I've recently found out that my partner of 6 years (dating) and 6 months (married) had a drunken "fling" with my gay cousin. Apparently there was some touchy-feely, and an extremely brief oral (my cousin did it to my husband) thing, which my H said he didn't want to happen.

After he told me, I asked him the following:

1. is he gay?
2. did he consider our relationship while in the course of doing this?
3. did he consider that he was fooling around with one of my closest relatives?
4. does he want our relationship to continue?

His answers were "no" to all. Of course, I am skeptical of #1 through #3, but I do feel confident in his answer to #4. My H has diagnosed depression, OCD, and Tourette's syndrome that he has not had treated for at least 8 years (despite my pleading with him). H stated that he felt that he was in a rut, and that I was spending so much time @ work & with other people that he couldn't reach out to me through the depression. He feels that perhaps that is what drove him to put himself in the situation (besides the alcohol). H has since gone to the doctor & gotten anti-D, and will be seeing a psychiatrist for himself. He has begged for another chance, though admitting that he doesn't deserve it (No sh*t, Sherlock!).

After much thought, anger, reflection, and mostly prayer, I have decided that I will work this out with him. We reread our vows to one another and I asked him to explain what he felt his meant to and for me. I read mine, and knew that I still meant them. I will be seeking a counselor that we can both go to.

To say I'm hurt is putting it mildly. It is a double-whammy for me because I was very close to my cousin, and his part in this just sickens me as well. I know that he's been unfaithful to his partner, but I've never judged him & have always defended him and his lifestyle. I want to know what was going through my H's mind ->but as for my cousin, I have cut him out completely. I can only deal with a certain amount of demons at a time, and my H is my priority.

I guess that I'm asking others if they have been in a similary situation, and how they dealt with it when so many lines (relationship, sexuality, family) have been crossed?

Well...am going to assume that #4 was a yes answer to wanting your relationship to continue. I also am assuming that your H told you about what happened...you didn't have to bust him.

SO...while being drunk isn't a good reason...I might be willing to give him some benefit of the doubt...not much. We all wonder about the gay lifestyle and how it must feel, even when we don't admit it to ourselves, much less anyone else. He may have had a temp. case of the stupids.

As for the depression...this may impact on self-esteem which would have had impact on what happened. Depression by it's very nature makes it almost impossible to reach out to those who love us and would want to help. Great that he is now on meds for this...be sure to have him closely monitored so that you both know that he is getting the right drugs/combination of drugs.

The lines crossed in your situation are many...don't let them overwhelm you. Take one issue at a time and work through it. (Good going on cutting cousin out at this time.)

Good Luck!

Thanks for your response. Yes, you are right, my H did answer "YES" to continuing our relationship...I was writing that in a blur of emotions & sort of blanked out.

My H told me willingly about what happened. He said he couldn't keep looking in my eyes and hold this horrible secret. He was terrified, but went through w/telling me, and also answers all my questions that I ask (still ask sometimes) about the chain of events.

I appreciate your outlook on the gay issue. I think that the burning issue for me was that I do not want to be married to someone who would rather be w/others, no matter the gender...but the sexuality thing did throw me for a loop.

We are both going through this together. His guilt and shame have been a monster for him (possibly exacerbated by the depression), and I do hope that we'll find the right combo of meds/counseling to help him through this event, as well as just boost his self-esteem. As for me, I've had alot of positive support from very close friends, of which I thank God for.

My rollercoaster of feelings hasn't been so bad lately. I think mostly because I am confident that we're doing the right thing. Wish us luck, and I also wish you well on your continued rebuilding.

I think you've got a great chance of making your marriage so much better. I LOVE the fact that he was honest with you about what happened. So much harm is done to a marriage after the betrayal from all the lies that it can breed. Often, it is this area that makes the betrayal grow into other areas of our marriages, where the betrayal really doesn't factor.

It's great that you've got a good support system in place. So often we feel so alone.

You H's honesty and remorse (not guilt which is about self, but remorse and wishing to do whatever is necessary) leads me to believe that this one error in judgement moment may give you both the gift of an honest marriage, one whose foundation is built on a rock solid base of love and faith.

Thanks for the distinction between guilt and remorse. My H's words were "I will do whatever it takes to earn back your trust and love."

I agree that this is an opportunity for us to build a stronger foundation for our marriage...I just wish that it did not have to have such a price.

I more fully appreciate my role as a supporter and partner in this marriage. After he told me, I just couldn't bear to think of turning my back on him when he earnestly asked for forgiveness. I kept thinking, "wouldn't I want for my H to forgive me if the tables had been turned?" I also believe that, "to err is human, to forgive is divine."

I'm sort of a newbie to this, so I'd like to know what "Plan A" is. Is that a book?

It's a program that is practiced on this site. Basically, to Plan A is to give lots of positive feedback to the WS, while working very hard on making yourself a better person. It's more about letting go of those things you can't change or control in your spouse and focusing on what is good in the marriage, what is needed for personal growth for yourself. jmho (You might need to read up on this on site, but this is how I see it.) You didn't ask...but Plan B is where you remove yourself from the problem as much as possible...and the WS...and allow them to sink or swim on their own without any emotional needs being met by you. Usually used as a last resort when dealing with a WS who just won't stop betraying and/or won't make a decision. It's about protecting yourself and whatever love you still hold for your WS while hoping/praying that the WS will make a decision in favor of the marriage. But it's a moving on without the spouse...without completely ending the marriage.