Greetings.

I am new to this but have been reading for almost 2 months and finally decided to join in.

On August 15th I found out that my W was having and affair with someone at her work. I don't have to tell everyone how this feels but my heart was stomped on that day. Since then we have tried to work things out, we started going to a marriage counselor. I thought things were getting better and on the up and up. Well then on September 10th I found out that she had tubular pregnancy! WOW. Of course I was devistated and we decided that we should seperate for a while to figure us out. She was really hurt by this but it was what I wanted.

We still go to counseling together and seperatly but I feel so much pain yet. In my perspective she doesn't seem to do some of the things that I would expect for her to do. For example, she still works with this person. They work in the same building (oppisite ends) but nevertheless it worked once why not again? So I am always wondering! They both are government employees in a small Village and I made sure that everyone knows what happened, so everyone is watching!

It is still a roller coaster, not to many fights. I have read several books and have taken the time to find out more about myself and what my part was in all of this. I don't think she has done the same. She blew up at me the other day when she was over because I read some of her email. The email account in question is one she hardly uses so it wouldn't contain anything anyway, she uses a yahoo email account to. We all know that you can't track anything there. She couldn't believe that I would invade her privacy. I asked how was I supposed to start trusting her if this kind of stuff happens. She said she just wants a little privacy, she isn't hiding anything, I should just find it in my heart that it is over and the only person that she wants is me.

I have to fight with myself every single minute not just to say screw it and feel all the pain of a divorce at once. This trying to work it out is so incredibly hard. I don't want to be the only one working at it (maybe that isn't a fair thing to say).

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I dearly love this woman and want to work it out.

Divorced '97
Remarried 2000
First A 8/02
Second A 9/10
Seperated 9/16
Confused - All the above!

whenwillthepainend,

You are in the envious position of having your wife want to come back to you. It is natural to feel the way you do and it may take months if not years to fully recover. However, don't drive a wedge too deep between you and your WW. Read the book "After the Affair". It's very helpful for both you the betrayed spouse and your WW. KNow that she may have guilt and her way of dealing with it is to try to forget about it. The first thing you need between each other is the MB policy of radical honesty.

Check out some of the questionnaires on this web page.

Bandit,

I will try and get that book. I am in the middle of the surviving an affair right now and find it hard to read when the WW doesn't seem to be interested in healing but just forgetting. I asked a month ago to fill out the emotional needs survey and have yet to see it. I mention it now and then but she says she is still working on it. I feel that this is important so I know where I went wrong.

Do you have any suggestions to get her to at least read the radical honesty part or any of the book for that matter? She feels like we always talk about what happened but we don't make any head way.

I really appreciate your imput. Thanks!

The problem that I see is that this was her second affair? You mentioned affair 1 was in August and affair 2 was in Septemeber. If this is correct then she really did not learn anything at all after the first affair. Is the pregnancy from her affair? She should immediate look for a change in her work environment. It is the least she should do. It sounds like she may be looking for financial security at this time. She does not at the current time deserve to expect privacy after what she has done. Are you going to proceed with the pregancy and be responsible for the financial burden. I wish you luck but just make sure you are not the fall back guy because you deserve more than that.

Her A started in October of 2001 and ended I guess in July of this year. Her one night stand, she claims, was in July when she was away on a business trip. The pregnancy was in her tube so the had to remove it and the tube so their will not be any baby. (thank god, like life isn't screwed up enough).

Her changing jobs isn't really an option for her right now. She has moved out and in her own apartment so I am not supporting her financially and will NOT give her a dime right now.

It is just hard to swallow all of this and then have all the feelings of if she wants me or not!?

Whenwill...do you want your marriage to continue? It's can be very difficult to work on the marriage if you are living in different homes. jmho You're post said it was your choice to have her move out and that she didn't want this...are you interested in having her back in the home you shared?

Two months is not a long time, even if it feels as if it's been forever. You're pain and all of the other emotions that you are feeling are completely normal. The fact that you can jump from one emotion to another before you even realize that it has happened; happens/happened to us all. (ie, you get that "ILY feeling" and then all of a sudden...rage.)

For the WS to continue working with the OP is going to be the hardest stubbling block to rebuilding trust. If at all possible, she needs to find another job, even if this means that you help her out with the $$. As this seems to be very hard to do at this time, then you both need to be honest about how you are feeling about her still being in contact with OM, even if only on the job.

Did you find anything in her email account? Doesn't sound as if you even thought you might, so what was the reason for going into it? (However, on the other hand, I also think that at least for a while the WS should always allow a greater degree of access until the trust returns.) BUT...you need her to agree to giving you this access...not just take it.

You can NOT get your W to work on the questionaires...it is her decision. The more you push, the less likely she is to complete it...it becomes a power struggle which you are doomed to lose, as you can not control what she does. Instead of asking her about her's...give her a copy of yours. Discuss those issues which you need met. Discuss how YOU feel about something you've read (MB material)...do NOT tell her how she feels.

Good Luck

Argh, I do want the marriage to work but am I the only one? But it is so hard to try so much and then it feels like nothing has changed on her end.

She got mad at me because last night the kids (10 & 7) carved pumpkins and I hadn't invited her over to help. When we talked about it I tried to explain that we are leading seperate lives right now and I need to take care of me and most importantly keep some form of normalcy in the kid's life.

So this morning she emailed me to tell me she is really busy at work and will not be able to make our counseling meeting. When I asked if it was about the pumpkins she replied that we aren't a family anymore so why would I want to go to counseling. I feel this is how she can control me, not going to something that I think we need. (Note that she is an EMT and she can be one call today. So if she gets a call she could be gone from work about 2 hours) So not only do I feel like I am not her first priority, I am not her second either. She doesn't have time in her work day to go to a counseling meeting but has time to be on call!!

I hate rollercoasters to begin with, now I am on a mental one.

Whenwillthepainend,

First thing you need to do is read about Plan A and Plan B on this MB website. You need to plan A!!! and it's painful trust me. Others on this post are right...you cannot tell her how she feels or expect her to want to talk about it. (This is also discussed in "After the Affair" , the author's name is Spring) If you read that book, read it for yourself first and don't let her know that you're reading it yet. After you've read it then leave it out in the open so she sees it someday.

You don't have to forgive her yet, and you shouldn't have to trust her yet, but Plan requires that your let guard down and allow her to be a part of your life and family. BE CAREFUL about what you say to her....the pumpkin thing you mentioned may drive a wedge deeper than you want and push her away (she cancelled on your appointment right?) It's hard not to say hurtful things to her because you're hurt yourself, but you MUST bite your tongue. When your about ready to say a hurtful thing try to change the subject.

She may not feel any remorse or sorrow now but it is important for her to "hear" how you feel. Sometimes writting an angry letter to her (WITHOUT SENDING it) can get those things off your chest. Show it to your therapist so he/she knows your pain. Then later, write another one that is not so viscious explaining that you love her and you're wanting to meet her needs so she doesn't stray again.

Maybe make an agreement that you will only talk about feelings in the counseling sessions and during the other days you don't. Your desire to want to talk to her about it is natural, but you cannot MAKE her talk. Instead, as painful as it may be, set up weekly "date" nights where you go out and just be together and NOT talk about the A.

Make sure that you have other people you can talk to that are UNBIASED and will just listen or vent here. You NEED to Plan A my friend, like a madman but don't over do it.

When...have you asked her to move back home? Have you given her a safe environment in which to live and come to the point where she feels safe in giving you honesty?

Her emotions are also in mass confusiion. She's betrayed her values, she's betrayed you, her family, herself. Being a woman...her body betrayed her. She paid a very high price for her errors, in that she became PG, lost the babe and a part of her body. (Even if the child wasn't wanted.)

I agree that a major Plan A may be needed. You should include her whenever possible with anything where the children are involved. Regardless of what happens in your marriage...she will always be their mom and you their dad. Plus, including her in the "FUN" part of parenting will not be damaging to her wanting to return home. Show her those things that she is missing by being out of the marital home....the good parts...not the moping of floors and picking up after you. LOL Personally, think you missed a golden moment to share with her when you carved the pumpkins...might want to get a few more and really make the home festive for the holidays with mom and dad and kids working together.

As for counseling...you can't make her go. It must be her choice. However, you go regardless. You'll receive as much as you are willing to put into it. Hopefully, she'll make the next one if she knows that you are committed to counseling to make yourself and hopefully your marriage better.

I must admit that I forget that she is feeling poorly too. She hides this very well and just wants to sweep it under the rug. I don't know how in the world to accomplish plan A, man. After having your heart pulled out and stomped on, I have to include her in things again. I will take your advice and I will re-read the 'Surviving and Affair' book.

There are days where I wish I didn't talk to her at all. The thing is I feel better talking to the other man's wife on the phone then I do with my wife. I guess it is like this board, just another resource for support. I must thank everyone for that support!

Oh, I went to the counselor today and she recommended that I explain three of my biggest problems that would inhibit us working it out. She recommended I approach it has a positive thing and not to try to sound controlling. Does anyone have advice to this?

She also works with the person and they both can't give up their jobs. What do you do with the no contact rule? That is number one on my list.

I have not been able to provide a safe emotional ground for her at home. That is probably a big part of why she hasn't moved home yet. Our lifes are so much up on the air every minute.

(look it there another 5 minutes went by!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

whenwillthepainend,

Basically you have two ways to look at your situation as it stands right now: 1) Your marriage is over, or 2) the affair happened for a reason and NOW you BOTH have an opportunity to find out what each others role was that led to the A, and rebuild your marriage. (This I beleive is waht your counselor is talking about)

Take this time to ask yourself what role you played in your wife's betrayal of you. As the Doc on this web site says, obviously your WW is not having an important emotional need met. Try to ask her in a nonthreatening way what the others were giving her that you aren't or weren't. She may not even know the answer herself, yet.

Your emotions will fight each other for 2 to 3 weeks, as they had with me. It's a rollercoaster ride for sure. Maybe see if you can get on paxil or something else to even you out. But, most importantly, DON"T LASH OUT AT HER. She will likley say something that will hurt you, especially at a time when you want to hear the truth from her. And be careful not to ask too many questions yet. I know the impulse is there to ask a thousand questions, but my advice is to not ask her questions but to take time to look at yourself and ask yourself questions about what your role was. Yes you were betrayed, but instead of acting like a victim, determine how badly you want your marriage to work, then start thinking like a survivor and begin the path to recovery, for both of you.

Basically, you HAVE TO let your defenses down and take a few more emotional beatings. Right now is NOT the time to be asking about details of her A. My advice is to only do that in front of amrriage counselor that can mediate and also offer you advice about what kind of questions to ask of her. Then she won't feel put on the spot.

Go trick or treating tonight with the kiddies and ask her to come with. And above all else DON"T ASK ONE SINGLE QUESTION ABOUT THE A, DON'T BE A SMARTASS, AND HAVE FUN TOGETHER WITH YOUR KIDS. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, CHECK THE CANDY AND HAVE A BIG GROUP HUG.

Well a few days have gone by and nothing really exciting happening. She did tell me the other day that she doesn't think that we should go a marriage counselor anymore. She can't afford to pay for it and our insurance doesn't cover it, it only covers individual counseling. That troubles me because I can see all the money she is spending on clothes and other stuff that isn't as important as our marriage.

We then have a problem with the time she is spending with our kids. We have a schedule down so the kids know when they are going to which house. She has signed up to take a class which involves her being gone on one of her days and then once every month on the other day she has. It's like she is putting all her family on hold for her right now. When will she realize her responsibilities, she knows that I love her but I think she is using me me right now so she can have the best of both worlds. She has her own place now but when she needs something guess who she calls, me! Why would she want to change where she is living if she can have her cake and eat it too. Man do I sound like I am rambling!

When,
Some companies offer an employee assistance program that will pay for marriage counseling. Call your company's Human Resource department to see if it is offered. You can then make the appointment in your name and sign a release of information so your individual counselor can share information with the marriage counselor.
All my best to you!!
SS

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: staying_strong ]</small>