O.K Ive decided I love him and no matter what he or I did in the past thats where I am leaving it in the past. From today forward I want to rebuild, a better and stronger relationship. Only one problem He has told the ow we are staying together and it is not appropriate for her to come around the business, but she is still phoning, and poping by....like a vulture waiting to see if we will make it...what should I do, I have her phone # from the call display, and im really getting tired of her antics, she is 25 I am 36 no time for shcool games we have 2 kids involved and a family to rebuild. should I call her? or should I demand he call in front of me and ask again for her to respect our lives and privacy...he seems a bit hesitant to do this so I have to wonder???? obviously I still have concerns with trust and at times it is driving me crazy. Should I confront the ow or leave it alone for awhile??? help!!!

First...is your H telling you each time she "pops up"? If so...it's his mess let him clean it up. He can NOT control what she does...he can however control his reaction to it. If he is "busy" whenever she appears, if he's unavailable, if he finds that there is just no time to talk, if he never answers the phone if her ID comes up and allows messages to go the answering machine (might be nice if he lets you hear them)...she'll soon get tired of wasting her time on "waiting for his marriage to implode".

If at all possible...do NOT contact her. Any contact from you keeps her involved in your marriage...and she has no place there. Keep your focus on you, your H, your marriage and your family.

If TOW becomes really bothersome...you can always apply for a RO. Not something you want to do...but sometimes there is no other way. (Possible that H could tell her this will happen if her behavior doesn't stop.)

hi, thanks for the advice, its hard though, I just want to reach through the phone and throttle her!!! Im doing my best to maintain calm, dignity and respect for him, which I think is driving him slightly nuts, he fully expected the opposite reaction!!! only one other thing concerns me when I asked him if we did not get back together would he keep on seeing her, his response was I Dont Know, so needless to say I still have alot of questions running around my mind, like mabey he is keeping her on the back burner? I cant quite figure it out.....but of course with the trust not being there right now I guess this is natural. I notice when I come into work the call display is all erased but ive changed the passwords to listen to phone messages, he doesnt know ive done this, im doing this to satisfy my curiousity at this point. ill avoid her at your advice, but what if she pops in while im there or vice versa should I say something to her??? thanks again for the help!!!

for what reason does she just pop up at the business? what kind of business is it? can you have her banned from it, since she's only there for personal and not business reasons?

Look, I have to say, from the point of view of the Other Woman, if she is still popping up, there is a good possibility he wants her to, he is giving her even a slight bit of encouragement. If he was not giving her some encouragement, she would have given up after a few tries.

the business is an autowrecking and mechanical repair shop, thats how he met her apparently she brought her car in for repairs well he fixed her car and cleaned his pipes at the same time!!! im down there during the day but he works late alot and im home with the kids, so i feel like i have to be sneaking around seeing if her car is there at 10:00pm at night!!! and yes your right mabey he is encouraging her I just dont know, he is sending out very mixed signals and im not sure weather to stay patient and try to be trusting, or just say to heck with it all, you can have him!!!! now what????

Can you ask your H to write a No Contact letter, let you read it, and let you mail it to her? That way you'll know exactly what your H means when he says he's told the OW you are staying together and it is not appropriate for her to be coming around. You'll know if it was "Get out of my life forever" or "Maybe we should cool things for a while."

honeyb...it sounds as if you aren't for sure he is being upfront with you about any contact she has with him. If he isn't...then the rules change. jmho

You really need to discover if he is keeping her as a safety net, just in case your marriage doesn't survive. (Happens all the time, betraying men are such babies about being alone.) IF...he is giving her the same mixed signals that you feel he is giving you, then it's likely she has every reason for hanging in there.

IF...He's sitting on a fence, waiting to see whose going to push him off...and he wants to make sure that he's got someone to "catch" him whichever way he falls...you've got your work cut out for you.

Having him PROVE that he has made a stand and is committed to making his marriage work may well take a NC letter/phone call...which you see/hear. But realize that TOW may well know that this is something he's doing at your request and she may give little heed to it, especially if he re-contacts her on his own...for ANY reason. Most OP believe that what a WS says to them when they are attempting to save their marriage is coming from the BS, not the person they are involved with. They WANT to believe that whatever is said is only words to keep WS lives calmer, not what the WS would say if the BS wasn't "holding the whip". They'll ignore and forgive about anything that is said. The NC letter/phone call is only as good as the WS wants it to be...and for it to be any good, it must come from their heart and their beliefs and their decisions to stop the affair COLD.

Much depends on your H and his choices. What is he saying about her contact at his place of business? Is he making it difficult for her? Is he taking steps to make sure that she is given no false hopes? IF...he's isn't doing what he should do to end whatever contact is happening...you can't place the blame on her. Then the blame lies solely with the WS. He's the one who has made promises to you, he's the one who says the affair is over...time for him to take a stand. Being "kind" to someone when you're ending a relationship seldom works, even an affair. I don't mean he must be cruel, but sometimes, even a little kindness is seen as a "promise" for the future...better to say upfront..."No, it's over and will never progress from this moment." Then to offer anything that can breed false hopes. jmho

editted to add...if you're in the shop when she shows up...tell her that her business is no longer appreciated and hand her a card from another body shop!

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

thanks for all your advice, its just very difficult, my son tells me how she was around the shop all the time with her kid in tow, and around our home again kid in tow while I was away, and my H was telling him not to tell me any of this... ive blocked her phone # from the business line but that will only work for so long, and as far as the H is concerned I dont think he is doing to much to keep her away aside from saying to her that if him and i are together they cant be etc..He has shown no real regret for the sex with her and went to alot of trouble to have people lie for him including my own son....to add insult to injury. So im pretty lost at the moment I dont want to push him to her, but I need to be able to trust him and know its really over so we can try and rebuild. I know everyone says dont have contact with her, but mabey by speaking to her I could acutally get the truth about what he has said to her and if he is leaving the door open for the future, she has nothing to lose by being honest and everything to gain by me throwing in the towel... what do you think??? thanks again