town, I would screw around with prostitutes.

I own a mid sized business and my wife works with me, in retail. The hours were long and hard, but we managed to succeed. The business would falter or fail, if either of us quit the job, IMHO. I grew up in a family owned business, so I am very good at separating my feelings from a work environment to a home environment. My SO has succeeded in this too.

We have 1 child together and he is a senior in High School. The older son, whom I adopted from her previous marriage, now works with us. He owns his own home, thanks to the family business.

So here I am, 18 years later, dependant on her and she is dependant on me. The business is dependant on both of us. I have grown to love my SO very much, but my sexual preferences are not welcome by my SO.

Early in our marriage, we became close friends with another couple. We did everything together. I suggested to my wife that the 4 of us get together. She turned me down, cold. Needless to say, I started seeing prostitutes again. At the time and for many years it saved me from divorcing her.

Now, if I did not have so much responsibility at work, to so many people, I would walk away from this marriage. To me, she is not appealing, sexually. She never has been. She found out my weakness 2 years ago and I promised to quit etc, etc, etc…No I never quit seeing prostitutes, I just slowed down.

I have spent the last couple of weeks reading through this site, and I find I can not follow the POJA or Radical Honesy. I am demanding her to do something I know is not right, for her. At the same time, I want our business to be successful. My demand for an open marriage and successful business, along with a happily married life, is my catch 22.

I really do not know where or how to start.

Hobbyist

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Hobbyist ]</small>

A fellow "hobbyist"!

I've got the same problem.

I started seeing prostitutes regularly about four years ago, when I had the money and opportunities to do so. (I work out of town a lot.) I didn't dwell on it too much, other than the usual anxieties about STDs, until I started reading the posts by betrayed spouses on this and other boards. Please read through some of the posts put up by wives who husbands use prostitutes. Do you really want to inflict this type of pain on your wife?

Gradually I came to realize that my behavior, and more significantly the deceit behind my behavior, were destroying my marriage. So I have resolved to quit the "hobby", and to avoid those things, (porno, "hobbiest" boards, etc.), which would encourage me to purchase sex.

As far as "physical beauty" goes, I'm in my mid-forties, and my wife is older, so there is no way she can physically compete with a 20 year old. I know this sounds silly, but it is absolutely true: sexual attraction is all in your head. Change your mindset, admire your wife for the wonderful person she is, and you will have the greatest sex imaginable, even if you never do anything but the missionary position again for the rest of your life. On the other hand, if you want to be truely miserable, divorce your wife and spend the rest of your life having one-night-stands with strangers. (I have friends who are doing this now, and they are RUINING their lives.)

When we are in a relationship, we should behave in such a way that benefits the COUPLE, not just us. Imperfect creatures that we are, this isn't always easy. Like you, I don't agree with everything Marriage Builders represents, (I am NOT going to give my wife a detailed account of all my sexual adventures, and I don't belive in god(s) or a higher power/purpose to existance), but I do like the no bullsh*t approach they use here, and their emphasis on sticking to the straight-and-narrow. (If you're looking for people to say, "Hey, that's okay, do what you want as long as you're descrete", you won't get much support here.)

I think the people here have very strong morals, and will offer what support/guidance they can to help us clean up our act. But it's up to each of us individually to make a break with our past and start living a better life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong> I have been unfaithful on and off during my entire 18 years of marriage, with prostitutes. I have never had, nor wanted, an affair. As some say on the escorts boards, “It is cheaper to rent.”</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, but you are wrong...a ONS (paid for in cash or not) is still a type of A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
These days, the internet days, have drastically improved the encounters and I can not quit seeing prostitutes, without some kind of help. I really do not know if I want to quit. It all started when I was 22 and traveled for a living. The yellow pages are everywhere. Today, the internet is my problematic source.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have admitted you need help. Would you help yourself if you were addicted to alcohol or drugs?? I would hope you would say 'yes'! How is a sexual addiction or internet addiction any different?? All those behaviours can be bad for you. What about your health?? Condoms do NOT offer 100% protection. Do you respect yourself so little that you would throw away your good health! Do you dislike and have so little respect for your W that you would knowingly place her health at risk too??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
At the time, I was not in love, but knew I could fall in love with her, if I tried. Well, I did fall in love, but every time I went out of town, I would screw around with prostitutes.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do understand that real love involves respect and compassion for one's spouse, right??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
...so I am very good at separating my feelings from a work environment to a home environment.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The clinical term that applies to this frame of mind is 'compartmentalization'.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
So here I am, 18 years later, dependant on her and she is dependant on me. The business is dependant on both of us. I have grown to love my SO very much, but my sexual preferences are not welcome by my SO.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever sat down with her and discussed this issue in a loving, non-judgemental, honest way??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
Early in our marriage, we became close friends with another couple. We did everything together. I suggested to my wife that the 4 of us get together. She turned me down, cold. Needless to say, I started seeing prostitutes again. At the time and for many years it saved me from divorcing her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you trying to convince us that it is your W's fault you behave the way you do...all because she wouldn't 'swing' with you?!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>
Now, if I did not have so much responsibility at work, to so many people, I would walk away from this marriage. To me, she is not appealing, sexually. She never has been. She found out my weakness 2 years ago and I promised to quit etc, etc, etc…No I never quit seeing prostitutes, I just slowed down.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a lie. If you were truly unhappy you would have left the M long ago. You like to have it all. You enjoy being dishonest. You childishly pursue what you want, just because you want it! Attraction and sexuality occur in the brain...you could behave your way to a loving M, you just can't be bothered. Do you think these problems will go away if you D and re-marry?? They won't. You need to resolve some major issues in your life BEFORE you move on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>

I have spent the last couple of weeks reading through this site, and I find I can not follow the POJA or Radical Honesy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lie, as well. You can follow these policies, you just don't want to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>

I am demanding her to do something I know is not right, for her. At the same time, I want our business to be successful. My demand for an open marriage and successful business, along with a happily married life, is my catch 22.

I really do not know where or how to start.

Hobbyist</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could your ego and sense of entitlement possibly get any bigger?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Only you have the power to change this situation. You need to see a IC/MC. You need to be honest with your W. Have you ever made the effort to understand why your W has the preferneces she does or, did you just concern yourself with what you wanted? Do you respect your W or is she just a 'tool' you use so the 'family business' will be a success?

Hobbyist welcome to our little corner of the world.

You have acknowledged that you beleive you are a SA and that is a good start. Unfortunately I do not see any concrete steps on your part to get into SA counseling and treatment because your condition, untreated, could get worse and worse. It could also destroy your health, marrriage, family and your business.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"if I did not have so much responsibility at work, to so many people, I would walk away from this marriage"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess what? your wife may pre-empt that and it may be SHE that walks away from the marriage (67% of all divorce filings come from the wife). And it wouldn't matter to her about your tremendous responsibilities at work to so many people because in her mind your selfish actions caused you not to care about what should have been the greatests responsibilities in your life to begin with, her and the children.

Sooner or later something is going to give, and unless you make a decision and work to either save your marriage or file for divorce, you will be ill prepared if your wife decides to take the initiative.

Think things well.

doofus,

Thanks for your encouraging words.

I am glad you have started recovery. What/How are you doing it? Every SA site I have been to has the 12 steps, which includes you surrendering to a higher faith. I am not a religious person either. Thanks for your support.

TooMuchCoffeeMan,

Thank you for the welcome!

I do not know where or how to start? I have spent the last month searching the web for advice. I would be lying to myself if I surrendered to a higher power, one of the 12 steps to recovery. Maybe the MC can fix me…I just don’t know.

I am seeing a MC next week, for my 1st session. I set this up as I posted to this site. I have show my wife most of Dr. H’s policies, etc, but you are right…I have done nothing concrete. Besides MC, is there anything else?

I asked my wife to buy spy software and install it. As of today, she hasn’t, but I believe she will.

I though about why I see prostitutes, and I think it is the involvement with the escort boards. I am a long term hobbyist and I love their community. (I bet doofus and I know each other…LOL) I am hoping I can get involved here, become a part of your community, and quit going to these escort sites. I have to get away from why I cheat. The problem is I don’t know why.

I will say again…I am not attracted to my wife sexually. It is something I do for her benefit, not mine. It makes my stomach turn to be with her. I have to do something to be able to have enjoyable sex with my wife? How do I find out what went wrong? How can I correct it?

I have made a decision to work on our marriage. This is why I am here. This site seems to give good solid advice.

Hobbyist

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: Hobbyist ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hobbyist:
<strong>I really do not know where or how to start.

Hobbyist</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The elusive answer is?

Mgm
I am answering you in kind, sorry this post will be so long.

I have never discussed any sexual behavior with my wife, expect when I told her 2 years ago about the “hobby”.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Oh, but you are wrong...a ONS (paid for in cash or not) is still a type of A.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is ONS? It is not in the acronyms section.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>You have admitted you need help. Would you help yourself if you were addicted to alcohol or drugs?? I would hope you would say 'yes'! How is a sexual addiction or internet addiction any different?? All those behaviors can be bad for you. What about your health?? Condoms do NOT offer 100% protection. Do you respect yourself so little that you would throw away your good health! Do you dislike and have so little respect for your W that you would knowingly place her health at risk too?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is why I am here. You think I posted for fun? As far as STD’s…I have them all (except AIDS). I have had them since I was 20…long before marriage. We practice safe sex…or as safe as we can be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Have you ever sat down with her and discussed this issue in a loving, non-judgmental, honest way??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My sexual preferences…No. My infidelity…Yes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Are you trying to convince us that it is your W's fault you behave the way you do...all because she wouldn't 'swing' with you?!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No…Just thought you might like to hear the history of my infidelity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>That's a lie. If you were truly unhappy you would have left the M long ago. You like to have it all. You enjoy being dishonest. You childishly pursue what you want, just because you want it! Attraction and sexuality occur in the brain...you could behave your way to a loving M, you just can't be bothered. Do you think these problems will go away if you D and re-marry?? They won't. You need to resolve some major issues in your life BEFORE you move on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I like to have it all. Yes I enjoy being dishonest. I never thought “I” had a problem before. I thought it was society at large that has the problem. I thought I needed to find a wife who was more like me as far as sexual preferences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Lie, as well. You can follow these policies, you just don't want to.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could, but I can’t. Without help, I can’t.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Could your ego and sense of entitlement possibly get any bigger?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Only you have the power to change this situation. You need to see a IC/MC. You need to be honest with your W. Have you ever made the effort to understand why your W has the preferneces she does or, did you just concern yourself with what you wanted? Do you respect your W or is she just a 'tool' you use so the 'family business' will be a success?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ego and entitlement? Please explain. Also MC is marriage counselor, my first appointment is next week. What is IC? Again, not in the acronyms section. I know I need to be honest…why do you think I posted here? Just to get flamed? As you rightly assumed, I have only had my interest at heart for a long, long time.

So you advice is to be honest and see a marriage counselor? No $hit!!! I figured that out long ago and this is one of my reasons I posted to this site. Do you think I posted for fun? Come on people, this is serious stuff and I need good, solid advice, not ridicule. I can take the flames, but I hope I/we can discuss this as adults. I am not judging you and I expect the same from you. We can have a difference of opinion without flaming, being sarcastic or generally downgrading each other.

Hobbyist

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: Hobbyist ]</small>

I'm not flaming you. I'm pointing out the inconsistencies in your statements. I'm being totally honest and perhaps a little blunt with you. Is that not what you want?? Honesty. You don't need my sympathy, you need IC(individual counselling).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> will say again…I am not attracted to my wife sexually. It is something I do for her benefit, not mine. It makes my stomach turn to be with her. I have to do something to be able to have enjoyable sex with my wife? How do I find out what went wrong? How can I correct it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hobbyist even though you are not having an A(affair) with a specific individual female(male?), this statement is very, very much like that of those that are or were having one. WS(wayward spouses) time and time again have stated the same thing you did with regards to the thought of physical intimacy with their BS(betrayed spouses).

When a WS is 'in the fog'(totally infatuated with the OP(other person, i.e. lover)) because they are still actively in the A or in withdrawl from it, it is inconceivable to him/her the idea of having sex with the BS. Only thru the combined efforts of both WS and BS to follow the The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage can there by any hope to rebuild physical intimacy in the M(marriage)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have made a decision to work on our marriage. This is why I am here. This site seems to give good solid advice.

Hobbyist
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your decision demonstrates that there IS something of value to you that would not be there if you were to be divorced.

Your feelings or emotions can be an obstacle if you don't subjugate them to your will. They will at times try to derail or sabotage your efforts to rebuild your M, but as long as you know that your efforts are not only for the benefit of your M, family, but ultimately more for you, then your efforts will have a great chance to bear fruit.

Good luck and keep us updated.

ONS is one night stand.

IC is individual counseling.

I'm no expert on any of this stuff, but it sound to me like you have a long term psycholgical problem and you may need sexual therapy to realize fulfillment from "normal" sex. Making love with a woman you deeply love turns your stomach? Get help, man.

Hi Hobbyist,

If you are truly willing to work on the marriage, it really doesn't matter what the motivation is. For you right now, that seems to be financial and the survival of the business.

I would be willing to work with you in conjunction with other professional help. A 12 step group is a great place to start. Yeah, they emphasize turning your addiction over to a higher power, but every group I've even known.... drugs, alcohol, ACOA, etc. allows the members to decide for themselves what that higher power means to them as individuals.

Most feel the way you do about POJA and radical honesty, to begin with. Not everyone is as honest as you about stating their mind-set of impossibility. But, I think you might find that it grows on you after a while.

My H is a SA. Recovering very sucessfully. Thanks to a wife who kicked his a** when she found out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , a really great SA group, and a strong determination to work through the addiction and remain in our marriage. I'm really proud of the hard work he's done and the progress he's made.

I am a marriage coach by profession, and I give my time freely to these boards. With my background I have a special calling to work in the SA field of infidelity, both with men and women who have been affected. As I said, I'm willing to help you out in whatever way you think I can.

-------

Doofus.... nice words!!! I'm impressed. Very impressed.

-----

So, this is apparently my month for family funerals. I'm working tomorrow and out of town Tues and Wed for the second one in a week. So, if you don't see me for a day or two.... never fear.... I'm too addicted not to be back!

Blessings...even to you non-believers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Cerri

Hello Hobbyist & Doofus,

I am not as wise as some of the people here, but I can speak from the POV of someone whose SO has cheated many times in our 10 yr relationship.

As a side note, I too am not religious, but I know that even though many of the people here are, that doesn't have any bearing on how they give advice to you as oppose to someone who is a believer.

Further, I am more of a lurker as work and personal life restricts me from being here for long enough and privacy to reply.

Having said so, like both you, my SO used escort services. Though, it was for periods of time (eg a month then stopped), he did it only when very drunk and after going out with some male "friends". This behaviour has been taking place over the past 3.5 yrs, but he does have a history of cheating.

We have identified many reasons for why he got to the place he went. Namely, his father was abused as an adolescent and had many problems stemming from this and other family issues, this led him to abandon them when my SO was only 5, from there his mother remarried a man whom I am sure is also a SA (pron, prostitutes, answering ads, walking around naked in front of SO, etc), friends who encouraged him to cheat due to jealousy (guys who had asked me out but I rejected, and school and career achievements), then when his biological father returned on the scene his advice to my SO when he was tearing himself inside for cheating was “f**k as many women as you possibly can while you can”.

I knew about the past infidelities, but not about the serious matter of escorts, which as I said started 3.5 yrs ago. My SO relapsed after a 4-mth period, when he had vowed never to do it again. Because of this he decided to ask for space with the intention of telling me and breaking-up if he couldn’t work it out.
Well, needless to say, something did happen, and he confessed after one of my prophetical conversations with him.

I guess my point is try to work out what are the true underlying issues, read up on infidelity and SA (Patrick Carnes, Jennifer Schneider, etc), and I guess from my example, Radical Honesty, so telling your partners, accountability of time and finance, etc.

Btw, I’ve read some of the SA books, and the first step of giving to a higher power, just means you accept you are powerless over your addiction. Hence, you need to take measures to stop yourself from acting out.

Okay, that’s all I know and it’s not much. Your partners will be distraught, but I’ve read about some extremely extraordinary women here such as Cerri, Spywife2002, KaylaAndy, Orchid, Zorweb, Starfish(?), etc. I am not on this list bc I am a very difficult person. I am not letting my SO pass till I am satisfied with his remorse and efforts.

Okay, I don’t think you can help me, but I have been sinking for a while with no support. My SO said he is extremely attracted to me, his straying was due to his background and our culture (convenience of dial-a-slut (I hate prostitutes bc my SO had a couple of prostitutes who wanted to go beyond their job), and credit-cards, free porn on internet, “male-bonding” via strip joints/ perving/porn emails, TV, jokes, etc.

He said he always had to drunk for he could never have done it otherwise, the women were very unattractive (with the exception of 2), he never enjoyed the sex (just the satisfaction of ejaculating which was forced every time), the best he had with them was not even close to the worse we have had, I just don’t get it.

I do believe him for he has tried very hard to do everything I’ve asked of him, and he said he has not even relapse once since the last time (31st Jan-02). He stopped all those things that are not healthy to our relationship such as porn, masturbation (completely), and cut back on drinking. He is also vigilant about his thinking/mind. Part of this is UN-doing what the world around us does, that is, sexualising everything.
To healthy people this is not a problem, but when you have a problem, you have to work at it. I started a book called “When Good Men are Tempted” (Bill Perkins). It is very religious, but you could just read it for an understanding, and unwire some of those cultural distortions, if you believe it’s all natural or okay.

I’ve read both your stories, and you both sound very similar. I even went to the other site to read your post there, Doofus. You omitted a sentence you had there.
Personally, I think you both need to work yourselves out (IC, books, support groups, do whatever it takes before hitting rock bottom like my SO). What you are doing is not natural, nor healthy. No good can come of it.

I am still very curious about some things (these things you have sex with), but besides employing the same things and being high school sweet hearts, there is nothing similar to what you’ve said to my SO. I guess you may not be able to help me. There had been some posters similar to my SO, but they never came back after one post. It does take courage to post here, even if there is enmity.

Sorry, I didn’t exactly answer your question. How to start?

Cerri gave a lot of good advice and has offered you help.
IC, MC, books, this site (the best I’ve found simply due to the people, though there may be other site more suited for you and I’ve not had a lot of feedback myself, hence I stopped but still lurk), employ the concepts from this site with your wife, but most importantly start your personal journey to better yourself.

From my personal experience, the longer you leave it, the more of these episodes you act out on, the more you do with these things, the more risks you take, the more lies you tell, the more your wife will hurt, the more she’ll have to accept and overcome, the more anger you have to face, the more shame you’ll have to carry with you, and the less likely you’ll have a deep fulfilling relationship you can foster/create with your SO.

Hobbiest,

I'm the wife of an SA.

I just wanted to clear something up for you about HP. (Higher Power). It doesn't have to be God. It can be anything you choose it to be. It can be nature. Don't let that stop you....there is much wisdom in the 12 steps.

SW

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: SpyWife2002 ]</small>

To both Hobbiest and Doofus, it's great that you are taking the first step in confronting your problems. In recognizing how hurtful these actions are, how wrong and how dangerous. Hurtful to yourselves, your wives, and to the prostitutes as well.

When wondering why, look deep into your childhood, try to look at your parents' relationships. Think about your own attitudes towards women, power, control etc. Alot of anonymous sex has to do with power and control, protecting your feelings and avoiding intimacy.

Good luck in your search for understanding, and your struggle to overcome addiction.

cerri: words are cheap. Congratulate me after I've been an exemplary husband for the next ten years.

hobbyist: I was raised in a Christian home, so I do have some "belief". I believe in the golden rule, (treat others as we would want others to treat us), and I guess I have belief in the value of life, particularly human. Thus, I believe it is a good thing to act in ways that help people, and a bad thing to act in ways that hurt them.

Visiting prostitutes was a self-indulgent habit. I was becomming uneasy with the deceit involved, mostly because of the emotional distance it was putting between me and my wife, and after reading through posts on this and other boards it eventually sunk through my thick head that this activity could really, really, really emotionally devastate her. Since I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, let alone my best friend, I realized I'd have to drop the "hobby".

Easier said than done, of course. One thing that I feel I have to do is just push all my prior activity into the past, and NOT dwell upon it, for fear of remembering only the fun parts. (And I will admit that many of these ladies are lots of fun to play with. Sex without responsibility is like pigging out on candy or drugs or alcohol -- lots of fun at the moment, but a harmful habit.)

Sorry - I'm rambling around your question, rather than answering it. Everybody believes in something, even if this something is that the existence is without meaning. I guess what you need to do is find out what your foundation beliefs are, and HONESTLY examine your actions to see if they are in accordance with them. Unless you are a true sociopath, I don't see how it is possible for you to truely believe that it is in YOUR interest to keep behaving this way. (Seriously - do you think stealing from someone is okay?)

Another thing I am doing is checking on these boards from time to time; they help keep me honest. (And Lord knows I need it!) I haven't done most of the things people are saying I need to do to recover completely, (total honesty with my wife, acceptance of my lack of control, handing my fate/faith over to a "higher power"), so many here would say I'm just fooling myself, that in six months I'll be back with the hookers. I think they're wrong. Time will tell.

Where do you want to be 10 years from now? What do you want to be doing? Focusing on what I want to be in the future also helps.

Finally, (and this part SUCKS), I have to admit I have a problem, and tune out much of what I used to enjoy. I have to be careful what I watch on TV. I have to not dwell on printed images of women, (swimsuit and underwear ads! is this pathetic or what?). I have to be careful who I hang out with, and what we talk about. And I have to drop friendships that encourage me to "whore around". Just like people with a drinking problem have to be super sensitive to stuff that doesn't bother most other people, I have to err on the side of prudishness to keep from falling. Think of it as a challenge, if that helps.

Sometimes I want to chuck it all and move to Thailand, but even at my most delusional I know I wouldn't be happy there. (If you don't believe me, read "stickman's" stories/comments on the bargirl scene there. Lots and lots of sad stories there.)