I'm a newlywed (only 2 months!). I dearly love my husband with all my heart. About a month after we got married, I found out that he was talking on the cellphone with a female friend (several times a day). I've never met her and when I asked him about it, he said she was a friend that helped him with his bowling and was trying to get him to bowl in a tournament. (They talked almost every other day for almost 3 weeks!) I told him that it was very hurtful to me because I did not know this woman and I did not want him devoting any time and energy to another woman. This made me physically sick to the point where I went to the ER for chest pains.

Just over a week ago, I checked the cellphone bill and found that he had been calling another number early in the morning and late at night. (In particular, he called one night after he and I had an argument.) I confronted him about this and he said he only called because he knew I would check the phone log. (WHat?!) Again, I told him it was not acceptable and that I would not put up with it. He kept saying that these women don't mean anything to him, but they must mean something if he's willing to jeopardize his marriage or continue to do something that he knows hurts his wife! He gave me his word that he would not contact her anymore.

Well, yesterday, I checked the phone log and not only found that he'd called her, but another woman as well early in the morning. I was so upset that I got sick! When I asked him about it, he pretended not to know who's phone number I was referring to. I told him we could look at the bill, but then I just got disgusted and said it didn't matter because he would just lie about it anyway. I then asked to see his cellphone. He had a message waiting from a female co-worker. I asked who she was and he gave me some story about him planning to help her with something at work!

I told him that I could not live with a liar and that I could not live with a man that I did not trust. I told him that I know God hates divorce, but that I was so distraught that I thought it would be easier to disappoint God than to continue the way I'm going. Does God want me to stay in this for the sake of keeping my marriage together? I don't know if anything physical has happened with any of these women, but I'm just as devastated. To top things off, I'd been feeling just a little weird the last couple of days and took a home pregnancy test last night that came back positive. I can't stop crying....

I want my marriage to work so badly. I told my husband that the biggest requirement I had of a mate (aside from being a born-again Christian) was that he be totally honest with me. I thought that being yoked with a Christian would give me some assurance of that. Not! What's the difference between him and a pagan?! How could one lie like that?

What to do? I can't find a marriage counselor. Our church offers marriage counseling, but it's not geared toward changing behavior--it's geared toward growing in Christ and letting our identity in Christ affect our actions in marriage. That's all great, but I think we need some behavior modification, too...

you want to know the difference between your husband and a pagan? we believe in doing what what you will, but harm none! it's against the most basic tenets to lie and cause harm to others. christianity has been used as a cover for some of the most vicious depravities known to man, and that's wrong since most christians are not like that. god does want you to work on your marriage, but not at the cost of your own soul. if this man is hurting you already after two mere months, your marriage is definitely on shaky ground. you can't make it work on your own either. if he isn't willing to even try, things don't look good. what does he say when you tell him you can't live with a liar?

When I say that I can't live with a liar, he says "So, what are you saying?" I don't think he's really so ignorant that he doesn't know what I'm saying, but he knows how much I hate divorce and I think he knows that I don't have the guts to say it. He's said more than once that he's not giving up on our marriage and that he's going to fight for me, but it's more like lipservice now because he's not doing what it takes to preserve it...I really wish I knew of a good Christian marriage counselor in the Atlanta area...Honestly, I want my marriage to work more than anything else in the world... Call me a wimp, but that's what my heart feels now...

Hi E,

I know how you're feeling, a bit too well I guess. I too have only been married for 2 months. My H recently confessed that he's been cheating on me for 4 months and this was a PA! I was clueless but his guilt overwhelmed him and he confessed.

I've decided to stay in this marriage to try to work things out but my decision was based on my H's willingness to:
1) end the affair before he confessed
2) reveal the affair
3) accept responsibilty for his actions
4) show true remorse
5) agree to change jobs and move to a different city
6) seek psychiatric help
7) go to marriage counselling
8) understand and support my feelings

This is such a struggle, I won't lie, and I do think about leaving sometimes. But I also respect my vows and I belive in for better or for worse.

If your H loves you and he respects your M and your feelings he'll do whatever it takes to put an end to your fears especially if that includes putting an end to questionable frienships.

You're right, you're M has started out on the worst note possible but all is not lost, you have to believe that, but it's up to your husband to start making things right.

My H and I went to the Church not for MC but for guidance. This could prove to be an important first step in opening your husbands eyes and turning things around.

Best of luck to you and God bless.

(((((eiknor)))))

Being a Christian does not immunize you from the attacks of Satan. If you and your husband are born-again Christians, then you have the limitless resources of God at your prayerful fingertips.

I know. My wife and I are Christians, strong Christians. But that didn't prevent Satan from attacking our marriage when we were most vulnerable and not walking closely with God. But I can tell you that God is faithful if we will simply give up our self-centeredness and obey His commands.

I could give you a lot of scriptural help, but I rarely visit this forum. I "hang out" most of the time on the Recovery board. That might well be a more appropriate forum for you anyway, as most of the folks there are working on rebuilding their marriages and have been through the garbage that you are just now facing. They can be a great help to you.

In the meantime, I want you to know that there is real help for you. Let me share a couple of threads with you that will hopefully show you that 1) many of us have been through the same sickening feelings that you are going through and 2) that obediently following God IS the answer for Christians.

The First Month

Miracles happen when you are obedient to God

Now, as for Christian counseling, it is essential that you both get into joint Christian marital counseling that is dedicated to saving your marriage through helping you to walk obediently with Christ. My wife and I did this at the start of our recovery and it was a lifesaver for both of us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What to do? I can't find a marriage counselor. Our church offers marriage counseling, but it's not geared toward changing behavior--it's geared toward growing in Christ and letting our identity in Christ affect our actions in marriage. That's all great, but I think we need some behavior modification, too... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your "identity in Christ" can have many meanings. But the essential one is obedience to God's commands, and this is important, whether we feel like it or not. I am suggesting that you seek Nouthetic (means biblical) counseling. The term "Nouthetic", to quote from a pamphlet our counselor gave us: "is the English construction of the Greek work Nouthesia which contains three ideas that are not included in any one English term:

1. Change in the counselee's lifestyle is attempted by

2. Confrontation in a verbal form out of

3. Concern for him"

Our counseling was free of charge because it is a ministry of the Pastor of the Church where we went for the counseling. Not all are free of charge as the counseling is their only line of work and is not supported by the Church as a ministry. We were not members of the Church where we received our counseling, but it is provided for Christians as a ministry of God.

I looked up some in Gerogia for you and will post them below. Hopefully you will find one close to where you live and hopefully your husband will consent to counseling to help your marriage. By and large, they won't do individual counseling, they believe both marriage partners need to be involved and committed to obeying God.

Georgia

Name: Dr. Maria Gangarosa-Emerson
City: Athens
Work Phone: (706) 549-1169
E-mail: mariaemerson@home.com
Organization: private practice

---------------------------------------
Name: Dr. Franklin Payne
City: Augusta
Work Phone: (706) 736-1506
E-mail: edpayne@pol.net
Organization: Covenant Enterprises

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Name: Rev. Greg Judd
City: Brazelton
Work Phone: (706) 654-3205
E-mail: gsjudd@juno.com
Organization: Zion Baptist Church

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Name: Pastor Robie Hembree
City: Canton
Work Phone: (770) 479-4233
E-mail: hembree99@msn.com
Organization: Grace Baptist Church

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Name: Pastor Robert Carroll
City: Kennesaw
Work Phone: (770) 422-3844
E-mail: Beefer@bellsouth.net
Organization: Grace Brethren Church

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Name: Mr. Byron Loyd
City: Lilburn
Work Phone: (770) 638-0050
E-mail: lifelinecounseling@yahoo.com
Organization: LifeLine Counseling Center

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mr. Vic Smith
City: Marietta
Work Phone: (770) 427-5472
E-mail:
Organization: First Baptist Church of Woodstock

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Name: Mrs. Martha Peace
City: Peachtree City
Work Phone: (770) 486-0011
E-mail: marthapeace@mindspring.com
Organization: Faith Bible Church, John Crotts, pastor

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mrs. Gloria Blowers
City: Sautee Nacoochee
Work Phone: (706) 865-3723
E-mail: gblowers@alltel.net
Organization: Mt. Yonah Baptist Church

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mr. Richard Jackson
City: Savannah
Work Phone: (912) 898-8208
E-mail: RJACK91214@aol.com
Organization: Calvary Baptist Temple

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mrs. Susan Jackson
City: Savannah
Work Phone: (912) 898-8208
E-mail: RJACK91214@aol.com
Organization: Calvary Baptist Temple

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mrs. Ruth Ann Bruce
City: Statesboro
Work Phone: (912) 587-5380
E-mail: kwrabruce@g-net.net
Organization: Trinity Presbyterian Church

-----------------------------------------

Name: Mr. Bruce Romanoff
City: Stone Mountain
Work Phone: (404) 730-6506
E-mail: bkrom@mindspring.com
Organization: Rehoboth Baptist Church

-----------------------------------------


God bless.

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Okay...the last couple of days I have recieved much support from the MB boards so when I saw Foreverhers request to come over here to see you I felt compelled.

#1 - Take a deep breath. This will take time!
#2 - Remember you can do anything. You are strong.
#3 - Educate yourself. Read this site to start. Read, read, and read some more.
#4 - Counseling is very important - if not together consider individual.
#5 - Post, ask questions, consider all points of view.

#6 - MOST IMPORTANT and the hardest to remember time and patience are on your side. This will be a long road...be prepared for the long haul! You can do it!

Where is WAT's quick guide for BS? I found that very helpful in the beginning.

eiknor, here is another christian counselor:
Mt. Bethel(United Methodist Church, in Marietta) Christian Counseling Center
Don Mayfield, Director
(770) 973-9423

Eiknor, I live in Atlanta and have a couple of names of counselors:

1. Al Scardino. He is head of counseling at my church, First Baptist Atlanta. He counsels strictly from Scripture, is wonderfully helpful, very wise. The fee for nonmembers is $100 for an hour I think. Members counsel for free. He has a very busy schedule so it might be hard to see him if you're a nonmember. Call his assistant, Betty, at 770-234-8438 to schedule appt.

2. Brenda Ely. I don't really know anything about her. Her name was given to me by someone I completely trust. Her phone number is 770-321-8244. I've been told she is an "exceptional professional Christian counselor." She's in Marietta, by the way. If that's inconvenient for you, she might could refer you to someone else.

One of the problems my H and I had was that one month after we married, I began to notice that he was very flirtatious. Nothing ever got out of hand, but it infuriated me. One of the things Al Scardino suggested was to renounce any/every sexual partner both of us had prior to our marriage, even former spouses (H had been married before). This is because, of course, sex always creates a bond, but out of marriage, it is an evil bond. He said to name the people by name and just to renounce the acts in the name of Christ. Afterwards, our marriage was so peaceful. Of course, now we're struggling with another spiritual war.

I would suggest standing on some passage of Scripture that speaks to your situation, maybe Psalms 37 or Ephesians 6. Don't even think about divorce, because that is what the enemy wants you to start thinking, and before you know it, you're facing divorce. Be strong and stay in prayer.